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vise82 #2633991 12/22/15 02:33 PM
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Ask open questions - always a conversation starter.

How is your day going?
Do you think.....
Did you see .....
Have you ....
Do you .....


Me49 W45
T15 M13
S11 S8
BD 11/15/11 & 3/27/12
Moved out 4/9/12 Moved back 4/23/12
W working on US 5/20/12 Now Piecing!
May-Oct14 drifting
Dec 14 W agrees to more QT
BD Oct15 ILYBINILWY
W filed 1/25/16
Fogg #2633995 12/22/15 02:38 PM
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Hey Fogg,

It was a lot of pain and frustration, I could see my W coming back, she agreed to put both our names on the Christmas gift to her family, She has asked that we go out for new years as a family. Then to see her go back and do something that was the turning point to S. It was hard, but I have to look at this like I looked at it a couple moths ago, she is confiding with a gay guy at least that buys me time as normally it cant turn into a PA. Not saying its not possible but highly unlikely, so I continue DBing.

The looking for validation from other people is something that confused me. I am vulnerable and was surprised to see how any attention from women put me in overdrive mentally. I need to keep my distance.

The loving myself first comment is something I haven't thought about. I need to explore that more.

I have gone to two movies by myself. And I have looked into mens groups, there doesn't seem to be a lot of them around. I have a hobby but it hinges on renovating the garage, and its hard to do that when where I am living is not stable right now without a commitment from W to work on the MR.


Me late 30's
W mid 30's
T 15, M 10
S4, S7
ILYBNILWY June 2015
In house S July 2015
W rings off Oct 2015
My ring off Feb 2015
Separate houses June 2016
vise82 #2634001 12/22/15 02:56 PM
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Quote:
Hey Zues126,

I am lonely, I have failed at making friends on my soccer team. I am having a hard time connecting with other people right now. I feel like I am floating around with no where to land. I am going to my W family house for Christmas. I have failed to make a connection with her brother and I feel so disconnected with her family. I potentially lost a promotion because they said I was too quiet and they couldn't see me filling the social part of the new role. I reach out to my female barber as a friend and now she wants nothing to do with me. My dog that I have been training still doesn't listen to me. You would think after a hundred times of stopping and asking the dog to sit, it would just sit on his own now. I cant talk to my family right now. I hug a pillow at night to feel love. I have so many project that I have not finished. I have gifts to give my kids that are not completed. I have money problems on top of money problems. And I am getting rejected and disrespected in my own house by my dear W.



Quote:
I wasn't gong to come back on this forum.


During your M did you act like a victim to try to manipulate your W?

When I read your reply to me it comes across as very controlling, like "I'm sad, my heart is broken, be nice to me and tell me what I want you to tell me, I can't take much more of this". I know this is painful, but it darn sure isn't my fault. We are trying to give you straight advice that you can follow to cut your pain months or years shorter and give you the best chance to achieve your goals. If all you want us to tell you is echo your own thoughts of self pity then you're right, you don't need these forums.

Quote:
How do I over come my dependence on her? When she forcefully rips it out of me along with my heart.


THIS is the right question, and this is where your focus should be.

Take the focus off of your WW, of graphing every move she makes on a chart that shows R on one end and D on the other, watching her every wiggle towards R and getting hopeful, every wiggle towards D and getting depressed, and convincing yourself that the only way you'll be ok in your life is by achieving R, panicking because it's out of your control, then trying to use every pathetic controlling trick in the book to try to influence her back towards the 'R' side.

Instead, GAL. Make new friends. I'd recommend posting quite a lot on other people's threads. See, right now the reason you can't imagine living without your W is because she is the sole source of many of your emotional needs. The reason GAL is so important is that once you start meeting those needs elsewhere (not OW! Just with friends, family, these forums, etc) you won't feel so needy and desperate. A funny thing will happen. Instead of her looking like the golden goose, the only possible source of your happiness...she will instead transform before your very eyes into a regular woman, a woman that is treating you disrespectfully, an addict that is destroying her life and is willing to destroy yours as well if it allows her to feed her addiction and avoid consequences of her behavior.

It may seem backwards to want to see her in this light, you might resist it by trying to hang on to your 'feelings of love'. But really R won't be possible until you have two healthy people. You can't change her, so work on you. I just posted more on this on another thread.

http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubb...996#Post2633996


All your choices. You can step up, rebuild your life, be appreciative for all you've been given, and take responsibility for meeting your needs by doing the work to diversify and strengthen relationships with others that will care for you, keep posting, and become a leader...or you can keep doing the same things and getting the same results, and get angry at those trying to help you change your behavior.

I wouldn't be posting this if I thought you weren't capable of stepping up.


Me:38 XW:38
T:11 years M:8 years
Kids: S14, D11, D7
BD/Move out day: 6/17/14, D final Dec 15
vise82 #2634004 12/22/15 03:00 PM
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Hey,

Last night W worked late and kids were at ILs, The dropped them off at W work. So I picked them up at W work, I made sure I looked my best. W boss was not there. I was hoping she was so that I could blast all the bad stuff she has told her about me out of the water by being nice to her.

