It's been two months things have turned around a bit until last night. W has been friendly, no arguments, even went out for my birthday. Last night we argued and she said, " that's it that's why I just want to get through our family vacation" and then work on a divorce. I feel devasted again cause all this time I thought it was getting better,but I feel like I am failing.
I have a hard time listening,especially when my spouse is rude and disrespectful.. and I do try to get my point across and I know I should and listening and know not listening is my behavior #1 to do a 180 and w said that she can put her hand up on her heart to a judge to our children and say that I am responsible for the deterioration of the marriage and that is cause I have not listened and interrupt,and feels I have not changed with this. And she is right, I sometimes but in. And am learning to listen.
Just trying to make it through this day, wife just left for work, pulling myself together,don't want son to see me upset, I have to go work but hard to focus. Everytime when things are good they are God but when she has had enough she pulls out the trump card and says that's it it done it's over, and I'm a grown man and I see a lot of trauma in my job,but those words make me keel over in my bathroom, man okay my rant is over, back to work, one good thing is that I am exercising daily, it balances out my stress.
I had a good weekend with us all doing things as a family. Wife was annoyed this morning, and said the same things, "I can't wait till this family trip is over,(we have not had it yet), then I can leave, and get my own bank account. I said why do you always revert to saying these hurtful things when you are irritated,she responded by saying she is not reverting, that's how she feels and she is only just getting along with me and not trying to work things out. I feel like I get false hope,but as she went to work, I am sitting here,and understand this is how she feels, and it doesn't have to make me feel good. I may not like it,but I'm just trying to understand, cause this is pretty painful, when you care for someone who says they don't feel the same for you.
My problem is that when I see that things look good from my perception, it's so easy for her to shut off her emotions.
I messaged my w this afternoon and said that I am going out on the weekend. I don't know what I'm going to do but i am trying to gal. W sent me a slew of texts after I sent that, trying to get a rise out of me, but I kept a good pma.
One of her comments was "do what you want, I don't care, just don't get in my business about what I do". And I could have played phone ping pong, but I did not.that last comment did irk me though.
I look back over the last two months and realize that along with the exercise, I should have been gal as well, so one day at a time, just have to finish work and at least make it to bedtime, but I had a great day.
