MLC with first love

[CaliGuy]

Thank you Caliguy for stopping by and for the very valuable input.

I too had spotted the lack of W's in MLC, so did wonder, still wonder if it is that mine is simply a WW with MLC tendencies. The world is full of greys and everyone seems hell bent on making everything black and white.

I think looking back, being here for a bit and reading not only here but elsewhere that sometimes the LBS needs these labels to a point to help come to grips with what seemed to happen out of nowhere.

For me .. A Conflict Avoid-Fixer its obvious to me now that this was just another feather in the fix-it cap, If I knew what she was … what was wrong, then I would be able to fix her . During my journey I discovered it was not her that needed fixing (not by me anyways) … it was me who needed the work, me ‘fixing’ was the surface issue .. the deep rooted problem was my sense of control, which was WHY I attempoted to fix .. to regain control of a various situation; If she was upset the front yard looked a mess I went out .. mowed/blew the leaves … made it all look nice … not to ‘fix’ her but to regain control of my household and control that things were smoothed over.

I've read a few times that the number of months it takes to achieve the greatest level of acceptance and peace is the same as the number of years that you've been married, in my case that's two years of self discovery. For a while this scared me, how long!? But now, it simply feels like ~24 (20 now) months where I can focus solely on me and know that there will come a time when I am ready to truly move on, with or without my W. I don't see this as an absolute number, more a guide, it may end up less, it may end up more, who knows? The answer is nobody, so I'm not worrying about it.

I too tackled that ‘time’ issue. W moved out and I knew her lease was up in Nov … that was the date I mentally circled, “All in or All out Day”. Well that leads right back to the control issue. I was told the same thing .. it takes one month for every year you are together to ‘get over’ her and move on … I am telling you I do not buy it. It happens when you heal, and that variable relies on the work you put in. That 24 months I was looking at … I made it to about 15 and got to a point I was good with where my life was, I knew I would be ok without her …. Even after everything I still deep down loved her and just accepted I always would in some capacity. Owning that and still able to move on .. wish her well was a place I made it to and hit a new level of peace. My point … its all on you .. you have more power in this than you will ever realize, it just takes time and a good deal of mirror work to get there

[Avanti]

That's is very interest CaliGuy.

I too am uncomfortable with labels and had never thought about it in the way you have described, it is very enlightening.

Some metric always has to exist to give people hope I guess and the one month for every year one always bothered me as I didn't want to be locked to something when, as you say, the healing happens sooner.

You are right there is a lot of mirror work required for me and I don't think it's something you I can necessarily hurry, one thing seems pretty clear is that the progress is not linear, there will be jumps forward and potentially backward too, it's doing something to move myself forward everyday that I'm committed to.

Reading through you thread you did seem to have quite a bit of contact with your W throughout the time she was away from you, do you see that was a help or a hinderance? In other words if you had been completely NC (not easy with a child being part of the picture) do you think that would have changed anything for you and your progress?

[CaliGuy]

TBH yeah the NC is impossible with kids... Even then she never let me get very far, she constantly would temp check and make sure I was where she put me, took me a good deal of time to realize that's what it was and not that she was reaching out... Several touch and Gos. I arrived to the point I accepted it so it no longer became a hinderance, but for a bit yes it kept me stuck and did not allow me to heal and grow as a man. Once I seen it from a different perspective her actions were viewed at they were... Merely her testing, temp checking, and I let her to it as I had bigger better things to do with my energy... Work on me

[LouR]

Hi Avanti

What I find interesting is that your H didn't press for a D. He simply trotted off into his own world and didn't think about the financial side. Maybe your finances were well divided already...? Not looking for personal detail just an understanding of why such a significant matter didn't enter his thoughts.

My h just wanted out, to be gone and start living his life, free and single, he could not run fast enough. We talked d, I bought it up, he looked at me puzzled and said "why would you want a d? It's just a piece of paper, it means nothing, I don't intend getting married again, do you?" He really thought we would remain married for the rest of our lives !! Also in NZ you have to be separated for 2yrs before you can divorce, if we do get back together then after 3 months we would have to start that time over again.

Finances - ha, you should read my sitch. My h left and we had to sell our house, what resulted (long story) was him leaving with nothing and me having enough to survive for a year, until I got a job - I had been a SAHM for 22yrs so that was not an easy task. I lost everything - my home, my h, my best friend, my money and my role in life, I felt completely destroyed.

Now I have a job, was promoted after 3 months, I have rented a small home for me and my youngest s18 and I have rebuilt my life. I am financially independent, my h is now in big debt, trying to be the person he thought he wanted to be and the person ow wanted him to be. He knows and sees this and is now taking steps to rectify his situation.

A person in MLC has no care but for themselves, they will do whatever they need to do to get what they want, be that a d and being in your face or run away from everything and everyone.

[Jpeg]

Lou - did you ever set up a separation agreement? I am struggling with what to do now cause my H is doing just what you described. He is just looking after (going out for dinners and drinking all the time) and I am left paying all the bill for house and cottage and 5 kids. In my case if I get L to do separation agreement that will give H easy D I don't know what to do. ( sorry is this what you call a hijack?)

[Avanti]

Wow, LouR what a mess your H was in, still is in and left you to deal with. You are obviously a very strong, determined and resourceful woman as you seem to have re-established yourself in a fantastic way, that many would be envious of.

It was rude of me not to read up on your sitch before asking the question, thank you for giving such a revealing summary. I'll go and catch up right away.

