Found out 12 Hours ago. What now?

[198127]

As far as I know they are still seeing each other. OW kicked out OM and he is getting a place of his own. Talking with my therapist and another counselor, they said counseling can work if the affair is still on going initially, but will eventually fail (obviously) if it is not cut off by the 3 or 4th session or so.

My initial reaction was no counseling while it is ongoing, my only hesitation is what my therapist said, and the fact that this would involve individual counseling for her which hopefully will make her realize how rash and crazy this whole thing is. As of yet, she has not spoken with anyone about the affair and this guy except with him and her mom. Despite a swath of people knowing, she refuses to discuss it with them.

[DDJ]

Mine has cut off all contact with any family member or friend, the only support she has created are those that would support her wayward ways. Sad really.

[Accuray]

198127, tell her you're glad she's interested in counseling -- ask her why she wants to do that? What is she trying to achieve?

Then listen to what she says, don't engage, don't argue, just take it in, then tell her you need some time to think about it.

Acc

[198127]

198127, tell her you're glad she's interested in counseling -- ask her why she wants to do that? What is she trying to achieve?

Then listen to what she says, don't engage, don't argue, just take it in, then tell her you need some time to think about it.

Acc

hmmmmm so let her talk, dont ask questions about her reasons or anything, and then let her leave? Then I follow up agreeing to counseling in a few days?

[Accuray]

I wouldn't follow up agreeing to counseling in a few days. The point is to make the initial conversation one-sided so that you can gather information and process it rather than engaging or starting any kind of argument.

Here's the point, if you say "Why do you want to go to counseling, what are you trying to achieve?"

She could say "I want you to find closure so we can part as friends" in which case there is no need to go to counseling.

She could say "I'm very sorry for what I did. I would like to apologize, make amends and find a way forward". In that case you may agree to counseling.

She could say "I don't like how we're getting along right now and I'd like that to be better" which is basically looking for a way to cake-eat in which case you should refuse counseling until OM is gone.

Acc

[198127]

We talked yesterday. What started as a 3 minute conversation went for over an hour. She is still very mad at the email I sent to family and friends. Kept saying she felt threatened by me because of how I acted the night I found out. Which is why she won't tell me where she is actually staying (with him at a relatives house).

We are going to counseling. I am not exactly sure what her motive is (maybe to keep me from blowing the lid on this at her office). She said we can't continue in this limbo so we have either go here or to d. I guess that's something. There were points yesterday where we were having a genuine discussion including on things that were weaknesses in our marriage. She cried a little bit. She also said "not everyone is perfect" when describing her actions recently---a bit of a an understatement if there ever was one. Also found out she is moving to her own place on a two month lease which corresponds with the end of her job.

I got a little more into talking about her and my thoughts
on her than I wanted, but somehow I think a little bit of it may have gotten through. And hopefully the individual part of the counseling can get through to her, or make her think about her actions.

She still thinks that the only reason this would ever become more public is if someone (me) told everyone. I kept trying to tell her, the OW is telling people the truth, and I am not going to actively go out and tell people anymore, but I'm not lying to them either. That seems to be a huge concern for her because could impact her work going forward. So....in sum, who knows how it all went.

[Accuray]

Time to start a new thread!

Yeah that's the problem with exposure as we've discussed -- it increases resentment. That's why most people here don't recommend it.

Did you ask her what her motive for counseling is?

She said we can't continue in this limbo so we have either go here or to d

So she made an ultimatum and threatened you. How do you feel about that?

Is that how you want things to work?

It sounds to me like her motive for counseling is to get you to stop discussing her affair with anyone else. She's afraid that she doesn't have the power to control you, so she's looking for a professional to intervene on her behalf.

If that's her motivation for counseling, why would you agree to that? What's in it for you?

I suggest not going to counseling. Either she wants to work on the relationship, or she doesn't. Based on the fact that she's getting her own place and still actively in touch with OM, she doesn't want to work on the relationship and therefore there is no need for counseling.

If she's afraid of what you'll say or do too bad, her actions have had consequences. Obviously it would be to your benefit to not make that situation worse, but you don't owe her anything.

I would say "W, I appreciate that you're worried about what I might say about your affair, and I understand that you're angry about what I've said already. I'm done talking about it. I don't see any point in going to counseling unless you want to work on our relationship, and in order to do that, you need to end your affair and go 'no contact' with OM. Until that happens, there is no point in going to counseling. If you want to proceed with divorce I guess that's what you have to do, but I'm not going to waste my time in counseling unless we are both committed to working on our relationship."

If you can't hold the line on this and decide you DO want to go to counseling with her anyway, here's the only way you should do it:

1) You pick the counselor
2) You meet with the counselor 1:1 in advance, explain the situation, explain what you want to get out of counseling and what your agenda is, and see if the counselor will work with you.

If they are not going to work with you or you don't get a good vibe, go back to step 1 and pick a new counselor. Do your screening before you mention any of them to W.

Once you find one you think is marriage friendly and will play by your rules, then go ahead if you want to -- but I really think it's a bad idea.

I would call her bluff. Why do you want to be married to someone who's having an affair?

Acc