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doodler #2678706 05/18/16 12:27 PM
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Oh believe me - it isn't easy! I still have very attached desires, but I'm tired of being held ransom by the relationship.

Last night when I wasn't texting him, and he wasn't texting me I had myself worked into a HUGE ball of anxiety. I was convinced that he had gone to be with OW, and didn't care that I said I was moving on.

Then when he showed up, and said he had been at the gym with a coworker, I realized it had been for nothing. As he left my house my thoughts were "That's it! He's probably going to OW now!" and then he face timed me as soon as he got home. If I had been pursuing him the whole night he wouldn't have had to make any effort or do any work, and what I'm realizing is that I need to make him do the work this time.

I think he is pursuing more quickly than most, because of how long we've been doing this. He came home once, and has admitted he doesn't want a divorce. He does, however, want to eat cake. My distance is likely just showing him that he can't play games forever, or he will lose me.

CK2001 #2679036 05/19/16 01:45 PM
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I blew it today. He texted that he was missing me, and I ended up getting upset, and undoing all the pursuing he was doing, and I pretty much told him that we're over and I want nothing else to do with him.

CK2001 #2680251 05/24/16 08:30 AM
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I finally realize that the 180 really is for me, not just to manipulate him home.

I think I'm moving on. Six months ago I was devastated to have "lost" my life, and now I realize what I am gaining. I see for the first time how unhappy he made me, and that on my own I am growing stronger and happier every day. I will be able to wake up every morning knowing I held my reputation and integrity, and can hold my head high.

He told me he is flooded with memories of us all the time now, and can't stop thinking about the good. We were out the other night at a mutual friend's birthday party, and he couldn't keep his eyes off me all night.

I don't know if I want this marriage anymore. I fought so hard to protect him, and to prove to him that he was lovable, and I wouldn't be another person to abandon him. I'm realizing now, though, that he abandoned me, and it wasn't because I did anything to deserve it.

I have been fearful all along that when he decided he wanted me it would be too late, and that's how I feel this morning.

CK2001 #2680259 05/24/16 09:02 AM
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Time is your friend... Take your time making your decisions.. It is good to have these feelings today, you are detaching and seeing what the R truly was from the outside looking in.. But you may very well want him back in three weeks.. Don't burn any bridges, take all the time you need.. He needs time too.. Don't make rest of life decisions on emotions... Chances are if you decide you will never want a R with him again, you will have had many many many days in a row with this sort of thinking. You owe him nothing but a "I'm not sure right now".


Ralph88
Me 40s W 30s, D5 D3 , M7 T9
2013 B drop 1, EA found
2016 B drop 2, EA/PA?
2/16 Physical Seperation
2/16 I filed for D
4/16 PA Confirmed
Ralph88 #2680272 05/24/16 10:08 AM
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I've been very, very careful to protect my kids at all costs, and not have them in a war zone.

He doesn't want me to sell the house or even cancel a trip we had planned together in July. I'm not doing anything drastic, but I am letting my heart completely detach and move on, and quietly waiting for him to let me move on, as well.

He hasn't been willing to let either of us go, and she is such an unstable girl that I know she won't let him go either. So I am.

CK2001 #2680638 05/25/16 03:24 PM
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He was pursuing me this morning. Texts about how beautiful I am, and that he isn't used to me not responding, etc. he doesn't like that he's lost his friend, etc.

I just said "Break up with OW and we can be friends"

Wrong thing to say? Whenever I am this cool it seems to bring him on, and I was definitely the pursuing, pleading, one before. I was going to go full NC, but I think it will do more damage. I hate not knowing if I'm making things better or worse.

CK2001 #2680890 05/26/16 11:13 AM
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Okay, I think I'm figuring out my end of the 180.

I started last week, and he instantly pursued me. Then I asked questions about the OW relationship and our relationship. Nothing dramatic, but it got my hopes up.

Then it blew into a HUGE confrontation with him and OW. Then I went dark. Interestingly enough, months ago a big confrontation would have infuriated him, and he would have been happy that I went dark.

This time I can see it scaring him. I politely reply to his messages, but I initiate nothing. I will not be asking anything about OW or our relationship. I set myself up for hurt and pain when I do.

I continue working on me and working on GAL. I continue responding with very polite responses, as I know he needs the contact, but I will not pursue, reason, beg, ask questions, or worry.

It is good for him to have to do the work, and it is good for him to wonder what I am doing, etc. It is also good for me to not be invested in trying to win him back by doing everything for him or with him in mind.

We may never reconcile, and I need to live my life with that in mind, and better myself with that in mind.

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