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Hi Blu. I am sorry to hear that the roller coaster ride continues, but glad that you were able to have a cathartic talk with your H. Tears are a sign that we are willing to let ourselves be vulnerable with a person. That you were willing to share that vulnerability with your H speaks of your increasing trust with him.

My H hasn't seen even a moist eye since he walked. I do not trust him, nor am I safe with him.

Where there is love there is hope. That's the thought that I come back to sometimes. Your H came back because there was love and he was willing to work.

Is there a reason you are resistant to returning to couples therapy? You mentioned that you didn't think it was helping, but your H now insists. Does that mean that he does think it was helping? I'm wondering about the differing perspectives that you have.


H: 44, Me: 45
Married: 20 y Together: 25 y
no kids
Walk away: 12/15
Asked for temp separation 12/25/15
PA confirmed 3/16 (apparently neither the first, nor the last PA he has had)
H filed for D 5/16
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Hi Blu, you are a lovely presence on this forum and I look out for your posts. I'm sorry things are still up and down. The triggers and PTSD symptoms are tough and will take some time to pass. People say they do reach a point where these settle down and they also say that piecing should be tough.

Regarding the MC - how did you feel about the counsellor? Would it help to move to a different MC, or perhaps even consider an event like Retrouvaille together? People on the forum seem to really rate it.

A big positive in your sitch is how committed your H is from what you post and that's a huge factor. I've read many sitches in piecing where the spouse seems a bit flaky - but I don't get that impression from you.

I hope you're having a better weekend and remember to relax and enjoy some fun times too. I read an affirmation on Reality Trip's old thread about breathing and being okay through feelings....I wonder if it might help with the FIGHT response perhaps?

I'll look it out and post it for you xx


T 13 M 7
Me 48 H 46
SS 15
BD 7.14 PA
D final 5.16 (H filed)

We receive & we lose, and must try to achieve gratitude & embrace with whole hearts whatever of life that remains after the losses - Dubus
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Blu,

Thank you for checking in with me and your words of support. Seeing you share and check in on so many really tells me the kind of person you are. In spite of the challenges you are going through, you still provide service for others, and this is a sign of a person that only a fool would leave.
I admire you for the persistence you have in the difficult task of piecing with your H.

You will continue to grow as you continue to be so self reflective. I encourage you to pray and ask God to help with the difficult task of forgiveness. For yourself first and then for your H. I am learning this, because it has been pointed out to me, that I try so hard to forgive others, but I never seem to forgive myself. I have been counseled that if I do not forgive myself first, that the task of forgiving others is much more difficult.

I don't know why I share that with you, but I sense in your story, that you may be a bit hard on yourself, and that may be holding some of the pain of what your H has done.
Forgive me if I am off base here, but if it helps, I pray that you feel comfort and peace in this advice.

May you have a wonderful day and enjoy moments of happiness with your family.


Me 46 Former W 46
D19 D7
BD Feb 2016
WAW moves out 4/16/16
D final 6/1/2017

It's time for me to start changin' the way I look at the world......and at myself. ~James Howlett aka Wolverine
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Please start a new thread.


Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to.
The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
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Ralph, thank you. I agree. I think that is good advice for all of us. Sometimes we need to take a step back and just live life. You are correct, I am having a difficult time forgiving him. It's hard to understand that when you are the LBS because you just want the person back. It is hard to look forward and know that even of you have them back, they have still hurt you and betrayed you in the worst way. I do feel positive that we will get through this, I just am coming to accept that forgiveness and trust are choices, and they are hard choices, and quite frankly sometimes it's easier to cross my arms over my chest and stomp my feet.

Phoebe, thank you for the kind words, you are so lovely. Yes, we can def have moments of closeness and vulnerability, and I do "feel" that I can trust him. But, before any of this happened I always trusted him, without doubt--thought he would never hurt me--and so no longer being the fool that I was, I accept that anyone can hurt another. He didn't hurt me with the intention of breaking my trust--those were his circus monkeys--however the result has left a permanent scar on me. I will never be that naive in life. So now I trust him because I choose to, not because I simply do; it is a daily action. What he must understand, is that it is not unconditional. It can't be. It is earned, and that shouldn't be taken for granted. This must go both ways.

We were in MC for a year. Honestly, she was great--pricey, but her perspective and advice were spot on. We went for a year and there was a lot to be gained. I was finding that we were going in some of the same circles. It was also incredibly painful and I don't know if I was ready. I think her and H would agree that as much as I wanted the M to work, I still hadn't fully accepted him after what happened. I feel that I am getting there now.

Sotto, thank you for your perspective! I don't think another MC is what we need. The anxiety just leading up to the appts was eating me. There were times that we had productive sessions, but there were more times that we left drained, triggered, and frustrated. It made it difficult to go home and lead a normal life with kids, with all the lingering feelings. So I decided to take a break, commit to spending one day a week together where we worked on building something new. I felt that it was time to start moving forward. H is committed to making this work, and he has dealt with a lot in the last year--his own recovery, shame/regrets, self growth, and also a tremendous amount of patience with me. I think it is taking me a very long time to accept what happened. Wait, my H did what?!? Really?!? Yeah, I still have those moments.

I don't know what Reality Trip is, but I will look it up. I recall seeing other posters talk about Retrouvaille, but I don't know what that is either. Is it a religious based program? I will read about that too. There was a poster 25-something, and I loved her posts and feedback. Her perspective resonated with me. I vaguely recall she was piecing and did that program with her H. Is she still out there? :-)

Sadhub, thank you. You are correct--I think we both can be a rock for others, but perhaps not so much for ourselves. You are very wise, calming, and supportive of others here. I appreciate it. I am def too hard on myself. I have been hearing that for a long time! I can stew and beat myself up over and over again. I do like reading/writing here tho, and it has been therapeutic for me as well. I also keep thinking that I need something new--a new hobby, exercise, art, something--so that I can focus on a different future where some of this stuff that happened makes more sense. I need to look forward, and not just think about it.


Okay, so the boss has spoken. I am going to start a new thread now. My first official thread is closing. Thank you DBers for the beautiful experience and support.

Time to move forward!

Cadet, can you link me up?


“Forgiveness liberates the soul. It removes fear. That is why it is such a powerful weapon.” – Nelson Mandela
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I'm not Cadet, but I will link your threads for you.

New Thread:

WHs do come back--Piecing--No more Mr. Nice Guy.


Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to.
The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
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