We all have those moments of backsliding/weakness. We're human, Irish. But as you detach and watch, be mindful of your D's feelings more than your W's. Your W needs to take care of her own. She has a lot to learn and there's only one school that can properly teach her - the school of hard knocks. If you short circuit that, things won't be fixable nor good. She must learn to deal with things on her own. No way around that.
What you can do is help your D's. You can help yourself. For the latter, you should become your own best friend. And every time you think to do such a thing, ask yourself what you would tell your best friend if you were asked.
And act on that advice. Take those feelings out of it and listen to your good judgement. The rest will take care of itself. Just note that the feelings will come and go for a while. They do that.
And try not to read into the message. I'm sure it won't be long before the other shoe drops, so to speak as she struggles with her choices.
For what it's worth, I saw similar. I eventually referred to it as "postcards from the other side". It was eerie. I can tell you that my ex missed her family. How do I know? She almost immediately re-married and tried to create that same family with the new H (OM). Burdening the kids with all kinds of things that I won't even go into. Suffice to say, she tried for years to hurt and manipulate etc. Eventually her H joined in (overtly?). All the while, ex communicated as if somebody else. I didn't even recognize the writing style. Years later, she was able to construct full sentences again and sounded more like a person.
My point is that what you see in a point in time is just that. A point in time. Sometimes a glimpse and sometimes a monster. It's part of the process, Irish. They must hit bottom to be able to finish the trip. Did mine? Doubtful, but I stopped watching that train wreck, so I don't really know. I just know that I wouldn't trade places. As for the kids? They're mostly fine. I made sure to shield them as much as I could. They're adults now and have a relationship of sorts with their mother. That's for them to work out though. If I were to get involved, it would muddy the waters and make things unauthentic. Know what I mean?
Guide your D's, but stay out of it otherwise as much as you can. The old W is no longer. Not at this time at least. Even if she shows a glimpse here and there of what she was like. Those are more or less ghost images while the new her is baking (whatever that turns out to be.)
Give your D's and yourself the gift of distance this Christmas. Be your best friend. And be the father the D's deserve to have. If you can do those things, you'll be more than ok. Without a doubt.
AJ
P.S. What's life like later? I was helping a friend propose to his GF after he went through similar years ago. While I was doing that, the other guy (went through similar with his wife years ago and is friends with my ex and her H)I was working with was on the phone helping a friend that is going through what you are going through. Life is a strange thing, no?
"Our lives begin to end the day we become silent about things that matter" MLK Put the glass down... "Yesterday I was clever so I wanted to change the world Today I am wise, so I am changing myself."
You are getting some great perspective Irish. As a woman I was always raised to be polite and be selfless. These are wonderful virtues but I see now how those same qualities may not have served me well in my own life. Allowing your D's to have their own voice is very empowering and respectful. Your W's actions are not acceptable to them and they have a right to feel what they feel.
You are doing a great job and as long as your actions are motivated by maturity, compassion and respect then you are on the right path. If your daughters can truly see that is how you are navigating this situation then they will respect you and love you.
My D's do not want contact with their father right now. I am proud they are able to understand that they deserve to be treated with respect. I respect their choice to go no contact. The man I married would be proud as well.
That being said I have told my girls that love and redemption come in many forms. Sometimes it takes years to connect again and sometimes the connection never happens. Even if we are disappointed in their actions and need to detach - we can still love them. I told my D's I have their back and support whatever choices they make re: a relationship with their Dad.
I also explained that this was my position for the rest of their lives. If 10 years from now my D's suddenly wanted to invite us both to Christmas dinner then I'd be okay. I would handle it because my love and respect for them is unconditional. I have encouraged them to advocate for themselves but to try not to bolt the door to the future.
Of course having H so far away makes it easier. My heart breaks for your girls knowing W is close by yet emotionally disjointed. I am glad you are committed to helping them emotionally and being that stable force. You are giving them the tools to thrive Irish. Stay strong.
M:25 years at BD w/ 2 daughters BD: 5/14 Separated 6/14 - H moved cross country w/OW D Final 9/17
“I can be changed by what happens to me. But I refuse to be reduced by it.” ― Maya Angelou
Irish, I’ve been following you threads for some time. You have a great support group and great posts.
I can’t even imagine what it’s like to have two teenage girls who have been very hurt by their Mom’s actions and abandonment. I can’t also imagine a mother would do this to her children.
You are lucky that you have your extended family and it was always a part of the tradition, so you and your D’s don’t have to change anything.
Irish, you are doing a great job, being strong for your girls. I don’t remember if you mentioned of some kind of therapy for the girls. It might be very helpful if they can also talk to somebody who is neutral and not a family. Hang in there.
M:50 H:52 S28 (my S from previous marriage) M:17 + 3 BD: 06/12 S: 06/12 - H works in another state
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
M51 XW43 (38 at bd) BD1 MAY 30 2015 BD2 JUNE 25 2015 by text moved out Aug 2 2015 left both Daughters 13 and 15 (now 18-20) Her divorce Final July 26 2016 Last time she saw her kids Aug 2 2015
