When I complain or get angry at my husband it's ok. But when an attorney or someone else seems to critique him my initial gut instinct is to stand up for him and get upset.
Oh dear, Jjb, how many times have you wanted to smack me?
I was wondering if there is any legal clinic that you can get free advice from? I know the legal part svcks, especially when you have L who do not have your best interests.
You can call me Dory/ Grl.
As a wise fish once sang,"Just keep swimming!"
It's no use to go back to yesterday because I was a different person then.
Never GRL ! I always love your posts. And I have always loved how you express your opinions without holding back. I was referring more to the attorneys.
Sometimes it's nice to have someone help me out with the "Is it me ?" Question. I know from experience and from friends, that when that is a constant question, that there is a lot of toxic behaviors Occuring. Can every individual in a relationship spew out incidents?
Sometimes I worry that it's easy to side with me when I talk about some incidents. But is it far? Am I being fair?
Sometimes I want to protect him and blame it all on me, sometimes I blame it all on him and and then worry that I am villifying. It's hard when there are no clear cut answers.
Is this just phases of marriage or is there such a thing as a healthy relationship/ marriage?
That is a good idea to get a neutral opinion. I will look into what might be available to me.
Me: I never expected to still be living with parents Friend: You need to move forward and get things going Me: We've been together together 15 years. It's hard. Friend: Exactly. You've been together 15 years, and he left you. It wasn't hard for him.
I am mourning someone that chose to leave. I wonder if this is what mourning someone that committed suicide feels like. He's basically just a ghost now that sometimes haunts.
I know everyone has always said this is a roller coaster. I expected it to be a little more linear though or maybe more of a slow and steady climb out of the dredges. Thought that with time, it would just keep getting easier and easier.
Maybe it will when things are set in ink. My limbo was so drawn out that maybe once things are done, it will be easier to heal.
I've been really down and need to get on the upswing.
I am sorry you are sad today. It will get better. How is your GAL going? I hope you are keeping busy this weekend.
H-46 XW-38 T-7 M-6 S-9,8,8,6,4 S 11/30/15, I filed 12/8/15 EA 2/1/16 D dismissed 3/24/16 PA 3/18/16 confirmed 4/22/16 XW files for D 4/1/16 - D final 11/17/16 Finally moving forward...
I find that it's more like a combination of the teacups and the rollercoaster. Spinning, moving in unexpected directions with sudden shifts and deep dips. And then some calm seconds before your stomach drops again.
You're mourning not just H, but also your M, the future together as parents, getting old together, your dreams of a house, etc. Lots to process.
M 16 yrs, WH62, P54 3 adult blended kids EA 11/13, BD1 6/14 PA fall 14, BD2 2/15 Piecing 2015, BD3 12/15 Separated 4/16 WH moved OW in 5/16 Divorced 6/15/17
Hardest part of the process is admitting that his behavior makes sense to him. He feels something was the cause. Usually the truth is somewhere between what the leaver and left feel is the truth. It was easier for him to leave you than to stay. Faced the same road after 26 years.
I found a website that opened my eyes all FREE information on all types of relationship types and issues. He is a retired divorced counselor with great wisdom and a way of showing you gently where things apply to you and your soon to be ex... gently but enlightening. No worry of pressure to buy one thing... I think the only thing he sells are MP#'s of the exact talks he publishes for free... to hear his voice. I learned so much about me and my ex.
He is blunt sometimes. "are you a controller? sure you are" - we all are in different situation... or everyone makes sense all the time... to themselves. or no one ever agrees with you, sometimes they tell you.. (totally agree that is). Good stuff. May bring comfort. Of course the sooner you realize and get comfortable that your opinion of him and what he does doesn't matter, his does and the more you focus on you rather than him the growth will start. It is easy to see things through your eyes or your son's eyes, tainted by your opinion, rather than see clearly. What happened on Fathers day made sense to him. You mentioned traffic... What if he was spending the entire time he was in traffic worrying about getting there in time to see your son? He could have been. Your comment caused blame to come your way. A different choice may have been... traffic? wow I bet you were stressing. Instead of imagining he didn't care.
