in house seperation 2

[RAI]

Now I know and I am in a holding pattern, not sure what to do. Just waiting for the next manipulation.

Stop waiting for the next manipulation and start living. In fairness, I also feel like I am in "the waiting place" (from the Dr. Seuss book "Oh, The Places You'll Go" - a must read). I have started moving forward with the D, but here I am, under the same roof, in the same sitch. Waiting for the next meeting with the Ls. I suppose we should use this time wisely to improve ourselves. I think I am in a little bit of a funk now that my marathon is over. Training for it was a great GAL activity. What is the end point for you? Has your W asked for D? physical S? I don't recall reading what your mid-to-long-range goals are. I would like D ASAP. This is taking a lot out of me.

There will definitely be more craziness from your W, but you can choose to NOT make it the center of your life.

RAI

[vise82]

Hey RAI

Tonight W asked for another check and gave me a list of bills that were paid and one that wasn't yet. I asked about it and she started to argue saying why do I have to turn every conversation in to an argument, we should be able to talk like normal people. she was crying. She said that she is the mother of my children why am I not talking to her? Why am I so rude to her?

I said little and just said I want to be more involved with paying bills. She said she is short on money and me paying for my half now means that she will have some money not tied up till I pay. She also got really angry and said if I am going to question every bill then she is going to have the separation agreement ready this weekend.

I did not engage. let her talk then she stopped.

I couldn't believe what was coming out of her. Trying to squeeze money out of me a couple of day early wont last long as eventually she will be out of money if she keeps that up.

[Fogg]

It's obvious to see the manipulation with the separation agreement and her being the mother of your children but lets look at the other parts.

From her perspective is the any truth to you being rude and not talking to her?

When you asked about the unpaid bill how did you ask?

When you said you did not engage does that mean you just listened, did you validate anything, did you just stare at her in silence, etc?

If it's a shared bill and most were already paid by her and needing reimbursement how would it be squeezing money out of you to get 1 early?

[vise82]

Hey fogg,
Me being rude, she is talking about a reply to a text she sent me. I asked her to not text me at work anymore unless it an emergency.
I am going dark with her while at work.

Yes she did all the talking and i said nothing. didnt know how to validate. I was
going through bills and asking questions, i wasnt going to take her word for anything.
You can see by me doing this the dynamic has changed.

She mentioned having no money for the week end if i didnt pay two large bills in advance of her paying it. I wanted her to pay first and then i pay for my half. I also wanted to be sure she doesnt take my payment then use a ctedit card to pay

I cant do that withh out asking questions.

[vise82]

So I started to be nice texting her back and she tells me she is going to her friends dress fitting tonight for a wedding that is in a couple of weeks. pure lie. Plus she already used that excuse a month ago. I am just sick of this. I cant caller out on it because she will just continue the lie.

I know that I am not to let her or what she does affect my mood, but give me a break, I know there are a lot of fish in the sea that would treat me better then she does.

I know I started this DB to keep the family together , to help me get over what was happening and so that I can say to my kids that I tried every thing. I need to remember that and keep my head straight.

[RAI]

So I started to be nice texting her back

Not sure what you mean "nice". texting about what? why are you texting her? Can you clarify?

RAI

[Zephyr]

So I started to be nice texting her back and she tells me she is going to her friends dress fitting tonight for a wedding that is in a couple of weeks. pure lie. Plus she already used that excuse a month ago. I am just sick of this. I cant caller out on it because she will just continue the lie.

I know that I am not to let her or what she does affect my mood, but give me a break, I know there are a lot of fish in the sea that would treat me better then she does.

When Are YOU going to start treating YOURSELF better? Please stop trying to engage your wife. If she is going to do what she wants, you need to have the self respect to stop enabling her. You ask her questions you know she is going to lie about....why ask, why make the conversation with her at all that isn't about necessities (groceries, whatever).

If you ask her a question that she will be lying about...all it will do is strengthen her disrespect for you - that is not the right direction for YOU. you are worried about being nice to her and she is worried about...well whatever she wants - and right now it is not you.

If she is going out to do whatever...YOU MAKE THE BEST OF YOUR NIGHT. Don't give her a second thought because it will only cause YOU harm, I guarantee she will not feel bad if you are at home upset or pouting or worrying about what she is up to.

this is not easy. First you need to start thinking about what dignity is and what it really means if you have no self-respect or dignity left in your soul. Read about it, think about it and go and find it. Once you realize that you have allowed it to be stripped from you, you will want to take it back - Boundaries will be easier to put into place and enforce once you have a voice...and you need boundaries

I know I started this DB to keep the family together , to help me get over what was happening and so that I can say to my kids that I tried every thing. I need to remember that and keep my head straight.

[vise82]

thanks RAI and Zephyr,

the feed back helps more then you think

new thread