It looks like you have a very interesting time ahead of you while you decide whether to reconcile with your H. Some who haven't been through, or read about, your experience might say WTF, why are you considering taking him back? Your personal growth has given you the ability to consider it and that takes a very big heart and extraordinary relationship skills. Do you think that comes from having reached the point of complete acceptance of your sitch, or is it because you feel you should as he's the father of your children, or something else? That's a very personal question, feel free to ignore it if you see it as a step too far.

[LouR]

Ha ha, personal question away, if it helps and I can answer then I will.

Jpeg

- did you ever set up a separation agreement? I am struggling with what to do now cause my H is doing just what you described. He is just looking after (going out for dinners and drinking all the time) and I am left paying all the bill for house and cottage and 5 kids. In my case if I get L to do separation agreement that will give H easy D I don't know what to do. ( sorry is this what you call a hijack?)

We did set up a separation agreement but then I decided not to sign it, it was a personal decision, I choose to trust my h with what we agreed on, and so far he has generally kept to it. My opinion (if you wish it) is to do whatever it takes to protect yourself financially and to make sure your c are safe. MLC'er do tend to spend up and not think of where it's coming from, they also neglect their responsibilities. I did not have c to consider but had I then I would have signed it. If your h really wants a d then he will do it whether you have the agreement or not. Please do take further advice and do whatever is necessary to protect your family.

Avanti

Wow, LouR what a mess your H was in, still is in and left you to deal with. You are obviously a very strong, determined and resourceful woman as you seem to have re-established yourself in a fantastic way, that many would be envious of.

Awww that is kind of you to say. I can honestly say I was the one curled up on the bathroom floor sobbing until I could not cry anymore, so I really do understand what you are all going through. It's a bit surreal to look back now and think I was like that, completely devastated - sigh. I made so many terrible decisions and bounced all over the place for a long time (still do), but I tried hard to listen to the vets here and follow their advice .... a few anti DB moments along the way, but hey lol.

Some who haven't been through, or read about, your experience might say WTF, why are you considering taking him back? Your personal growth has given you the ability to consider it and that takes a very big heart and extraordinary relationship skills. Do you think that comes from having reached the point of complete acceptance of your sitch, or is it because you feel you should as he's the father of your children, or something else? That's a very personal question, feel free to ignore it if you see it as a step too far.

Hmmm, good question. For me (and it's totally a personal thing) I will quote what I wrote on my thread : We have a connection, it's always been there, enough for me to still be standing for him and him to come to me when he was struggling. 25yrs ago we met as silly teenagers, what did we know. We got married, we had kids, we got put through the wringer with life's trials and tribulations. Bad decisions were made, good decisions were made but we stayed the course - so to give up now.

I do know whatever happens that I will be ok. It will be painful if this does not work out, but I am in a stronger place this time. I also know that if it's not right for me, then I can say that. Our sons don't know about any of this, they just think we are weird, ex's that talk to each other is not normal in their books lol.

[Avanti]

Ha ha, personal question away, if it helps and I can answer then I will.

That is very kind and open of you, thank you.

Awww that is kind of you to say. I can honestly say I was the one curled up on the bathroom floor sobbing until I could not cry anymore, so I really do understand what you are all going through. It's a bit surreal to look back now and think I was like that, completely devastated - sigh. I made so many terrible decisions and bounced all over the place for a long time (still do), but I tried hard to listen to the vets here and follow their advice .... a few anti DB moments along the way, but hey lol.

And there's me thinking you were rock hard and infallible. ;-) There doesn't seem to be a person on any of the forums who at some point has fallen to pieces and made some horrendous mistakes, you wouldn't be human if you hadn't. I haven't made any of course, it's all been by the book no deviations for me. :-p

In all seriousness, thank you for sharing what must have been very hard for you and being willing to revisit those time. It is inspiring that you can look back on such events now with such detachment and an obvious sense of having learnt from it.

Hmmm, good question. For me (and it's totally a personal thing) I will quote what I wrote on my thread : We have a connection, it's always been there, enough for me to still be standing for him and him to come to me when he was struggling. 25yrs ago we met as silly teenagers, what did we know. We got married, we had kids, we got put through the wringer with life's trials and tribulations. Bad decisions were made, good decisions were made but we stayed the course - so to give up now.

I do know whatever happens that I will be ok. It will be painful if this does not work out, but I am in a stronger place this time. I also know that if it's not right for me, then I can say that.

That is an incredibly moving way of looking at you sitch, you really are in a remarkable place that I and probably many others really envy.

Our sons don't know about any of this, they just think we are weird, ex's that talk to each other is not normal in their books lol.

Being abnormal is good, no one wants to be average...do they?

It is probably wise to carry on as you are until you are certain where things are going to head. Giving your sons false hope in either direction would probably upset them. However, when you do tell them where things are heading be open about the "behind closed doors" tactics and ensure they understand it was done so that you could make a clear headed decision that only you (and potentially your H) could make on your own, sometimes there are things our children do not need to know until the appropriate time appears.

But then again, who am I giving guidance to someone who is so grounded and a shining example to us all!?

[LouR]

Thank you Avanti, its very kind of you to show your support towards me, I am always humbled by the kindness shown to me by all here.

That is an incredibly moving way of looking at you sitch, you really are in a remarkable place that I and probably many others really envy.

You will get there. You will find peace with this one day, unfortunately its that dreaded word time. Use it wisely my friend, its an incredible journey that will test you to what you think are your limits, I can't say its an easy one but its a revealing one.

You are doing great, try to keep your head calm and focus on yourself, as you are really important.