Nooooooooooooo, don't you feel badly. Use it or don't. Use it with him or with someone else. Or not. Heck, I'm sure we could all be better at listening and (not) arguing. I just talked about all this with my IC and she reminds me to practice on friends. That's easier.
11/4/15 W revealed EA/2 months later became PA with co-worker Reconciling since late April 2016 Don't give up until it's time, then move on Be patient, strong and kind but never a doormat
Nooooooooooooo, don't you feel badly. Use it or don't. Use it with him or with someone else. Or not. Heck, I'm sure we could all be better at listening and (not) arguing. I just talked about all this with my IC and she reminds me to practice on friends. That's easier.
That's a good idea. Using it on friends. I'll do that. Thanks
I wish W would badger me like XF is badgering you! The silence here is deafening.
I also wish my H would continually try to communicate with me too. The silence here is also deafening.
M:45 H:48 M:11 No kids BD:Sept'15 EA:Confirmed 1wk later PA: Oct'15 12 '15 2 wk R Just kidding, H wants NC 12 '15 H back w/OW 4 '15 R &still working on it
....and, I've been mostly NC (except for 1 hour) for over a month and he really just doesn't seem to care at all. And, during that one hour, not only did he not seem to care, he didn't want me around. Very frustrating. The NC worked once, don't really see that it's going to work a second time.
I really wish some of the vets on this forum would help me out and give me some words of wisdom, or guidance, or something.
M:45 H:48 M:11 No kids BD:Sept'15 EA:Confirmed 1wk later PA: Oct'15 12 '15 2 wk R Just kidding, H wants NC 12 '15 H back w/OW 4 '15 R &still working on it
So I had another talk with XF. Don't worry nothing like the last one. He gave me the update on his mom which, thankfully, is better than we were led to believe. So thank God for that.
VERY glad to hear that she's doing better! That's great news.
Originally Posted By: Rain75
Also, and this is where I was left a little angry, about his plans. How he is going to work on himself... Why does this upset me?
He is suddenly obsessed with making money.....
So this is his primary motivation with pissed me off. Also the license and the job change are things I've encouraged for years. As well as his credit, which I helped get off the ground by budgeting to an inch of crazy so that he could start paying debts. But he was always happy floating along. And I begged for him to move. Never wanted to hear it. Now he is very excited about the idea. Really?? Now? Ugh
Rain, CAREFUL about the mind reading here. Just to give you a different perspective.... When I origionally separated from my H, he began picking up after himself and even cleaning his house. I'm talking about scrubbing things and CLEANING! When I lived there, he wouldn't even pick up after himself and certainly NEVER cleaned anything ever. He was so proud of himself for washing the dishes, cleaning the shower/bathtub, doing his laundry, etc. There were things that I had asked him to do and he never would. Well, suddenly he was expecting that after I was gone and it didn't matter, that I would be so excited that he was doing those things for himself even though he wouldn't do them for ME. I told him exactly what I thought about it too. I was MAD! How dare he think I was going to be happy about that. It felt like a slap in my face. After I told him what I thought, he stopped doing it. I completely deflated him. Really. Hurt his feelings. What I didn't understand was that in his own way, he WAS doing it for me. He was trying to get my praise and attention. He was trying to become more attractive to ME. And, instead of thinking he was awesome, I smacked him down and hurt his feelings. I showed him!!!
On a separate occasion.....2 years later he was looking for a new vehicle. I got so tired of looking at new cars for him when I couldn't even hardly manage to pay my bills. One day we were at a dealership and I sat in this car that I loved. Had wanted one for a long time. I even declared to him that one day, I was going to have a car just like that one. Well, a few months later he called me and asked me to come outside to see his new car. Guess what he bought. Yep, that's right. He bought MY car! The car that I wanted. He didn't even like the car when I showed it to him. And, suddenly, there he was with MY car. UGH! And, I guess he thought I was going to be happy to see him driving around in my dream car all the time?? What is wrong with him? I was mad about it every single time I got in that freaking car. He really acted like he liked that car more than he liked me. And, it bothered me a lot. Until, one day I finally wasn't mad anymore. He never accepted that I wasn't mad though. He had the car until about 2 weeks after BD. Then, he traded it in for something COMPLETELY different. Like the complete opposite of that vehicle. I really couldn't understand why in the world he traded it for the new vehicle that he got. Well, not until I saw ow's vehicle. That's when I understood how unfair I had been and how I had hurt him again. He got that car because it's what *I* liked. When he traded it after BD, it was because he traded it for a vehicle just like ow's, because that is what *she* liked. He kept telling me that he got that car because he thought it would make me happy and couldn't understand why I was so mad about it. I thought he was lying and just trying to rub it in my face that he had more money than me. Again, I showed him, right?
It's SO EASY to think you're a good mind reader, but later you may find that they have completely different intentions than what you're thinking. It really made me wonder how many times did I think I knew what he was thinking and why he did something, and I was wrong all along. How many times did he try to get me to come back, only to be met by anger from me. No wonder he finally gave up! If I had known back then what was going on, I would have reacted so differently than I did, and our separation might have been very short lived.
I don't know if that's the case with your XF, but it's food for thought anyway. I mean, what if he's doing all of that BECAUSE IT'S EXACTLY THE THINGS THAT YOU WANTED FROM HIM and he's doing it for YOU instead of doing it to get more $ for cam girls like you assume. He may just be trying to be more attractive to you in the only way he knows how....by doing what he's heard you say you wanted over and over and over again. Just a thought.
Originally Posted By: Rain75
.... asking him to please consider a firm schedule with the kids and remember to make time for them when he is juggling all of these balls in the air.
He took that as an attack. So ended up saying the kids are the most important thing to him and that he would like to see them but I can't control my mouth.
I just said. Well things are different now. You can see them here until you get your new place. I won't chase you out or argue. There no reason to.
? Did he take it as an attack because he's trying to do what you asked him to do in the past, but now all he hears is "That's not good enough" coming from you? That's what my H always used to say to me. I kept insisting that I never told him that, but I didn't, at the time, understand what he was talking about.
Now, don't get me wrong, I'm NOT a huge fan of the way XF is treating you and hurting you, but on the other hand, if he's who you want to be with, then I would hate for a complete misunderstanding (mind reading) to come between you guys and push you farther apart. Of course, I could also be completely wrong about him and he may be trying to get money for cam girls.
Sorry, guess I got long winded again.
M:45 H:48 M:11 No kids BD:Sept'15 EA:Confirmed 1wk later PA: Oct'15 12 '15 2 wk R Just kidding, H wants NC 12 '15 H back w/OW 4 '15 R &still working on it
MB...long winded is ALAWAYS welcome here. And I can see what you're saying about your H. He may have done those things for you, to get your praise and show you that he listens to you and loves you. Your reaction sounds a lot like me...sigh...maybe thats why we're friends. Birds of a feather and all that.
My XF? No. Just. No. I may have (definitely have) handled everything wrong. But my gut has been pretty accurate on all of the BS he has done all along. I wish it wasn't.
