Here is my first draft of my No Contact letter...PLEASE feel free to contribute. I have one chance to get this right.
"H, I'm really sorry. I need to institute a No Contact rule between us. Your actions are literally breaking my heart. I realized the last time I tried to talk to you about it, I was basically begging you to have some integrity.
Integrity is something you either have, or don't have. A person willing to cause such emotional harm to the children he professes to love, while attempting to throw their ill mother out to the curb so that he can carry on an affair in peace? That is not even in the running for integrity.
I want no contact with you. If you need to contact me for any reason, you can send a message via e-mail. If there is an emergency, you can have one of the kids get hold of me. I will do my best to stay out of your sight from now on. You've lost all rights to me.
Until you end your affair and sincerely apologize for all the harm you've caused, I have no desire to see you or speak with you. I am committed to doing whatever we need in order to help our children be happy adults, short of putting up with such blatant disrespect and contempt from you. I'm willing to seek counseling and work on the marriage, but only if it's between the two of us, alone. I have zero interest in an open marriage.
You'd prefer to pretend the children will be fine. I intend to protect both them and myself to the best of my ability. I'm sorry you don't love them enough to be a man of character. I love them enough to change in the ways they need from me, and am working to do so.
I will keep you in my prayers.
W"
Suggestions? Comments?
No.
This is not supposed to be an opportunity to bash your husband. It's supposed to be clearly indicating you love him, optionally apologizing for whatever role you might have played in the demise of your marriage (cleaning up your side of the street) and how you remain interested in reconciliation but his behavior has devastated you and you can't/won't take it anymore and need to distance yourself until he ends his affair along with directions on how he is to proceed communicating with you preferably through an intermediary (particularly if you have children under 18 - Also google and read state parallel parenting guidelines and information. In high conflict divorce it is preferable Parents don't have to communicate to be
It usually takes time for it to sink in and many wayward spouses in their entitlement and denial think you don't mean it, but in time and after consistently removing yourself from their personal and emotional presence they begin to go through withdrawal and find themselves missing their marriage, you and their family. If they try to break "no contact" by, for example, sending you a message through Facebook from a fake account, you just copy and paste this letter to them again. They'll usually end up with multiple copies of it and they slowly start to focus on the significance of the words. Affairs are miserable places to be. As long as you remain in contact with them they can project all their anger and misery onto you. Then when you react (projection identification) and return anger with anger you become the projection and you thereby enable to addiction - you stay in the villain role, OW remains the hero. When you remove yourself - and what little they hear about you is you GAL'ing while they remain in a miserable affair they are left only with your parting words - "I love you, come home, I'll willing to try but only if you end your relationship with that other woman FIRST". What you've given yourself is PEACE. You are no longer the Coyote chasing road runner getting hit over the head by his anvil or running into brick walls. What you've given him is a reset button. It can all MAYBE go back to normal if you just push this button (dump the OW) and come home.
Back in a bit with a sample note.
The internet is 90% complaining and entitlement and I hate it because I deserve better!
Why is there a need to even send anything In writing?
When you write anything to him that is expressing your frusturations or anger or sadness It shows you still care and are still attached and you are still trying to get some attention from him. I feel like he knows you want to reconcile so why tell him again in a letter. It just gives him more power right? d I think the biggest way to hurt someone is to just ignore them. Address them politely with short words answers when you absolutely have to and probabldy only if you have small kids or urgent business. Or refer them to lawyer. Or just don't respond. Those actions will Demonstrate everything your letter says. And I think men dget actions more then words. They already know what they didd, so telling them is just clinging and trying to get your point across.
Couldn't you have a lawyer write the letter instead? More formal and distant and then noddd confusion about plans.
More importantly... Ancaire, if you are seeking order of protection and then putting In writing that you wish to go to counseling and are willing to make things work if he drops other woman, your allegations might not be taken seriously. Just leave him alone right now. Avoid him at all costs by whatever means necessary.
Edit - Please start a new thread - Cadet
Last edited by Cadet; 12/14/1507:40 PM.
Me: 42 H: 43 Twins age 5 Physically Separated 7/2015
I so appreciated everyone's input and opinions. I am a thinker slow to act I must think and rethink and ponder so the more information I can read the better.
