HI Ciluzen, boy, was that helpful to hear from you at that moment. I just went to do some yard stuff at our guest house thing and just lost it crying all over again. Didn't sleep enough so my emotional control is lost completely. today everything is reminding me of him, of the projects we talked of doing, the garden sits undone, bla bla bla, too much nostalgia all over the place. A bit of info - since about last summer he's been really irritable, sarcastic, critical, impatient and sometimes belittling. He was definitely resentful that I wasn't earning as much money and hadn't found a better job. But in my defense, I was handling all the cooking,cleaning, shopping errands etc. I felt frustrated he didn't think of that as being part of the 'team' and taken for granted. I was mostly working 25 hours a week and doing all of the above as well. While he has been a lot less depressed in past 6 months, he would still have a couple days here and there where he would crash and stay in bed all afternoon on a weekend day. He started walking/hiking a lot last fall and then went into a gear buying binge last fall/winter - and I could tell his need for independence was increasing but that was in a healthy way in terms of going out and hiking on weekend day instead of what he'd do in the past which was hang out at house and feel depressed. I was very happy he'd found this outlet and he was reconnecting with the part of himself that loves adventure and travel. It was the first time in so long he wasn't as depressed, so that was good. He was more fun on weekends as well. his main complaint besides the work/money thing was that he needed me to be more 'calm.' I have analyzed all this and understand completely how it relates to his childhood wounds/abuse by father and basically having a pretty horrible childhood and school years. He has always said he never felt he had a core or a center due to the fact that his mother was emotionally about 12 years old and wasn't equipped to provide real emotional nourishment to him as a child. So his way of handling stress of any kind is to go into a protective stance, to ward of danger - he is definitely love avoidant/dismissive in terms of attachment styles. And I am the anxious pursuer. Not a great combo, but not unusual. Some of our tension would occur when he got home from work and wanted to sit out, watch sunset and listen to music. often I just sat with him and listed too. He would urge me to come out and sit with him if I didn't. The problem would occur when I'd want to talk but after a stressful day he just wanted to 'be' together and listen to music without talking. What is so frustrating to me now is that he just always expected me to magically just be 'calm' without often being willing to really listen to why I was feeling so anxious - money stuff we didn't talk about, feeling I had to handle the entire household, the fact I have ADD and that makes some things more challenging for me in terms of organizing time/ paperwork/ money. Then I'd feel I couldn't talk to him about what was challenging for me for fear of getting into a big fight/conflict/ stress about it and would back off. That is my cross to bear from codependent behaviors - thinking I always have to do it right, fear of not pleasing, fear of not doing anything right and if it's not right, it is all my fault. He also expects me to be a mind reader a lot and would say things starting with ...'you sure are talkative' instead of just saying he wasn't in a talking mood. His thing is to blame me and mine is to take too much responsibility. His job is very stressful and I felt he didn't have any emotional energy left for me often, or at least not until Sunday when he'd had a day or two to recover from his work week. What is also frustrating is that just a couple days before this big fight he was so sweet, we went out with friends, came home and danced together, he was sweet that Sunday. I am angry that he has just given up instead of being willing to talk to each other. The changes needed are really not that drastic. With my new awareness of codependent behaviors that weren't working for me or for him, when I am more centered and calm and focused on what I need to do, most of these conflicts just don't happen! I don't understand how to simultaneously have hope, work on DBing and detach. This is the part I'm not getting. I'm anxious about him getting his own place fearing I'll rarely see him and it will be even easier for him to keep me out of his life/mind/heart. I was just listening to a podcast by a guy that has a marriage saving program online and he talks about writing an apology letter. I have to say it hasn't felt good to not say anything about the behaviors I regret and for which I am truly remorseful. I know it most likely wouldn't make any difference at this point, but what this guy says is that it can plant the seed for later reconciliation. FYI - the thing about someone who is avoidant/dismissive is that they tend to keep the rage they feel from their childhood wounds pushed down until it erupts when really triggered, like our fight, and they'll do anything to not let those feelings out again. I know he thinks now he can't feel safe with me, even though it isn't me who caused those feelings, or his behavior. Then he goes back into his head and stays there in his thinking - not feeling - as a way to protect himself. I've seen this for years, now it's just more extreme. So I know this is why he is very guarded with me, will be easily defensive and why it's so important I stay calm and don't get into anything that could escalate into an argument. I've done well with this in our two meetings. It will take a lot to get him to see me differently, to change his beliefs about me, which are now all based on the past and some projections from childhood stuff most likely. ok, i should shut up now. I guess I am still in shock and not functioning well today at all. going to take a nap. THANK YOU
You're fine, LandC. Really. You're H sounds eerily similar to mine. In healthcare, right? Wouldn't be that profession with the highest suicide rate would it? Sorry, I have a darkside and a sick sense of humor...and my husband belongs to that high stress job.
