Broken not defeated pt 3

[Phoebe]

Cherry, I have to agree with Blu. You really are worth so much. It's time that you started believing it, too.

Noting baby steps is one thing, but the muddling of your emotional needs with his physical needs creates confusion and only benefits him.

Sleep well, Cherry, and know that I say this because I think you deserve a strong commitment from your H, not this wishy-washy closeness at night and distance during the day situation.

[Cherry]

Thanks guys for the honesty, I needed that.

You're all so right. He is so up and down, and when he throws me crumbs, I take them and forget how far I have travelled. He doesn't have the fear of loosing me. And I think that enables his behaviour- because it's all risk free then isn't it. He satisfies his needs whilst having the back up of me and the security and warm feeling of family that come along with me.

I do have the fear of loosing him I think. And I think it's what I HAD that keeps me holding on, and the fact he is, and always will be the father of my child.

But you are right, I need to start believing how much I am worth. I do deserve someone fully in who will treat me right. And I need to get there.

His warmness does seem to have cooled again. Left without saying a word again today to go to work. And then after reading all you guys' posts. It hit me like a truck. And now I feel rather foolish to fall into such a trap

[DDJ]

I don't think its falling into the trap, talking about myself here, I think we're not getting out of the hole in the first place. Never did, at least with our hearts.

Show him that you don't need him. Make him think that you do not care about him. Don't be cold, just put in place the boundary that his behaviour is unacceptable. And what you're doing is to protect you.

i'm finding it difficult to protect my heart, don't think that I ever will. But i've got to try.

[BluWave]

Hi Cherry,

For whatever it's worth, I don't think you are a fool at all. I think H is the fool! I can't even imagine what it is like to know that he is with you, but not fully committed to you and your M.

I just want you to know that it is much easier to sit here and tell you my opinion, but I am not in your shoes. And, quite frankly, I can't afford them! LOL. ... Like I said before, my H was all out and then all in, and while he felt very guilty and threw me crumbs in between, I did not have to live with him and share a bed with him knowing that his mind was somewhere else.

So as I sit here and give you all this feedback, I realize I don't know what it's like to be in your position and live with him there. I am just mainly concerned with what this does to your inner core self; to be so loyal and committed to this man, knowing that he is not. He has you dangling by a thread and it is so unfair to you!

I would never sit here and say what you need to do, that you should leave him, drop the rope, etc, and I would never judge you! I am too busy judging myself :-) However as I read through your threads, the thought that keeps coming back to me is, "this fool has no idea what he is ruining. As soon as she is done and out--really done and moving on--he is going to have the biggest wake up call of his life!" Maybe by then it will be too late for him, I dunno.

None of us can tell you when you should reach that point, and that is your decision only! I just hope if and when that day comes, you don't look back and feel that you contributed to allowing him to hurt you for too long. You get to control how much he is allowed to control your emotions and self worth, and only you!

-Blu

[Cherry]

Thanks blu, it is unbearable at times. It's like he is there. But not there, he throws the crumbs and I seem to pick them up.

I think that you are right, one day maybe I will decide I've had enough, and he will get a wake up call. Or maybe he won't, it depends how lost in this he really is.

It is tiresome for the soul to let him drag me down, so I'm going to try to pick myself back up again. Dust myself down, and get on with concentrating on me. A part of me wants to ask him what the last few days have been about. But then that would be pursuing a r talk. And I don't want to do that.

[DDJ]

Cherry, I spent the entire day thinking/anxious about what my WW was thinking. That drove me mad! Just ask.

Try this... (i can't believe i'm giving validation advice)...

"You appear to have been down for the last few days, would you like to speak about it?" or "I can't help but notice that you appear somewhere else, anything on your mind that you might want to speak about?"

That's not R speak, maybe his waiting for you to ask, maybe he's not. You're not going to know if you don't ask. Then sit and listen; listen like you have never listened before, just nods and uh-hums. NO words. Pull it out of him without words, and put your mind at ease.

[Phoebe]

Cherry, I've been thinking about you all day.

Don't beat yourself up about anything that you do or don't do. There is nothing foolish about wanting to save your marriage to the father of your child.

I've said it before and I'll say it again - you are an incredibly strong woman, worthy of all kinds of DB awards!

Every day you have to think about what is happening in your R because it is happening in real time. every day he is there and yet not there. I can't even imagine how difficult that must be. I struggle so badly, and my R is in a place of complete stasis. Nothing changes day to day, and there is no contact to speak of. It's just me and my head and heart, trying to find a way through.

I hope that you have a good night's sleep, and that tomorrow brings you something beautiful, like a hug and a kiss from your little boy.

[Cherry]

Thank you phoebe. I feel I'm going back to a beginners mind. There is positive signs, so I shall acknowledge but not obsess.

I pick myself up, dust myself down and back to business, focus on me.

And I think it's time for a new thread

[Cherry]

http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2676277&#Post2676277

New thread