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DDJ Offline
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OK, she's supposed to blow up. Good work. Lol.

As for the dropping the rope. From what I understand it means any support that you offer her. So you pay her bill cos you work at the company, you stop. If the house is in your name, you throw her out.

I'm waiting for the transfer of the house to my name (probably a few months) and once I get the title deed, my WW will not know where she's gonna live.

The key is to not be controlling, don't do things to get a reaction, don't do things to hurt her and give no ultimatums besides you walking out on her.


Just cos things are going right, doesn't mean that they were always wrong.
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I guess my understanding of "dropping the rope" is different than yours, DDJ. I believe it is synonymous with detaching. Dropping the rope of emotional attachment to your S. I don't believe anything in DBing is aggressively vindictive or punishing.


M-51 H-54
2D-27 and 25
M-26 yrs
Bombshell and IHS 7-29-15
He moved out 10-3-15
D filed 1-27-16
D final 10-27-16

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betterm Offline OP
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okay, so...

She called, I answered, she asked how the dogs were etc etc then asked if I was staying there tonight. I told her I was, and that I was about to leave to go run some errands but wouldn't be gone too long. Her, "I'd like to stay there tomorrow night." Me: "that's fine, I never said you couldn't stay here". Her: "so, are you going to leave? where will you sleep?", Me, "I'm going to sleep here."

then it started. She went on with 'its not fair, you're being a complete dick and you know it, that is my house too, do you really want to spend our money on lawyers to figure out the living situation, on and on and on... I just responded, I hear what you're saying and I can see how you'd think I'm doing this to make things difficult, but all I want is some stability to move forward due to the circumstance. You can come see the pets, you can take the pets, but I am standing alone right now and you don't want me in your future.

then it goes worse. 'you were never in this relationship', 'you never cared, you never loved me', 'if you care about bettering yourself so much, where the Hell was that ambition before, i don't care that your working on you, i want to be able to sleep in my house. tell me after all this time you haven't given a crap about anything,', ...and there was more.

all i did was respond back, validating how i understand how she can feel that way, and i know i've made mistakes and there is nothing i can do about that in hindsight. she went back to the 'not fair' thing and said even though this is HER decision to leave me, it's my fault and i'm the one that did this to us. I validated and said I'm aware of things I've done wrong, and I wish I could'v edone things differently, but I can't, and now you want to leave and all I can do is not stand in your way, but continue working on me.

this was followed with, 'fine, you know what, lets just stay married, is that okay? is that what you want?' I said, eventually i'd like to find myself in a happy marriage, and while I respect your decisions, i am not in agreeance that D is the solution to our problems.

then a whole bunch of yelling and anger, and more references to how i've never been there in the past, but now that she wants me gone i don't have the respect for her to go away.

then she hung up on me...


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DDJ Offline
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@Citizen, yes emotional dropping is part of it. I was really referencing the house. Betterm cannot be her friend.

As for your last update betterm, sorry to here. You should always be the one dropping the phone on her. Then you know it was a good call.


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betterm Offline OP
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More to come... that was a short version.


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Please start a new thread


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Betterm, that was very well done. I'm going to give you one critique piece, however, that a poster named Zeus gave me early on. There are no "buts" in validation. The buts render your validation useless as validation. "I understand how you can feel this is unfair, but...". See, you just switched from validating and making it sound like you are listening, to telling the person that their feelings don't really matter because what you are saying is more important. That is anger provoking and is just making your wife believe she is making the right decision. I did it at the beginning of this post, even. "Great job, however..." and then told you WHAT YOU DID WRONG. Get it? No one likes to be wrong, especially when pain and emotion are tied together. Distance yourself, try to just leAve the R talk alone for a bit. And read all about validation (other sources) and communication methods. Practice, then you can do face to face later


M-51 H-54
2D-27 and 25
M-26 yrs
Bombshell and IHS 7-29-15
He moved out 10-3-15
D filed 1-27-16
D final 10-27-16

Kindness, kindness, kindness.
Joined: Sep 2015
Posts: 956
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Betterm, that was very well done. I'm going to give you one critique piece, however, that a poster named Zeus gave me early on. There are no "buts" in validation. The buts render your validation useless as validation. "I understand how you can feel this is unfair, but...". See, you just switched from validating and making it sound like you are listening, to telling the person that their feelings don't really matter because what you are saying is more important. That is anger provoking and is just making your wife believe she is making the right decision. I did it at the beginning of this post, even. "Great job, however..." and then told you WHAT YOU DID WRONG. Get it? No one likes to be wrong, especially when pain and emotion are tied together. Distance yourself, try to just leAve the R talk alone for a bit. And read all about validation (other sources) and communication methods. Practice, then you can do face to face later


M-51 H-54
2D-27 and 25
M-26 yrs
Bombshell and IHS 7-29-15
He moved out 10-3-15
D filed 1-27-16
D final 10-27-16

Kindness, kindness, kindness.
Joined: Nov 2009
Posts: 13,533
Likes: 78
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