I did tell H about my father. Tried calling him 3 different times via Skype, but, per usual pattern lately, he was "out" Mind you, he made it a point to emphasize to me he has Skype on his phone, however, lately, he changes the status to "away" and is unavailable.
Lately, when the kids try calling, or I call, he says "I don't have any missed calls. Maybe it isn't working." YET, we can see online when he quickly "checks in" as he changes the status to "online" and then quickly changes it back to "away" I figure he must just be checking it to see our messages but not respond. Perhaps it's b/c he's with OW or maybe he's just distancing himself more and more. idk. OW thoughts plague me at times like that. I have to work very hard to divert my thoughts away
Anyway, I typed a simple message "Can't reach you by phone. Just want to let you know my Dad is in the hospital." I saw him change his status to "online" and then click off again. No response. This was Tuesday night.
Then, yesterday morning, he gave me a quick call from his cell. But he's very distant. Not too concerned about Dad. H is referring to him has "Your Father." Very formal, detached way for him. I don't recall him referring to my Dad as "father" since we met 21 years ago. He's always been my Dad.
In some ways, I wish I didn't talk to H at all. This hurts. It hurts to not have his support. It hurts to hear him refer to my Dad as almost a stranger. He's not going to call my Dad. He said "Well, tell everyone I say hi."
The times we do talk are getting further and further between and H is cutting them shorter and shorter.
I'm not so sure I can keep this up. I'm only 2 months in since BD and who knows how long since his MLC actually started. But he's away, in another country, living another life. And I'm still stuck here alone with all of the burdens and I'm feeling like there's no hope.
I finally had my own scans done yesterday. Didn't get a good vibe from the technician, but that could just be my paranoid state since so many things are crashing down around me right now. Thinking about the possible results of this scan - well, I guess scary b/c of the unknown. I hope my doctor calls me before next week, otherwise it's going to be a long weekend.
M 43 H 48 M 19y T 20y D 14 S 12 H returned home from out of country 8/8/15 BD 8/11/15 EA Began end of June/beginning of July 2015; ongoing PA H denies ILYBINILWY
YET, we can see online when he quickly "checks in" as he changes the status to "online" and then quickly changes it back to "away"
Is there a way you can stop yourself from checking this? If you couldnt see his status, you wouldnt get hurt by this behavior. There is no way to know what his reasons are, but you are mind reading to find the worst one.
Originally Posted By: Lost08
In some ways, I wish I didn't talk to H at all. This hurts. It hurts to not have his support. It hurts to hear him refer to my Dad as almost a stranger. He's not going to call my Dad. He said "Well, tell everyone I say hi."
So how do you start to detach from him? How do you stop calling him and let him call you if he wants?
Originally Posted By: Lost08
I'm still stuck here alone with all of the burdens and I'm feeling like there's no hope.
So how do you get unstuck....I'll give you a hint....It starts with a "G"....
Originally Posted By: Lost08
I finally had my own scans done yesterday. Didn't get a good vibe from the technician, but that could just be my paranoid state since so many things are crashing down around me right now. Thinking about the possible results of this scan - well, I guess scary b/c of the unknown. I hope my doctor calls me before next week, otherwise it's going to be a long weekend.
Not positive whats going on with you health wise, but I am certainly hoping for the best for both you and your dad.
Lost you did the right thing telling him. What he does with the information is his choice. I think not talking to him now is what I would chose to do. His behavior to you and your father is telling. I would let him stew in his own juices for a while.
[quote=Lost08] YET, we can see online when he quickly "checks in" as he changes the status to "online" and then quickly changes it back to "away"
Is there a way you can stop yourself from checking this? If you couldnt see his status, you wouldnt get hurt by this behavior. There is no way to know what his reasons are, but you are mind reading to find the worst one. I guess maybe stronger willpower?? Oh, I am not strong enough for this.
Originally Posted By: Lost08
In some ways, I wish I didn't talk to H at all. This hurts. It hurts to not have his support. It hurts to hear him refer to my Dad as almost a stranger. He's not going to call my Dad. He said "Well, tell everyone I say hi."
