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(Deckard... Not declared. Spell check error)


M: 42
H: 43
Twins age 5
WAH in summer
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Deckard, yes I would want that to happen. Not that I want the kids to lose their mother, but her existence is not an overall benefit to the children. She "entertains" them, which they enjoy, but she isn't good at helping them deal with life. She isn't a good example of how to live a healthy life, mentally or physically.

GF has been divorced for 7 years.... last night we talked about how to handle Christmas. She wants to do what is best for her kids (even though they are 18 & 19), which means them going to their dad's, then to GF's parents' house. For my kids, they will be with their mom until 10 Christmas morning, then open presents with my parents at my house. They all have their own places to be, which means we drag them with us to even more places (me bringing my kids to GF's parents' for example), or we miss out on each others' lives. It's a normal part of life for people who are D'd, and it blows. xW's parents were divorced, and I absolutely hated all the running around we had to do every holiday. Things became much easier when xW's dad died. He was pretty rotten to xW, he cared more about his new life than his own children, which just added tension to the gathering. So, I know exactly what it is like from the other end, not because my parents were D'd, they are still together, but the added chaos of xW's life impacted my life. Now my kids have to go through that for many years to come.... it is wrong, in so many ways.... it isn't what is best for the kids, it is what is best for xW to have "fun," and that's all that matters to her at this point in her life.

xW acts like the victim, of me, and it ticks me off.... she is a victim of herself only. And her selfishness is impacting everyone around her.

Here's an example.... when I was working I made a lot of money. We had a lot of stuff, a 5000 sq ft house packed to the ceiling with toys. She took every toy, and has them all packed away in storage. Why couldn't she leave behind stuff for the kids to do when with me? So that she can have it? The kids are not benefiting from it, it is still packed away, and she is so busy running around they wouldn't have time to touch these toys even if they could find them. I lose, the kids lose, she gained nothing. Why? To "punish" me? THAT is why I want her to realize, to pull her head out and see her actions for what they have done. THAT is why I care, because my kids are missing out because of her selfishness. If someone doesn't care about that, there is something wrong with them, not something wrong with me for feeling this way.

Now I have no job, no money, and can't replace this stuff I have taken years to accumulate for my kids. She has it all packed away, doesn't use it, but continues to spend the child support money on buying them even more stuff, and is still asking for alimony! She wants to make sure she can provide more for them than I can, to play the "favorite parent" game.

To add to this there is a list of stuff she knows she needs to return, and has yet to return anything of value... it has been a year since I have seen much of this stuff, and she claims she is "too busy" to go through it. Yep, too busy playing!

Yes, GF is great. No I don't want xW back. But this spoiled brat I call xW isn't being reasonable at all. In counseling she says stupid things like "no matter what I give back to him, it will never be enough." She has no basis for that, she hasn't tried giving back, and there is nothing in our history together where I was selfish, I gave her everything for 21 years.

"To be truly happy in a new R....." What does that mean? Regardless of how happy I am in a new R, doesn't change the impact to my children, the mess of trying to blend with the new family. My beliefs are that M is something you work on and stick to, not something you bail on because the grass appears greener on the other side. It doesnt change the child support I pay for her to leave me, to keep the kids from me. You can have your beliefs, I'll have mine, limiting or not.

Juju, thanks for the reply and kind words. I wish I could say it gets better.... it doesn't. I have yet to talk to a person who claims everyone is better off after D. Even my sister who left an actual abuser, even after her ex died, things are still not easy or right. Everyone continues to struggle with their ex, for the rest of their life. Except for the ones who got out before having kids, they are the only ones who get to completely cut the ties.

Side note, GF's story. Her ex left for another woman 7 years ago. She accepted it fairly well. He tried coming back a few times, GF turned him down, he still tells their kids that he loves her (while going from woman to woman). The grass isn't greener, is it? But he screwed things up pretty bad, still continues to do stupid things to the kids. GF talks to him fine, but says she really doesn't like to talk to him. So, again I have to ask, what part of this are we supposed to be happy about?

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Hey OFP, I appreciate the responses. I’m not trying to make you defensive. I’m concerned about the anger I read in your posts and want to help the process move from anger and get closer to acceptance because that will be what is best for you in the long term IMHO. And I have been, and at time can still go, there to that angry place.

You wrote that you don’t want your XW back and you wouldn’t mind if she didn’t exist. Ok. You also wrote

Originally Posted By: OFP
My beliefs are that M is something you work on and stick to, not something you bail on because the grass appears greener on the other side.

And

Originally Posted By: OFP
Now my kids have to go through that for many years to come.... it is wrong, in so many ways.... it isn't what is best for the kids, it is what is best for xW to have "fun," and that's all that matters to her at this point in her life.


Does this mean you don’t think you and XW should have D? Or is it that XW should have tried harder before the D to make it work?
There is more in the post that I’d like to visit, but the above will help with that.

I want to revisit something else from my previous post because it isn’t obvious to me how it was addressed in your response.

Originally Posted By: OFP
Not to use against her, but to make me feel like I actually have some control over my life, like I actually have a choice.

I'm confused by this. What control and choice do you not have?

OFP, don’t think I don’t feel your pain. “I have no job (been there), no money (yup), and can't replace this stuff I have taken years to accumulate for my kids (typing this in my empty house). She wants to make sure she can provide more for them than I can, to play the "favorite parent" game.” They have yet to make something for a kid that is more important than a parent that is there for them, talks to them, loves them unconditionally and guides them through life. Don’t worry about playing that game.

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Sorry for the hijack OFP, but I wanted to address JujuB’s post.

Hey JujuB, I know I’ve read your posts, but will go back and re-read as it has been awhile. Once I’m off moderation, we can post on your thread in Surviving D. I’ll give you a high level on what you wrote for now.

Originally Posted By: JujuB
I feel very wronged and traumatized by the way in which ex left me.

Like I said, I need to revisit your thread to know the details, but I felt the same way. And anger is part of that process of dealing with it. The concern is when anger becomes consuming. It may sound ridiculous, but Buddhist ideas helped me greatly. I came to accept that all I needed to know was the my XW did not want to be M to me anymore. Plain and simple.

Now, I know I contributed to the D. There was much I could have done differently. I own my 50% and am working on those things.

I was angry she couldn’t see her 50% or try to work on them. But then I realized that I couldn’t control her, and my anger was preventing me from living the life that was now in front of me. There were other places to use that energy in a positive way instead of in a negative way. It sounds very simple, and it takes time, but we all have the choice and power to control ourselves.

I’ll use your example:

Originally Posted By: JujuB
Someone insisting that something white is actually black

At first, we think “How can they think that is black?”. Then we are angry and think “Why do they think it is black”. If we DB right, we know that it isn’t our job nor do we control them to make them think it is white. I think the final step is to know that it is white and it really doesn’t matter who thinks it is black.

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