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roist #2705371 09/19/16 09:32 PM
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You are a good man my friend ...

Would you do me a favor?

Articulate a post over the next week that expresses joy, fun, exuberation of an activity or state of mind after engaging in something that is all about you.

What is it that roist, my wise and solemn friend, does that excites him and turns the energy in his mind body and soul into that of a child like state of euphoria?

I am curious to hear......


Me 46 Former W 46
D19 D7
BD Feb 2016
WAW moves out 4/16/16
D final 6/1/2017

It's time for me to start changin' the way I look at the world......and at myself. ~James Howlett aka Wolverine
SH_ #2705418 09/20/16 05:52 AM
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I'm game.

Recently I took part in a sports event that involved running, kayaking and mountain biking. It is in teams of two. I did it with a friend from the neighbourhood.

It starts with a short fast run. I like that and although far from being my fastest, I was right up there. Then the kayak on a river. Water level was low so you had to pick your course well to avoid the rocks. There were some rapids too. It was tiring but fun. Plus we laughed with fellow competitors along the way.

Then there was a tough off road run followed by an hour of mountain biking. We finished in the top ten but doing it was worth much more than the placing. There is a great sense of comradery between the competitors. Plus I got to see many people I don't see very often.

The event is finished with a meal together, sharing food, a laugh and a beer!!
Times like that I forget completely about my situation and live in the moment. If you are overburdened by stress and worries, go mountain bike king. It works every time.Because you are forced to focus or you fall/crash!!

I was in my moment and although focused on the race, I did momentarily think about W........ each time I saw her and kids smiling at us at different points during the event.

After the meal I bought raffle tickets and gave one each to our sons. Last year they gave out that I didn't bring home the prize!!This year WE did.


R 25 years
M 14 years
S11 & S13
Working on it alone since Oct 2014
M in trouble a lot earlier (~2 years)
Feb 2016. 1st R chat in a yr.
Next R chat Aug'17
Still together
roist #2706055 09/22/16 10:16 PM
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Originally Posted By: roist
I'm game.

Recently I took part in a sports event that involved running, kayaking and mountain biking. It is in teams of two. I did it with a friend from the neighbourhood.

It starts with a short fast run. I like that and although far from being my fastest, I was right up there. Then the kayak on a river. Water level was low so you had to pick your course well to avoid the rocks. There were some rapids too. It was tiring but fun. Plus we laughed with fellow competitors along the way.

Then there was a tough off road run followed by an hour of mountain biking. We finished in the top ten but doing it was worth much more than the placing. There is a great sense of comradery between the competitors. Plus I got to see many people I don't see very often.

The event is finished with a meal together, sharing food, a laugh and a beer!!
Times like that I forget completely about my situation and live in the moment. If you are overburdened by stress and worries, go mountain bike king. It works every time.Because you are forced to focus or you fall/crash!!

I was in my moment and although focused on the race, I did momentarily think about W........ each time I saw her and kids smiling at us at different points during the event.

After the meal I bought raffle tickets and gave one each to our sons. Last year they gave out that I didn't bring home the prize!!This year WE did.

Now this...
this brings a smile to my face.
It is good to envision you in moments of joy and fun.

I continue to pray for you my friend.
I pray that divine inspiration may settle in for your W and you so that the calm and peace of a solid love may blossom.

Thank you for sharing...I needed to hear a good experience.


Me 46 Former W 46
D19 D7
BD Feb 2016
WAW moves out 4/16/16
D final 6/1/2017

It's time for me to start changin' the way I look at the world......and at myself. ~James Howlett aka Wolverine
Zephyr #2706341 09/24/16 03:27 PM
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Z,

I am replying to your comments about my wife stating I was not alone. Better late than never!! If that made you cry, the week after if I had posted would have broken your heart!

Back to your words first. My situation is complicated and never simple to read. My W has said similar at various times throughout this. Maybe it is me. Truly I could be: incapable of doing what is needed. But it is: impossible to build on any such statements. I search and if there is a way I will find it. Until then I will not he crushed by not succeeding.

Maybe that will be my downfall, but I think both of us are unhappy with the current interactions/situation and we are both still here. She is a WAW who has not walked away. Without getting sidetracked I get back to my point.

My W is home with me every night. She does not engage in getting busy so that she is not available for me. Any and every time I have asked if she! Wants to do something together, it has been yes. She has been active in finding us couch based activities. I don't want to be just a TV buddy but still. My wife systematically takes a position that lets me approach closely and we always sit close. She could move a few cm and I would be blocked at distance by her feet.

Now for the sad part. The week after her not alone comment she got annoyed because I couldn't thinkof something for us to do one evening. I have been meaning to prepare a list of suggestions in such situations but for no good reason I have not done so yet.

I was just saturated and "not like this" was my mindset. I know this is not helpful but! sometimes we do what we can and that is it. Maybe there was no way to capitalize on this, but at the time I was more concerned about me.

The beer I had earlier is clouding my.thinking so instead of waffling I prefer to stop and retake it later

Z, you raised many other points I hope to reply to, for tonight I raise a final bottle to you. Cheers mate


R 25 years
M 14 years
S11 & S13
Working on it alone since Oct 2014
M in trouble a lot earlier (~2 years)
Feb 2016. 1st R chat in a yr.
Next R chat Aug'17
Still together
Zephyr #2706510 09/26/16 01:28 AM
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Originally Posted By: Zephyr
good morning bro.

sorry so quiet, have had virtually no time to sit and type

when i read your post the other day i had lots of thoughts about what it meant to let go and what does giving up on this really look like.