The hand on his? Normal reaction. He has shown little sign of wanting to reconcile. It made sense to you because that is what you thought was right to do for both of you. He didn't agree. Both of you are equally entitled to feel the way you did. No wrong or right. He may not see any of the things changing he is hoping to see. He might have thought you wanted to get physical and he panicked or didn't trust himself. Until you know of a second woman imagining one does no good. Even if there is one it is up to you to decide if that is a deal breaker or not in your effort to reconcile.
Work only on your side of the street. His is none of your business and your opinion on what he does or doesn't do is just that, your opinion. It will not help you meet your goal. make sure all thoughts and movements take you toward your goal. Research says it takes our spouse 6 months to see a change as a change and another 6 months to believe it is real. Nothing you do will change his opinion if that is his timetable. It does get better. One hard step is to admit where we should have acted differently without then excusing ourselves because of what they did or were doing. It is ok to have messed up or mess up. check out the al t site and see if it interests you. I have pushed it for 5 years and never had someone be disappointed. I don't know al or anything... except he has helped me and so far it has cost me $3.. I bought an mp3. If you do you will forever hear his voice when you read his stuff. He is like you would expect from his photos. great gift to all of us.
Last edited by Cadet; 06/24/1610:18 PM. Reason: As per forum agreement do not mention other books and authors
H 50 w 49 M 26yrs d 20 s 18 s 16 ILYBNILWY 12/10 stbxw filed 3/2011
Thank you Jim... I'm always busy! But I havent had much of any GAL activities involving socializing, which always makes me feel better.
Absolutely right Painter. In addition to everything you said, in a way I am also mourning my identity. I loved being a wife. I never wanted to be single again. I like the comfort, and trust and sharing of lives and goals and ambitions that come with being a part of a family unit...granted that wasn't really in existence but I always thought they would be, you know? I still liked that role.
It's funny, I am forced into a role that some people willingly take or secretly desire and I have no wish for it. I have freedom. I have every other weekend to myself. I will eventually get to flirt and date and have another chance at passion and hot, new, sex. The universe is funny that way, because I recognize that stuff as temporary and very fleeting and I desired committment/family more then anything. Who knows. Maybe that feeling will change for me.
It kind of has to because I don't have much of a choice.
Jjb, I know what you mean. I like the feeling of family, of stability, of comfort. There was a time for being single and wild but I guess for me, that time has passed. It really is very difficult for me to open up to another person.
Hmmm.... I do like your comment about passionate, hot new sex though.... If it ever happens.
You can call me Dory/ Grl.
As a wise fish once sang,"Just keep swimming!"
It's no use to go back to yesterday because I was a different person then.
I didn't read your post immediatly, so missed your recommendation. Am trying to figure it out. But am very greatful for your message.
I have been focusing on husband's past and current actions way too much. When I do, it puts me into angry victim mode. Not helpful at all. I think I'm back there because legal process is starting and its a familiar place to visit. Im not sure how to proceed legally and perhaps I am villifying and focusing on husband to make process easier.
Thank you for pointing this out. I have to stop. Like now!
I was certainly not an angel throughout our marriage. I am embarassed by some of my behaviors and I like myself better now. It's not fair to focus on his behaviors when mine have not been perfect.
I think I was always hurt because I imagined he didn't care. He felt unappreciated because Nothing was ever good enough.
We were incapable of communicating...really hearing each other out.
Husband and I did not have same views on marriage and committment. I can debate till I'm blue in the face. It doesn't even matter if I am right, which I may or may not be. He did not want to be married. Case closed. I have no choice but to accept it. And yes, it is so hard for me to accept.
Currently, I cannot even talk to him. It's not out of spite. It's just that I am so hurt by his actions and abandonment that any type of real communication just ends up in fight. Any other type of communication seems like pretenses and phoniness.
This is a big 180 from the pursuing and seeking reassurances behaviors, although not helpful either.
I have no hope for reconciliation. OW is a non negotiable for me and all signs point torwards this. I'm not sure if abandonment is a non negotiable. He didn't only abandon me, he abandoned son.
This post is very jumbled, so I apologize. But truly it was helpful. Thank you.
I feel the same as you and JksD. Dreamt for years about having a family just not this way! There will be better days ahead for all of us!
H-46 XW-38 T-7 M-6 S-9,8,8,6,4 S 11/30/15, I filed 12/8/15 EA 2/1/16 D dismissed 3/24/16 PA 3/18/16 confirmed 4/22/16 XW files for D 4/1/16 - D final 11/17/16 Finally moving forward...