So how do you start to detach from him? How do you stop calling him and let him call you if he wants? Well, I called him about my Dad. The other calls have been the kids using Skype to call him or H calling my cell phone b/c he needs something or wants to check on me or the kids. I don't call him anymore. My son will usually ask if H wants to talk to me or he'll come and get me to ask if I am going to talk to H. Then I feel backed into a corner because my S has NO IDEA about what is going on, plus, TBH, there's still that part of me that wants to see H's face and hear his voice. So, I sometimes I cave and say hello. There have been many times over the course of the last few weeks that I have tried avoiding this situation (ie I've gone to bed, the bathroom, to the store) but my son sometimes waits for me and the apartment is so small, H can hear everything that's said. So, again, I feel as if I have to respond.
Originally Posted By: Lost08
I'm still stuck here alone with all of the burdens and I'm feeling like there's no hope.
So how do you get unstuck....I'll give you a hint....It starts with a "G".... Oh, you and that "G" word!!! grrr. LOL Azz, you know how I much trouble I have with them? In DR, there are many examples of goals for the R. But how can I have any goals pertaining to any R, right? So, they're supposed to be about me? What can I realistically fit in? I did make a start, but I'm not getting very far. This is such a fuzzy area for me. Or maybe it's the procrastinator in me!?! B/C I really have no idea how to do this and do it well. Goal #1 I make my bed everyday now. One goal being consistently met. Simple, but I felt it was something. Goal #2 I made plans to begin going to a yoga class one night a week even though it means MORE time my kids are alone which equals more stress in dealing with the homework they didn't do and the dinner they didn't eat. My first class would have been last week, but my Dad was hospitalized and I needed to be there. The kids came home from school on a late bus to notes I had left for them with instructions for leftovers. Guess what? My son ate Cheese-Its crackers for dinner!! And then complained at 9pm that he was hungry. Goal #3? Maybe it should be DO NOT look at Skype? This one is tricky because it's on my PC in the apartment which is MY only access to the internet (other than at the library.) So, when I want to get online to the forums for support and research, it's always in my face. The Skype icon RIGHT IN FRONT OF ME. ugh. The only way I know to remove it is to log out and then I have to log in every single time over and over again for the kids to have access. I haven't wanted to do that. hmm. Food for thought, I guess.
Can't I just hire you to develop goals for me??? I DO NOT like this.
I will not discuss the weekend yet as it was another difficult and emotionally draining time. Maybe I'll have the energy later.
I hope you are well.
M 43 H 48 M 19y T 20y D 14 S 12 H returned home from out of country 8/8/15 BD 8/11/15 EA Began end of June/beginning of July 2015; ongoing PA H denies ILYBINILWY
[quote=Lost08] YET, we can see online when he quickly "checks in" as he changes the status to "online" and then quickly changes it back to "away"
Is there a way you can stop yourself from checking this? If you couldnt see his status, you wouldnt get hurt by this behavior. There is no way to know what his reasons are, but you are mind reading to find the worst one. I guess maybe stronger willpower?? Oh, I am not strong enough for this. I mean, is there a way to hide his status? Some sortof toggle switch in the program or something? Otherwise, what can you do to stop going in to the program otherwise? You know that all it will do is hurt you, right?
I remember with my W, Id send her a text, then go check FB to see when she was last online. I would know that she was able to talk to OM or dink around on her phone, but wasnt answering my message. Eventually, after getting hurt enough, I just stopped looking.
Originally Posted By: Lost08
In some ways, I wish I didn't talk to H at all. This hurts. It hurts to not have his support. It hurts to hear him refer to my Dad as almost a stranger. He's not going to call my Dad. He said "Well, tell everyone I say hi."