I reread your post again this morning. something jumped out and maybe want to talk about that instead.

you highlighted a statement from your wife saying you are not alone in this. I am curious (because I have been guilty of this in the past) of how closed off from your wife you have really been, not just now but throughout your marriage.

how often have you just plowed through a task when it could have been easier to ask for help...when asking wasn't even an option in your head.

how often have you just gone and did something because you just felt it needed to be done, didn't wait and had wife say something like, oh I was going to do that or fix that or whatever.

how often have you held back your feelings from her, as opposed avoid a conflict or in order to not make a big deal about something.

these are just a few examples, but they show a pattern of you building an emotional wall up between you and your wife. we talk her all the time about the walk away spouse feeling hopeless and alone in the marriage for years and finally they build the walls.

when two people have these impediments and hold themselves back from more harm, there is little hope without a physical separation for this interaction to change, right.

so how does this ever change? well I'm glad u asked wink

one person has to make themselves vulnerable and start to open up, start to welcome intimacy otherwise the other will never try anymore, because they feel they've already tried all they could and all they will ever see is the stone wall, the unresponsiveness, the closed off attitude, the one or two word responses. They see us as unapproachable and MUCH THE SAME as it has always been. It just reinforces the ‘things (he) will never change’ sentiment that likely started the detachment for the WAS.

the fact that your wife opened up just a crack and told you roiste, you are not alone, that made me cry. not because of how alone you have felt all this time. no, that is something different, no...because your wife showed you a little bit of openness and honesty in an effort to connect with you / work with you / share with you. Maybe you could find a way to do the same, with asking for help or doing something together that you would have historically just done by yourself. We are building something new here, maybe try something different...can you do that?

It may have felt like a criticism of your behavior. It may have come off as a complaint. Did you feel angry when she said that to you? IMHO, Anger in this case would be a response of score keeping on your side. Maybe it is frustration or whatever. Those are your feelings and you should acknowledge them and allow yourself to feel them, right…just not control your actions unless it is constructive.

This is my take on this and yes there is some mind reading going on, and as always I could be way off base smile

The second piece that struck me was your comment that you don’t even know if you love her. This is something only you will ever be able to know. Maybe you could work it out by describing what you think love is, and how that differs from how you feel about her…or maybe even by describing what you think is missing in your feelings for her, for it not to constitute as love. I don’t know that you need to post this stuff back to us all, maybe as an exercise with yourself to help work out your feelings…or maybe a trip to the IC to help sort this out (This is exactly the kind of stuff I work out with my IC). It is very personal. Very deep stuff that I would not blame you if you needed to keep offline.

I do think that is something worth looking at, is it that you don’t feel IN LOVE where or you just don’t hold any feelings at all? I think this is something that the WAS deals with for a long time, emptiness…lack of longing or desire…lack of satisfaction with a relationship…lack of fulfillment, where finally they decide that they are no longer in love. If this is how you feel, and you are entitled to your feelings it might be worth looking at the why, and what you want to do about it. Is your wife losing you...are you ready to be done...is she actually ready to hear you. i don't think she is done 'cooking' but she is starting to look at things a little different than before. if now you start to push for more, she very well will get defensive and withdraw.

Ok, so I’ve gone on and on again and I have to get back to work

-----------------------------------------

so honestly i typed this a few days ago and it felt awkward. i have not had a chance to smooth it out. I do think there are two thoughts in there and i don't think they are necessarily contradicting themselves, i think both thoughts are worth looking at.

My biggest take-away from this...that i never got around to smile was that your focus on you needs to intensify. you finding a way to meet your own needs of companionship and fun should be a focus for you. i know you've gone out for beers a couple of times, what else have you been doing to work on forging, growing interpersonal relationships outside of the house and workplace...have you been making new friends or improving existing ones?

Again sorry for the lack of continuity in the thoughts....this was typed over multiple days when i had a few moments of alone / quiet time. (school started last week so schedules are extra full).

(((Roiste)))



Z,

Yes we both have walls up. I had dismantled mine and was for the first time in years fully willing and able and motivated to discus and share my thoughts and feelings. However over time new ones have gone up. But these are just a screen. They are present if the person in front if me is not willing/able to be open with me. It is not resentment or spite that holds these screens in place but the reluctance to keep headbutting a wall of someone who is not available. Communication and connection takes two, otherwise it is not affective.

I have read loads on this topic and agree one of us has to take the first step. The first fifty steps even! I am willing to do that but won't force it. Firstly forcing will just reenforce her walls and secondly I now have a better opinion of myself to waste my effort.

That being said, I did start certain behaviours to show (me as much as W) that I was/am capable of managing without her help. I am mindful of this and try to balance how I do this. I don't need my Ws help most it the time, but at other tines I admit I don't want it. I will reflect on this and determine if I can tweak it.

W does often ask for my help, sometimes I feel unnecessarily as she could easily have managed alone. And I oblige, most times although if I am in the middle of something I no longer drop it instantly.

Yes those loner behaviours ring a bell with me. I will review this and determine if I can act differently.

From now on I will post exclusively in my new thread so please ask questions/reply over there. I may copy this reply over too.

Best wishes


R 25 years
M 14 years
S11 & S13
Working on it alone since Oct 2014
M in trouble a lot earlier (~2 years)
Feb 2016. 1st R chat in a yr.
Next R chat Aug'17
Still together
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