Remember, he is a master manipulator and cake eater. Don't bite. He is, in my opinion, again looking to you to ease this discomfort. Read Job's post, then read it again. He isn't being considerate of your feelings here, he is looking to make things feel better on his end.
You told him your truth... That's all. He is a grown man, even though he may not act like it.
"You know, it's times like these when I realize what a superhero I am." Tony Stark/Iron Man
“Focus on what you can do, then do it with all your heart.” Lois Wilson
Hi Mleigh - Regarding the issue of you feeling like you snapped at H, the message you related to him is healthy and honest. Don't be too hard on yourself there. It's a healthy boundary you set.
If, in hindsight, you still feel you were too snippy, maybe look for ways to improve that for you! One thing I am still working on is sleeping on things. This is still very hard for me to master. However, everytime I have exhibited that patience I felt more comfortable with my response than what my initial reaction was. Maybe, eventually I will be able to eliminate this delay in response with practice.
You are doing really well! Keep it up.
Me 41, H 47, M 15 yrs, S11, S13 BD 1: 11/4/14 we work on it; really I pretzel myself BD 2: 3/31/15 H goes down to "dorm room" 8/15: H back to MBR 10/15: H back in dorm room 1/18: H files, now divorced
boy do I know what you mean re gifts -- bear in mind I have about a week of your posts to catch up on so forgive me if this is out of whack ... Here's what I did: book some candy treats that he loves will also bake him some of his favorite cookies
does that help?
Last edited by bttrfly; 12/19/1510:42 PM.
M 20+ T25+ S ~15.5 (BD) BD 4/6/15 D 12/23/16
"Someone I loved once gave me A box full of darkness. It took me years to understand, That this too, was a gift." ~ Mary Oliver
Yeah job as always is spot on, my W was/is the master at pulling the sympathy strings, again these are their choices. Last year I would get calls and texts at 1,2,3 in the morning... Like you there was one that was just seriously strange, I had S at my place and she called around 11 about life insurance ... Ya know like anything could be done at 11 at night about that, was more like she was reaching out in a way... Cake eating/temp checking and processing and yup... Next day was like nothing happened and back in the tunnel she went You are doing well, this dance are doing is very hard... When to be the lighthouse, when to be firm, when to love from a distance and when to show the way home is available but doing so without pursuing .... I laugh typing this thinking I'm far more nuts and scrambled than she could ever be.
He has to still process, and the Holidays bring pressure all by themselves, we know the MLCr does not handle pressure very well ... For us it's hard to know what to do with every situation that arrives, I've concluded personally there is not a chance to navigate this without mistakes, but I know there isn't one misstep that will blow it all up. Just keep going, you've done this dance far better than most.
ok I'm all caught up now. scratch the book --- scratch the gift advice.
re: the cake eating ... listen to Job and Cali and all the other wise ones here. I think it's perfectly ok to set a limit. For me, I feel like a B when there's a certain ... "edge" for lack of a better word? to my boundary. It's not anger, because healthy anger is ok ... it's the edge of either passive aggressiveness or outright vindictiveness ... maybe treating them the way they treat us? that makes me feel bad about my actions. So, I really like Ha's advice about sleeping on it. I don't know about you, but that's a real challenge for me because I'm so used to jumping immediately when H calls -- that's what I've done for 26 years --- hard to change that overnight. When I take that step back and wait, respond vs. react, good things happen and I feel much better about myself, so that's the best advice I can share. Hope it helps!
... i too have serious abandonment issues. the good news is, HEY - this is my biggest fear yet somehow I"m not dead yet from this, so maybe there's a cosmic plan. who knows.
anyway, keep posting. know that we are all here for you. xoxoxoxoxo
M 20+ T25+ S ~15.5 (BD) BD 4/6/15 D 12/23/16
"Someone I loved once gave me A box full of darkness. It took me years to understand, That this too, was a gift." ~ Mary Oliver
I read Jobs post, all of your posts several times.
As I mentioned, I am giving homemade cookies as gifts this year to many. So yesterday I started my baking. THIS time I was very careful and no ingredients got missed! So I did 2 batches yesterday and doing one more today. About 150 cookies to give out!
As I was getting ready to go look at lights with S and friends last night, I was very pulled to reach out to H. I had told him I would let him know our plans...I decided not to. We drove around, saw some good houses, but S and his friend complained most of the time, they just wanted to go back home to hang out! We may need a new plan for next year. So, S buddy came back with us and slept over.
My friends also stopped by for a bit. They sampled the cookies for me, I got approval
All in all, having a very nice weekend. Expecting more rain and feeling really tired. These days have been busy so I plan on doing some down time today. I have some outside furniture to put away, this El Nino stuff has me a little nervous about handling the house on my own. So I want to get the yard and house as prepared as I can.
Thanks again for all your input and Happy Sunday.
Me 48 H 46 S 11 M 2004 BD 8/13 H moved out 2/15 -live in the present, enjoy the beauty around and within you, explore your new future-
You guys are not kidding about the whole memory loss thing! H had bought a bunch of see's candy for S school fundraiser. I gave it to him almost 2 weeks ago. He TM today asking if he could pick it up. I told him, silly Willy, I gave it to him a while ago. I suggested he look in his truck because when he took it, it was in the truck and dog had jumped in and we were worried she scratched up the wrapping on the candy. He then remembered and said it must be in there still. How did he not see it for 2 weeks?? Does he not go anywhere much? Well, I guess a good sign that he isn't driving a date around! Lol
Sunday night FIL TM that he had gotten a prime rib and asked if I wanted it. FIL does this often, he is very giving, knows I like making Prime Rib on Christmas. So I told him that H is in charge of getting prime rib to check with him. About 1/2 hour later, H TM that FIL offered a prime rib, but that he declined, wants to get himself. Then asked how many pounds, and if that was still the plan....seems what I said must have made him unsure about the Christmas plans.
I told him his plan sounds good to me if good to him. He said ok, sounds good.
Monday night dropped off S to H. It was pouring. Since I don't go inside his house, we were chatting outside while I held an umbrella over us. I left and came across a lady stuck in the mud around the corner from his house. I called H, he and S came to the rescue and towed her out. Gotta say, H always comes through for that kind of stuff. It was great for S to see H be such a hero. S was mesmerized watching him in action
Christmas shopping is done, presents wrapped! I even got gifts for MIL and FIL. I ended up getting H a golf gift certificate, picture frame with pic of he and S, and a target game for him and son. We also secretly stuff stockings for each other. Not sure if that will happen this year, but I got him some good coffee, a coffee tumbler, his favorite candy and a guy magazine. I feel good with that.
Work is ridiculously busy, so the days are going quickly. I am a little nervous about Christmas day with H, but I keep thinking of AJ telling me to just enjoy it. So that is the plan!
Me 48 H 46 S 11 M 2004 BD 8/13 H moved out 2/15 -live in the present, enjoy the beauty around and within you, explore your new future-
Hi Mleigh - lucky it has not been hot enough for all those chocolates to melt! The memory problems are astounding, truly.
As for being nervous, one thing that helps me is to focus on making it a nice day for my kids. Maybe this will help ease things?
That is really special that your son saw his dad be a superhero! And it was sweet of your H to help.
I like the gifts you chose for your H, too!
Have a Merry Christmas Mleigh.
Me 41, H 47, M 15 yrs, S11, S13 BD 1: 11/4/14 we work on it; really I pretzel myself BD 2: 3/31/15 H goes down to "dorm room" 8/15: H back to MBR 10/15: H back in dorm room 1/18: H files, now divorced