I took the kids to pick out a Christmas card for W. While I was out W texts me and says it would be great if I could clean her bathroom. Ok so she wants me to do something for her, so I make it flirty and joke with her via text. I like to think I have some skill with that. While dating we texted all the time. So of course I agreed to it and she agree to watch a movie with me again. She gets home and I put the kids to bed but its to late to watch a movie so we agree to try another time. Now my W turns me on, and when it get like this all light and breezy, I am turned on even more so. Now I don't want to pressure her so I try and take maters in my own hands when she is not around but its having the opposite effect, its increasing my drive. Its affecting my sleep and I am waking up calling out for W. She hasn't said anything to me at this point about it so I am not sure if she hears it. I am worried that she might turn this around on me and say that I am making it uncomfortable for her to be in the house when I am sleeping like that.

I will just have to take one day at a time.


Me late 30's
W mid 30's
T 15, M 10
S4, S7
ILYBNILWY June 2015
In house S July 2015
W rings off Oct 2015
My ring off Feb 2015
Separate houses June 2016
vise82 #2634044 12/22/15 04:46 PM
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You continue to comfort yourself by thinking he is gay. It does not matter! To men, having a PA is the critical issue, b/c it's her giving her body. For women, it's the EA, b/c that involves the heart & soul.


It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
Zues126 #2634051 12/22/15 05:01 PM
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Hey Zues,

In my MR my W put down my ideas and pushed her way of how things were going to go to the point that I questioned myself. I lost all confidence and just gave up. It was a success for me to get up and get to work and keep my job. I just gave up on everything else and put it in her hands to fail or succeed. She wanted everything done her way so I let her do it. I got to the point where I thought she must know more then me she must be smarter. She crushed me and isolated me from my friends and family. I was no longer the go getting race car driving, rental property owner, confident guy she knew.

So in a way I was a victim but I just accepted it. I couldn't see my life better any other way. I was manipulative when it came to sex. Other than that I would say no.

I was having a pity party. I was frustrated when I wrote it. It wasn't personal to you. I was tired of chronicling the W actions and if I was getting closer to D or R.

At one point, after a couple of months with out sex I would see my W for who she was right now. At times I question why I was even fighting to be with her. At a couple of points in time she was repulsive to me. Now the pendulum Is swinging the other way and I am finding myself wanting to be with her. and I am finding her more attractive.

This is a journey of ups and downs, when I wrote that I was very down and I must say what got me out of it was my GAL soccer.


Me late 30's
W mid 30's
T 15, M 10
S4, S7
ILYBNILWY June 2015
In house S July 2015
W rings off Oct 2015
My ring off Feb 2015
Separate houses June 2016
sandi2 #2634070 12/22/15 06:46 PM
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Hey Sandi,

He is gay. Is it no different then my W talking to her best friend girlfriend? The problem is W and I relationship, she is giving him her best and me the rest. I have put pressure on her in the summer about it but with being separated I am surprised she listens to me. That pressure has caused them to back off each other. During a wedding she went to, the focus was off the gay guy and onto OM. Even though the gay OM is not ideal at least it can go anywhere and any lusting is one sided. I have read texts that said she wished he wasn't gay.

But like what is said on this forum actions peak louder then words and from what I know W has not acted on any of her lusting of OM. This is why I feel better that he is gay. I hope that makes sense.


Me late 30's
W mid 30's
T 15, M 10
S4, S7
ILYBNILWY June 2015
In house S July 2015
W rings off Oct 2015
My ring off Feb 2015
Separate houses June 2016
vise82 #2634283 12/23/15 12:48 PM
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Hey,

I notice W is talking to me more but with that she is asking me to do stuff for her. I am not sure how to take it. Yesterday She wanted me to pick up OJ for her. I was going out so I agreed. I took the kids to a store to get some stuff. We all walked and it was a fun time.

I guess my problem is I don't fully trust my W right now, that she might be using me or manipulating me.

We all watched a movie together, W idea, but I left for Dog training in the middle of the movie. W was surprised by that even though I told her on Sunday about it. I came back as it was the wrong day its next week.

I put the kids to bed then W and I watched a movie together. She was working on setting up a gift for the kids and was getting frustrated, the dog was getting her frustrated also. Then she hands me the remote and tell me to watch what ever I wanted, I said the movie is not done yet so I watch the rest of it. W stayed and watched the rest of the movie as well. This is the second time that she agrees to watching a movie together but is just not there enjoying it. I guess she is struggling with having me in the room with her.

One day at a time.


Me late 30's
W mid 30's
T 15, M 10
S4, S7
ILYBNILWY June 2015
In house S July 2015
W rings off Oct 2015
My ring off Feb 2015
Separate houses June 2016
vise82 #2634319 12/23/15 02:26 PM
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Posts: 18,666
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Quote:
He is gay. Is it no different then my W talking to her best friend girlfriend? The problem is W and I relationship, she is giving him her best and me the rest.


Well, he may be gay.........but she's not. Do you not see? For him, it may be like two girlfriends sharing, but for her........she sees him in another light. In fact, some women would be attracted, simply b/c they would see it as a challenge.

What I have been trying to tell you is that you seem to think there is no danger b/c the OM is gay. It's not about him. It is about your WW. And, if/when the gay neighbor rejects her, she'll be looking for OM #2.

The problem was in the M, before the neighbor ever moved next door. It just magnified after he became friends with your W.


It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
sandi2 #2634399 12/23/15 06:30 PM
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vise82 Offline OP
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Hey Sandi,

Thank you for checking in.

New thread:

New thread link


Me late 30's
W mid 30's
T 15, M 10
S4, S7
ILYBNILWY June 2015
In house S July 2015
W rings off Oct 2015
My ring off Feb 2015
Separate houses June 2016
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