He also wanted to just sit and listen to music or watch mind numbing tv shows (usually food network or shows on antiques) just as meditation. And then I would talk his ear off or ask him a million questions.
I get that you want to write a letter or make your feelings known, but now is not the time. You're an emotional wreck (sorry, but you are right now) and have "trauma brain". He just made a decision and is not willing or able to hear you. He expects that letter or R talk. He has prepared for it and he is ahead of the game as far as detaching. If he is anything like my H, he feels that he tried in the marriage and it didn't work. So now he has probably convinced himself that he's doing you a favor by setting you free. Crazy, right?
Focus on you, smile and be pleasant, vague, serene (so hard to do) and pull your 180's. A time will come when you can probe around his wounds with a bit of R talk. But not right now. Make him miss you and wonder why you seem different. This will take awhile. Be patient, lie low. Don't be the nervous bird that becomes a target by flying out of the bush when flushed. Wait for him to look for you. His sweetness so close to bomb drop says he has feelings for you still, but is protecting both of you from whatever blackness he feels the need to stuff. Be patient.
M-51 H-54 2D-27 and 25 M-26 yrs Bombshell and IHS 7-29-15 He moved out 10-3-15 D filed 1-27-16 D final 10-27-16
You are a rockstar of my sunday! Between you and the talk I just had with my brother, feeling better than I have in 24 hours! Coming out of my relapse! You of course are right about the letter etc. I think you are very wise. I like this idea of 'trauma brain' is that something real or did you make it up? I guess I could take it as the DR book says as a small tiny step improvement that he was sweet to me and gave me a hug and think of that as a step in the right direction and quit trying to figure out the rest of it right now. I need to get a good night's sleep and just get going on my GAL and 180 actions. I will read the rest of your posts so I know what is going on with you. I really really thank you for taking time out of your sunday to respond ... made me feel so less alone. I talked to a friend I've had since high school today - we reconnected last year - it's funny how people who don't know about DBing say things that would have made sense 2 months ago to me, but now, it's like, NO, can't do that! Between not talking about the R, or the future, or the M or asking any questions, or interrogating, etc. I guess all that's left is the Walking Dead or the elections? just kidding. oh, and I love your dark sense of humor. That's one reason I feel better, my brother, who is VERY funny, made me laugh. maybe I'll watch a comedy tonight! THANKS a Gazillion.
I had to laugh at the Walking Dead comment. Back when I struggled not to turn every conversation into a discussion about the R, I told H we needed to find a show to watch together. So we became the last people in America to start watching Orange Is the New Black. It really did help to have an innocent topic of conversation.
I'm sorry the weekend was tough. I hope your Monday is great!
Me: 44 H: 44 Kids: 20, 16, 16, and 10 Together/Married: 22 years H announced he was emotionally detached and considering D: 4/4/16 H announced he is going to try to stay and reconnect: 5/1/16
thanks Rose, I couldn't even bring myself to watch the last episodes of TWD (The Walking Dead) without him, so don't know what the finale is! fyi - I have NOT watched orange is the new black! got some sleep and feeling better today. thank you!
Hi Job, How do I do that? thank you and where does the old thread go?
How to start a thread
I will use what Job wrote
First Click on Newcomers then:
Originally Posted By: job
Go to the top of the screen and there is a new topic box on the left hand side. Click on it and then you will open the window to create a new subject as well as a posting. It's the same way that you created this thread.
