I had a dream last night about hugging a guy...more than a hug, it was just a really loving hug, I don't even know who it was in my dream but it was sooo nice to just feel loved in my dream.
roar,
I had the same dream. As it turns out, it was Mr. Bean. I had to take a shower afterward.
aaaand I need a good lesson in detaching or a good lesson in learning my lesson.
Just journaling:
So, yesterday I was sitting outside on my break at work enjoying the breeze and just life in general. Feeling grateful I was able to put some pieces of my life back together, even if it's less than optimal...
I started thinking about STBXH and how I'm really only happy when I consider how much stronger all of this has made me, how much I'm growing, all the things I want to do and the idea of him possibly being in my life romantically in the future again.
I'm crazy...
So I texted him and asked if he ever entertains the thought of there being an us again in the future. He said no...and of course was perplexed by my question because I've been swearing up and down that I'm fine with all of this. To ease my pain, or to ease his pain, I don't ****ing know.
...but I've been lying through my teeth, and I never lie. I take a lot of pride in that, honestly.
He was digging, trying to find out if there was someone else. Of course, there isn't. Then because he asked the question, I asked him....he told me he has his eyes on someone else...but doesn't know what will come of it, if anything...but he wants to be with her....
*cue losing ones almost literal crap*
I flipped out. I told him I was going to go to the courthouse, take back the divorce paperwork (I filed to save HIM money and to salvage whatever psychotic relationship I imagined we would have). I told him I would fight him to the death for custody. Our daughter is not going to have him in her life at all - he hasn't been there and she doesn't need him.
Then I couldn't face it anymore...I just couldn't...
He told me that me telling him I wanted to salvage our marriage to keep us a family wasn't enough for him to stay. I told him I lied. I lied....because I didn't want him to know that it was never for her, it was for me. I wanted him. I didn't think it would matter to him what I wanted, how much I loved him or any of that. A single lie probably changed the trajectory of this entire mess...
but I set myself free with that honesty, as hard as it was. I just couldn't keep it anymore.
We were constantly fighting on and off about stupid things, all because I had feelings and he didn't. I told him EVERYTHING. **stupid stupid stupid** Everything I felt.
He just wants me to be happy, and he wants to be happy. He wants to see what can happen with this other girl, and I'm supposed to just...be his friend. He wants to talk to me, he wants to share things with me, etc etc.
and I'm going to continue to die inside. I live with HIS MOTHER for goodness sake. I can't get away if a tried...it just is what it is right now until I can afford to get on my feet. I'm just a mess.
How do I let go when I want him to come back to me every minute of every day? How do I detach? HOW?!
I'm struggling with mornings - the waking up, the disbelief that this is my life right now, and just the complete dread of another day in my reality. This is SO dramatic...and I hate to even admit it, but it's the truth. It's sad...but true.
I wanted to send him an update about D4 but after realizing I've been shoving her down his throat for the past few years, I decided not to. I've always updated him on every little thing, even when he was overseas, he never had the chance to ask about her. I thought that was part of being a good, on top of things mother...but alas, it seems as though I've created one of my biggest frustrations in our M - scratch that since D papers are just awaiting the judges stamp of approval - just a big frustration, was that he never really seemed interested in her. She's special needs, and amazing. From my POV, I know he loves her but isn't passionate about her like I am. I LIVE for this little girl. I gave up my career for her and so H could pursue a good career for himself...and heeere I am, with her and literally starting at the bottom...
UGH. I need to stop going over this over and over again. I think to myself, if someone did that for me and my child, I don't think I would have just RAN. I would have tried to do something to save our M, our family. Something. Anything!
So, I kept busy today.... Wanted to call him, beg him to consider everything... but he's busy with OW - messaging her, fantasizing about her. YUCK. go figure.
I need to really GAL, detach and 180. I said this months ago, and I'm stuck. JUST STUCK.
I had to take a shower afterward.