So how do you start to detach from him? How do you stop calling him and let him call you if he wants? Well, I called him about my Dad. The other calls have been the kids using Skype to call him or H calling my cell phone b/c he needs something or wants to check on me or the kids. I don't call him anymore. My son will usually ask if H wants to talk to me or he'll come and get me to ask if I am going to talk to H. Then I feel backed into a corner because my S has NO IDEA about what is going on, plus, TBH, there's still that part of me that wants to see H's face and hear his voice. So, I sometimes I cave and say hello. There have been many times over the course of the last few weeks that I have tried avoiding this situation (ie I've gone to bed, the bathroom, to the store) but my son sometimes waits for me and the apartment is so small, H can hear everything that's said. So, again, I feel as if I have to respond. You can only do so much. It sounds like youre on the right track.
Originally Posted By: Lost08
I'm still stuck here alone with all of the burdens and I'm feeling like there's no hope.
So how do you get unstuck....I'll give you a hint....It starts with a "G".... Oh, you and that "G" word!!! grrr. LOL Azz, you know how I much trouble I have with them? In DR, there are many examples of goals for the R. But how can I have any goals pertaining to any R, right? So, they're supposed to be about me? Right. Most of the examples in DR are more like "mile markers" so that you can measure the effect of your changes and your growth. You cant really set "H will say I love you" as a goal, because you cant really control whether he says it, you know?
What can I realistically fit in? Not all of your goals need to be about getting out and doing things. What about your behaviors. Your confidence. Your mindset. Your energy. Your parenting. How can you instill changes in yourself in these areas?
I did make a start, but I'm not getting very far. This is such a fuzzy area for me. Or maybe it's the procrastinator in me!?! B/C I really have no idea how to do this and do it well. In my job, we make a lot of presentations, and a lot of times, my boss will ask me to put something together for her. A lot of times, she doesnt know exactly what she wants it to look like, but she will have me make something, just so she can get some ideas out there and then tweak them. Thats kind of how I feel about this. If its hard to make a list, just get SOMETHING out there. Then you can look at it, reflect, get support, and revise it. Treat it like a living document rather than a strict to-do list.
Goal #1 I make my bed everyday now. One goal being consistently met. Simple, but I felt it was something. It IS something. It teaches you discipline. It helps keep your room and therefore your life in order. In balance. Dont discount it!
Goal #2 I made plans to begin going to a yoga class one night a week even though it means MORE time my kids are alone which equals more stress in dealing with the homework they didn't do and the dinner they didn't eat. My first class would have been last week, but my Dad was hospitalized and I needed to be there. The kids came home from school on a late bus to notes I had left for them with instructions for leftovers. Guess what? My son ate Cheese-Its crackers for dinner!! And then complained at 9pm that he was hungry.[/color] I know its tough. And with your dad being what it is, some of this may have to wait. But you should see what you can do to go this week. How can you make your kids dinner beforehand so that they wont eat crackers? How can you incentivize getting their HW done?
Goal #3? Maybe it should be DO NOT look at Skype? This one is tricky because it's on my PC in the apartment which is MY only access to the internet (other than at the library.) So, when I want to get online to the forums for support and research, it's always in my face. The Skype icon RIGHT IN FRONT OF ME. ugh. The only way I know to remove it is to log out and then I have to log in every single time over and over again for the kids to have access. I haven't wanted to do that. hmm. Food for thought, I guess. Sure. Dont look at it for a week. Easy peasy.
Can't I just hire you to develop goals for me??? I DO NOT like this. It's hard. You basically have to look at yourself and figure out what you dont like and what you want to make better. Unfortunately, I cant really do it for you.
I'd recommend going from the big picture in. So, for example, what 2 or 3 qualities do you want to improve? - self confidence - patience - persistence - organization - health - wealth etc etc
Then, think about what little steps you want to take in the next day or week or month to improve your standing in that area.
Can you delete the Skype app from your PC? Just delete it. You can install it again at a later date if you want. Also, my kids eat crackers sometimes for dinner and they live.
I keep a stock of hummus, crackers, nuts, cheese and veggies and whip up a "platter" of healthy munchies when I don't have time to feed them a proper dinner. They actually love it and request it a lot.
I also hear you about leaving the kids alone. It is hard. Can you find a yoga class early on a saturday morning? Or maybe during your lunch break? Also, I have come to realize that my kids actually love it when I go out and they are home alone- they prefer it to me being there, LOL.
