His mother was a psychologist and his father was a philosopher. So he absolutely refuses to go to counseling of any kind. His Dad left when he was little, he won't talk about that time in his life but talks about later as a preteen/teen when he used to go visit him.
If I needed a wake up call today to get out of this funk.. this definitely did it:
“You might not have changed a thing, but it was never you, that changed, it was the rebellious midlife spouse that changed. This change brought a crossroad, and a choice was made to end the marriage. The midlife spouse had a chance to choose what was right, but very few ever choose the right way to go…
To help you with detachment, remind yourself that your midlife spouse is 180 from the man you knew. Would you really want to be in a relationship with someone who has no respect for you as a woman, wife or mother of his children? Do you want to be in a relationship with a boy or an emotionally mature man? It is very hard to watch someone we love self-destruct, but he is doing this to himself and he has to want to stop the chaos…
You do not get any choice in whether the midlife spouse chooses to return, or stay gone. That kind of decision is all about them, and has nothing to do with you. Midlife spouses who make choices, do it base on what THEY want, THEY need, and neither you or anyone else has anything to do with their choices made from the same free will that you have. IF they return to you, it’s going to be because of THEM … NOT YOU.”
To some degree I am doing this to myself, yes I have a right to feel hurt and betrayed but what I do about those feelings are my choice. If I choose to let them win by giving into them then I am just hurting myself. However, if I choose to not allow them to win then I can move ahead on my own journey and not wallow in feelings that won’t benefit me and just succeed in hurting me more.
Don’t get me wrong, I love my husband and I am still standing. I will still cry and hurt but I am not going to allow those feeling to control me. That is my choice.
“The point is, we never had any real control over our spouses to begin with. They always had that control, but allowed us to influence them, which gave us the illusion of having “other control” when really, we controlled nothing but ourselves, our actions, our reactions, and/or responses…
They became DIFFERENT, showing you a side of the person you’d always been with, but didn’t know as fully as you thought you did. You say this isn’t the person you know, and that is true. However, you’re really pushing the envelope when you say this isn’t the person you married… why? Because the reality is, this IS the person you married, though, this is not the “side” or “facet” of the person you saw and perceived in them when you married.
Each person is tasked with choosing their own path during this time. Choose wisely and well, because your choices made now, will affect the rest of your life.”
The marriage as we know it ended the day he walked out, IF he chooses to return and I choose to accept his return we can never go back to the way things were. We are now and will be even more so later, different people, with different experiences. There is no going back, only moving forward and if we should come together again it won’t be going back. Because in going back, we would set the stage for the same thing to happen over again. We need to move forward and create a new path.. whether that path will be together or apart is yet to be seen.
Sitting here trying to figure out the taxes and gathering things for the attorney for Wednesday. Just consult, but I am worried about him continuing to help with the bills. Oh and yeah.. he wants me to keep paying his car insurance because after all that is why he leaves me money, nevermind the mortgage and other bills.
