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Originally Posted By: James3
Do you find you take a stronger stance in your position with your W since being on the AD's?


James,

Your question is hard to answer because the ADs are only part of the equation. I wouldn't say that the ADs help make me stronger, but they help provide a better foundation from which I can be stronger. If that makes sense.

What really made me a stronger person is my IC. She reinforced a lot of the things I'd begun to question as my wife went deeper into her fog (gaslighting and other tactics she used caused me to question myself). My IC kept me on stable ground; she let me know that I was a very good husband and that my wife's "special" friend was her EA partner.

When I look back, it seems ludicrous that I would've believed some of the stuff that my wife was spouting, but I went for it like the good little "yes man" that I was. My IC (she was originally my MC) was critical in helping me find my way back from wimpy guy to strong guy. I've said this before and I'll say it again, I can't thank my IC enough; I can never repay her for what she has done for me.

Again, in answer to your question, I don't think the ADs made me stronger, I think the ADs helped provide a better place for me to work from; the rest I had to do with the IC guiding me. And, I have to tell you, it feels really good to be strong.


Last edited by Cadet; 06/27/16 06:35 AM. Reason: Start a new thread message
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Ah, I see what you mean. But by your example, she hasn't ate in months and probably feels she longer needs to (metaphorically speaking). Aside from that, I'm making it easy for her at the same time. She knows I love her and don't want us to split so I've put her in this position of power. But as of last weekend when she told me I'll always love you but just not like that anymore, that hit me hard and forced a realization that she is either moving on or taking me and my feelings for complete granted. Either way, I need to stand up and draw a line. I've tried being nice and telling her I love her etc with the goal of saving our marriage but she isn't buying in. I believe its come time to take a hard line and stop being walked on.

It's been suggested to me that I should, at the MC session say something like "I'm here to find out how to move on since she feels I'm not what she wants". And if she balks say "Then tell me why I should believe you want to be married to me." Put her on the defensive basically. She may not balk, she may agree mind you.

If I get some positive traction I might further that "Either we both work on the problems together, learn to be patient with each others faults as we work through them, and focus on finding our way back to loving each other under the same roof, or I will see no other choice but to end it."

The other thing I might say is that "I see no other option at this point because she is unwilling to look at her contribution to the dysfunction, and I won't remain married to someone who has this approach, either".

I've got nothing to lose at this point, she is slipping away. The point is to force her to really consider if she is making the right choice by taking me away from her. If she says she doesn't care for me the ramifications are to start the separation and put the house up for sale. It's not what I want but I can't go on like this and need to get some control of my life back.

My wife can sense my insecurity, knows that I love her, don't want us to split up so she can do and say whatever the hell she wants, she's in a position of emotional power over me. This cannot go on like this. My point in what I am saying above is not a threat. I really can't go on in the current situation we are in. If after this MC session her answer is that she doesn't have feelings for me then I have to move forward with separation and selling the house. If it weren't for the kids I might not struggle so much with this. It's their home and I feel guilty about selling but we can't afford two homes so if we are splitting it has be sold.

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Notice how your W suddenly became worried she may be losing YOU. And all it took was to begin acting like your are moving on. Works quite well almost every time but still most avoid and delay taking that stand. The longer you take to stand up for yourself and detach the longer the agony will last. I know you've heard it before but here it is again "you can't nice her back" until you give her a reason to want to come back. You still haven't given her that reason. Hint: making her think she will LOSE YOU is a reason. You don't need to say much, remember ACTIONS are more powerful than WORDS. Notice when you didn't answer her texts it drove her to you. No words you could have said would ever do that. It was the action of not responding and the action of not attending functions with her. Get control of your actions and, FOR GOD'S SAKE, stop worrying about her feelings.


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Women use their emotions, sex, or whatever makes you jump to their tune to control you. Always remember that. They don't really feel as bad as they say but they know you will step in line to appease them. Nice guy doormat syndrome is a condition women take advantage of routinely.

Who ever said "Happy wife, happy life" was a weak, controlled wuss of a husband with a wife that doesn't respect him.

The preferred viewpoint should be "if you want me to treat you like a queen then I need to be treated like a king" That is a position of mutual respect and the condition needed for a healthy M.


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