Thanks for your insight and questions, Painter and others. I've tried every GAL I can think of. This weekend I: 1)Joined my Divorce Seminar folks Friday evening for a beer. 2)Then went out dancing with a friend. 3)On Saturday I went to a swim fitness class 4)Went for a long walk with my housemate and our dogs 5)Met a friend for drinks and a movie. 6)On Sunday I spoke with friends on the phone, went on an 18 mile bike ride (alone), then 7)Went to my divorce seminar 8)Then afterwards I fell apart because I hadn't heard from her on V day and couldn't get to sleep until 2 hours after I had texted her this at 1 a.m.: Do you remember when we fell in love? It felt so right because it was. We both knew it. There were no "major concerns." [she said she has major concerns about ow] You reminded me last week that we used to leave parties and agree we were the best couple there. Because we were. That's why this is so wrong. [Last week she asked if I remembered saying that to her and I said yes but she never responded, so I was responding.] You say that you are a low life and a crazy woman, but I don't believe that. I believe in you just as I always have."
Please, don't tear it apart and tell me all the reasons why I shouldn't have sent the text and what I should have said differently and why each thing I did say was wrong. I know everyone's opinion. It's just that sometimes I think I know my W better than you do, and I thought this might help. I really did. You tell me to be short with her and don't engage, but last Friday that's what she wanted to do and so I did and heard that she wants me back. She's in some sort of a crisis, and she has reached out for support and to let me know she wants our life back. So I did it, I talked to her and I texted her and I tried to call her earlier in the evening last night (she didn't answer). I will try not to do it again. I will try to follow the advice, and please keep it coming. I am really trying to move on but I feel stuck and all the GAL activities in the world don't take away the hurt I feel or the joy I feel when she gives me hope.
11/4/15 W revealed EA/2 months later became PA with co-worker Reconciling since late April 2016 Don't give up until it's time, then move on Be patient, strong and kind but never a doormat
Hi NYG, most of us here don't post advice based on pure opinion - we post it based on the DB approach. I do think there are reasons why you shouldn't have sent that text and I have also seen many people who believe they know their SO better than posters on this site. It sounds as though you already know it was a mistake, and presumably you haven't had a reply from her?
As you say - it is best if you can try not to do it again and try to follow the advice. From where I am sitting, your W is continuing with her A and dropping kibbles for you every now and again, which you gobble up and then ask for walkies. I'm sorry to be blunt, but I have been in the same place - with my H telling me how he loves me and how beautiful I am and how OW isn't very nice to him - but months later he was still with her - off - on - off - on etc. Wash, rinse, repeat. The only way is to get yourself right out of that situation and leave her to sort out her own mess.
JMHO - but I would encourage you to re-read the 37 rules and assess how your late night text fits with them. If you can act from a place of logic ahead of emotion - then I think you really begin to get somewhere.
Do take care, and I don't mean to offend or upset - I'm posting with good intentions.
T 13 M 7 Me 48 H 46 SS 15 BD 7.14 PA D final 5.16 (H filed)
We receive & we lose, and must try to achieve gratitude & embrace with whole hearts whatever of life that remains after the losses - Dubus
I get that you are feeling pain and feeling really low especially on Valentine's Day not hearing from W. We all have been your shoes. Not a fun place to be at all.
You got sucked back in and reeled in like a fish when you and W last talked. The sole purpose, from her POV, was to merely temp check to make sure you're still right where she wants you to be. All WASes who are in A want to keep all options open. That should tell you right off bat how messed up in their heads they are when deep in affair fog.
From where I am sitting, you are VERY reactive. As you know from experience, that never went well for you. Trust us when we tell that DBing really does work when properly applied. Sending that text screams of a very needy and insecure person. It sounded like you were trying to audition for her affections. Trying to reason and remind W of how it "used" to be never works. What you're doing here in essence is ARGUING with W's POV telling her that "she's wrong."
That will set you back 10 steps like the Candyland game. You know how the game is played. You go up the ladder and then you make misstep...down you do on the BIG SLIDE. Back to square one.
For the love of God, STOP texting W. For real. You say that you know W better than we do, how's that working out for you so far? You're still here. For once, I really wish you would apply the advice we say here and STICK with it.
You were doing really well. UNTIL. That talk with W last week. Boom! All of your hard work has gone down the drain.
Sometimes you frustrate me when you say that you will try to follow the advice and you DON'T "because we don't understand W like you do." Let me tell you this. We DBErs understand DB and have applied these principles to great success because we've followed the advice to the letter.
DBing is a road map for you and you just can't go off on the reservation because "I want to see and talk with W!"
I warned you from the beginning that in all the years I've been on DB site, I've NEVER, NEVER seen a DBer reconcile with their WAS under 6 months. Yeah, RT reconciled with her wife after 9 months...a rarity. The average is 1 to 2 years. This is a tough, hard, and LOOONG slog. You're expecting miracles to happen only 2 months into DB and W is still very HEAVILY engaged in an A.
Forget about reconciling. Forget about W's words because she's all talk...there's no walk to back it up. Talk is cheap. Stop letting your emotions get the upper hand for they've not served you well at all. Time to use your Spock hat.
Get busy living. When W calls you, just simply say, "W, before you go any further: Are you still with OW? Then there's nothing to talk about. Bye."
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
11/4/15 W revealed EA/2 months later became PA with co-worker Reconciling since late April 2016 Don't give up until it's time, then move on Be patient, strong and kind but never a doormat
