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Originally Posted By: Wonka
Originally Posted By: Coconut
And now, just a few minutes after my last post, she texts "hey babe, how are you"... My analyzing mind asks why she doesn't say I'm thinking of you... Instead it feels like she's checking to see if I'm awake, grrr, why do I have to over analyze everything... I'm just gonna stay silent and not respond, pretty much what I would always do this time of night, it's almost 1 am here..


Wha...WHAT?! You must be thick-headed....wow.

She called you "babe" which is GREAT in my book AND asked how you were. Super!!!

And you're not happy? What the hell?? Geez..that's too bad because YOU lost an opportunity for some fun, light-hearted exchanges with W. You need to understand that W was most definitely thinking of you otherwise she wouldn't have bothered to text you at all.

I think it's high time for you to read Gottman's two books called Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work and The Relationship Cure. They are perfect for your current sitch. You two need to learn how to reconnect as friends and work on the emotional connection.



I agree with Wonka. The fact that she texted you shows she was thinking of you. Saying it would be repetitive.

As for her not texting you earlier--I think long term it's healthier for spouses to be able to have fun and stay present where they are when they are apart. You don't want to "fix" your current issues by causing another problem--spouses who are emotionally fused.

I understand why it was a tough night for you. But you made it through! Next time should be a little easier.


Me: 44
H: 44
Kids: 20, 16, 16, and 10
Together/Married: 22 years
H announced he was emotionally detached and considering D: 4/4/16
H announced he is going to try to stay and reconnect: 5/1/16
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Please start a new thread.


Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to.
The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
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M - 9 1/2 years
5/5/16 - Bomb drop - 3 week EA
10/31/16 - We sold house
01/10/18 - D Finalized
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I apologize to all LBH'S for appearing as to minimize the degree of the affects an A has on a MR. That was far from my intentions. I should have explained it was the feelings of a WW.

I was strictly speaking from that position I was in when I came to the board as a WW who was trying to work through my issues and stay in my M. My point was about my feelings and how it affected me, as a WW, to see self-righteousness (IMHO) in a few of the LBH'S. I think it was hitting a raw nerve in me.........and perhaps I'm projecting when I say I think it could be the case with a lot of WW's trying to get back on track with her MR. If she still has resentment, she's likely to bristle if she senses any self righteous attitude in her H.

Those LBH'S probably meant it the way you stated, Zues, but I was reading it as though they were saying infedility was the worst sin in the world (not just in the M). As a WW, I was very defensive about it, and my resentment would quickly turn on my H. I just would not accept, at that point, that he was so much better.......more right....... than me.......b/c my mindset was not ready to take full responsibility for the hurt I had caused. (At that time I had not felt true remose). I could not accept that it was the worst thing I could ever do. My guilt was stinging.

I meant to just tell H's who were in Coconut's shoes at the point of "holding her feet to the fire", to be careful about giving her the impression he was looking down at her.

((LBH'S ))


It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
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