Hi, over the last year and a half to two years my husband has been spiraling into what I believe is a MLC. He became very irritable, critical, and distant. He started to resent me and his children who are very young still. He went out more and didn't want to do things as a family. He started dieting, got braces, became concerned with looking good, and eating better. I know it all sounds like an affair, and I have not ruled it out, but do not have any concrete evidence. Out of the blue he filed divorce papers this week but refuses to move out of the house and so it is very uncomfortable to say the least. I really have little hope of the marriage working out. He says he will not "back down" from a divorce. He claims that he is ending things because we are just not compatible and he was never the right man for me. I secured a lawyer and am preparing for the divorce, but wanted to turn here for support since I had read the book and gone through phone coaching.
StarLit, Sounds like a MLC and you need to prepare yourself that there may be someone waiting in the wings or is already involved w/him either in a physical or emotional way. Sounds like there is someone out there if he's pushing for a divorce this quickly. He thinks that you and the relationship are the root of is unhappiness...but you aren't. It's him that needs to figure out that happiness comes from within.
Okay, the first question that I always ask new posters is what happened approximately 18-24 months prior to him starting to revamp himself? Did he get promoted, lost out on a promotion, death of a family member, co-worker, friend, health issues, new baby, etc.?
How old is your husband? Does he currently have health issues that he doesn't want to face?
He definitely is trying to make himself look good and possibly more appealing to the opposite sex. He'll continue to update his looks for a while.
Read as much as you can on MLC. The more knowledge you have the better informed you will be. Do not plead, beg, etc. Just leave him be. Get yourself to a lawyer as soon as possible to learn what you are entitled to. Do not share this forum or what you learn from the lawyer w/your h. No matter what you say to him, he will continue on his journey and will be that much more determined to do it. I know living under the same roof w/him right now is horrible, but try to think of him as a roommate for now. If he is set on a divorce, then maybe it's time to stop doing his laundry and any other wifely things you've been doing. Roommates take care of their stuff and he needs to see what the consequences of his actions will be.
Also, start squirreling some money away. If you can't find a good place to put it, i.e., a separate bank account, then go purchase American Express Gift Cards or cards for your local grocery. He is going to start spending like the mad hatter and will not care if the bills are paid or you and your children are taken care of. Don't ever think he won't do it, because he just may very well do since it's already starting his crisis.
Continue posting. The more you post, the quicker you'll get off moderation.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
Keep this to yourself. DO NOT share this book or this site at all with your spouse. It is your playbook and not to be shared with the "opposing" team.
It is important to clear the search/browsing history from your computer on a daily basis to prevent the possibility for your WAS to stumble on the DB site and discover your posts here on DB. Erasing the search history will protect your posts and you as well.
Sorry you are here but you will meet some wonderful people here and get some great advice.
You may be on moderation now, post in small frequent replies and stay on this thread until you reach 100 posts (for your thread, you can also post on other peoples threads to give support)
I have read a good deal of books on the subject and can give you some suggestions when you are ready.
Take the parts of this advice that you need and don't worry if I have repeated something that you have already done.
I will give you a bunch of homework assignments to read. This POST is under reconstruction and we will be working on this as time goes by, this is the most current version.
Now you have all the tools to read. Let us know how your doing and if you have any questions.
I suggest that you read the entire thread in the resources. You can also pick out some people and read their whole story.
Depression is the key to the whole thing and it is always present!
Believe none of what he/she says and 50% of what he/she does.
I would not ask him/her anything unless you can have no expectations. Sometimes asking them questions will be thought of as pressure. You do not want to do anything that can be thought of by your H/W as controlling or pressure.
Lets not worry about him/her. Lets work on you! Start your homework assignments. Something to DO while you are on moderation. GAL. Eat, sleep, exercise and take a deep breath. In general take care of your self first. Detach the single most important thing to DO.
Your H/W has given you a gift THE GIFT OF TIME use it wisely
I am sorry that you find yourself here but Welcome. You will find many knowledgeable and supportive people here.
job has given you some great advice and asked good questions so I will leave it here. Just wanted you to know that I am here to support and listen. Read as many other threads as you can as it will help you find answers that you seek.
Stay strong and look after yourself, keep posting.
Hi Starlit- sorry you find yourself here, but you are in good hands and good company.
My MLCer has lived at home throughout his crisis. I went through a period where I treated him as a roommate. (If I did do tasks like laundry for him he criticized my work and often monstered at me.)
I know how challenging this all is with young kids in tow. Keep up a PMA (positive mental attitude) for your kids as best you can. Focus on taking care of you and your kids.
Me 41, H 47, M 15 yrs, S11, S13 BD 1: 11/4/14 we work on it; really I pretzel myself BD 2: 3/31/15 H goes down to "dorm room" 8/15: H back to MBR 10/15: H back in dorm room 1/18: H files, now divorced
