Something must change

[overhol]

My question would be, is she putting forth any effort to heal? Going to therapy, group sessions, Church, Pastoral counseling, reading books on healing, etc. If you see her trying, then you have to continue being patient with her.

She's putting in no effort, as far as I can tell. Her own personal-healing seems to be dependent upon me pushing couple-healing. She doesn't seem to understand these things are different.

Do you actually make out a check every month and mail it, or it drafted automatically? Does this OW live in the same area as you & your W? If so, that's not at all good.

It's direct deposit so that's at least easy. We live in the same large city. We can't move for many reasons, otherwise I would.

Had you and your W gone back together before, or after, she knew about the baby?

I disclosed the affair at the same time as the OW's pregnancy. W and I did counseling right away (but W considered it "couples" counseling, not necessarily to stay married, so she never really bought in).

Is your W trying to get help to deal with this situation?

No.

Sometimes, a couple has to have distance and time away from each other before they can live together. Using that period of time for each of them to heal separately. Then they have to heal as a couple. Before you throw in the towel, why not consider that route?

I'm just really fearful of separating. I've heard too often that separation is just the precursor to divorce. And tough on the kids.

[sandi2]

I'm just really fearful of separating. I've heard too often that separation is just the precursor to divorce. And tough on the kids.

That's not necessarily true. In fact, most of the successful stories I am remembering , separated before things got better.

Would S be any worse than what your kids are exposed to now?

Not pushing you, just explaining.

[mahhhty]

overhol - for validation of what Sandi stated, check out Squiggy's threads. He drew some hard boundaries in the face of an affair and is now reconciling.

[mvgfwd2]

Wow! After the "full" disclosure I can tell you are far from being truly remorseful about anything. And I think your W feels that way too. Sounds to me like you are the one that just wants her to suck it up and let you off the hook. Actually calling her ugly names and the FU bomb! OMG, you have to stop that garbage now. 3 years while doing all the things you said AND YOU have the nerve to act like she's the problem. Just Wow!