Tinydoc's first post, 5 months in.

[Pax_luv]

TD- When you first started posting, my heart ached for you. I work in the medical field and I know how demanding that lifestyle is (i'm not a clinician, just an administrator). What this tells me about you is that you are an incredibly tough worker and you set your standards really high (and why not?!). So, this is just my observation- maybe he inadvertently allowed you to be his parent because of your standards and given your leadership skill set you naturally just filled that role? Maybe he was/is intimidated of you and your success?

I say that because my husband is more successful than myself and there's always been this slight intimidation factor there for me...like i wanted to impress him... but with that, I also gave him a lot of control to direct the relationship and that's never good either.

Re: the dog- I feel for you. H and I share a dog as well, and I love this pup so much. It's really hard to pass him back and forth. The good news is- it's the only opportunity I have to see H at all so I make sure all interactions are pleasant.

Good luck with everything- you are in a tough sitch.

[V2pt0]

I went on a date this weekend. It was probably a good thing and a bad thing.

The good: I know I wasn't satisfied in my marriage because I always felt like I was my husbands parent, in a way. I didn't feel like he was my partner, since we weren't working towards anything together. It was nice going out with someone who seems more like an equal-someone with a career, who is financially secure, has a retirement account, etc. It reminded me what was missing in my marriage, and how I important those things can be. I resented my husband for making me take on all of the responsibilities, and going out with someone who has more of his life together helped reinforce that,

The bad: Im so much more attracted to my husband than to anyone else, I definitely settled for some of the his less desirable qualities because I found him so physically attractive. I'm sure that deep down I didn't think I was worthy of such an attractive man who also had his life together, and figured I would have to settle for someone less successful. And I miss him.

.

Your words and thoughts resonates with me so much. It sounds like we were both missing the same things from our spouses. I feel I could have written both the bad and the good sections above. Yes, my H is a very attractive man. He had all of the physical attributes I was looking for in a man. But you know what, after everything that has happened over the last 6 months, he does not nearly seem quite so attractive anymore. I would rather have someone not quite as attractive physically as my H if they make up for it in personality, caring for my needs and interests, compassion, and commitment. Don't worry, you are making yourself into a woman only a fool would leave, your successful, and seem like a caring person. You will find someone just as successful that you are also attracted to physically.

[TDball]

I can't tell if my last post got mistakenly deleted or still requires approval.


I'm not sure what to do about our dog. He is ignoring all attempts to discuss it. He blocked my texts, won't answer the phone and won't respond to email.


There is so much going though my head.

-He thinks I have everything, and the dog is all he has. He mentioned this a few weeks ago. This is crazy. He wanted the divorce. He has the girlfriend. Part of me wonders if this means his life feels emptier now, but I doubt it, and shouldn't mind read.

-He insisted that I was using the dog as leverage. Leverage for what? I don't understand. The only "asset" we have is the dog, it's not like I'm trying to get anything from him. I dont even want her full time. He also says that I can't see the dog anymore because last week he insists that I said I wouldn't give her back until he agreed to joint ownership. This reasoning is so convoluted, since I have told him many times I didn't say this, and he currently has the dog. I can't figure out why he is insisting that was "the last straw"

-He said that sharing her is preventing us from getting on with our lives. Except supposedly he has already moved on. So he's concerned that I won't move on? I don't think it's fair to prevent me from seeing the dog out of concern for my emotional well being.

I just feel so powerless.

[TDball]

Had to bump. He still won't let me see the dog and won't discuss it. I feel like this has put us in another limbo. My L is just holding the papers. I don't want to give in to him and give up on seeing her forever, but I don't want to take him to court for custody, so he is essentially putting a hold on this divorce that he so badly wants. I don't think he's doing that subconsciously or consciously- I think he thinks he can just take what he wants and that's it. In his head we're already divorced.

I did realize that I went two days this week without really thinking about him! I have been really enjoying my team at work this week, and one of them I'm almost flirting with (we only work together for a week, so I think it's okay). I forgot that flirting can be fun, I haven't done it in a while.

I was inspired by EPs thread and have started to work on my goals, I will hopefully post them soon.

[Sotto]

Have you read Pigpen's thread? A couple of months ago, there were a number of posts about puppy arrangements as Pigpen's W was also reluctant to share time with the dog. They did manage to agree a plan though.

[TDball]

I read more recent threads with the dog exchange but I'll go back and see how they resolved it.

I see why my H is frustrated though. I also don't know how realistic it is to share a dog for the next 12 years, as much as I hate to admit that. My dog is so smart and funny and cute, I can't imagine a life without her, I guess I felt that way about my husband, and a life without him is becoming more imaginable.

It kills me that his decision means I will also lose the other most important thing in my life, and I don't want to give him that power. Maybe the real power comes from my own ability to let go, move on, and find another furry family member. The prospect of owning a dog on my own is terrifying! Maybe that should be another goal.

[TDball]

I was reading pigpens thread, perhaps you guys can help me with my email?

Here's what I drafted, I stole some from Pigpen.

Husbands name-

I hope you had a nice weekend.

I know that you're frustrated, and I am also frustrated, since we are now in a different kind of limbo. You have said that you are eager to get this over with, but our only issue to resolve is Dog. I know you want to keep her full time, but it is inconceivable to me that I should be deprived of our furry family member, who we raised from puppyhood. You said that sharing Dog will prevent us from moving on with our lives, but it is my responsibility to do what I need to do to move on, and you do not have to make that decision for me. I'm trying to work with you, not against you, and I believe we can come to a mutually respectful and acceptable compromise.

I know you keep saying I'm using her as leverage, and I don't think I'm trying to, but I have been thinking about how it might come across that way

I know you don't feel it warrants a conversation and you think the solution is clear, but without a conversation (in the presence of a mediator) we are at a standstill. That, more than anything, will keep us stuck. I love Dog very much, and I know you do too, so it makes sense that this furry creature we both love so much is producing so much anger. Hopefully we can find a solution together. Since she's in your possession, the ball is in your court

[Azzork]

Paging WONKA!!

I'll offer some thoughts tomorrow, but I'm always way too wordy in these kinds of communication.

How can you pare things down? This note has five "buts" in it. Can you be shorter and more direct? In my experience the "but" immediately invalidates all that comes before it. So are those 5 buts helping your cause?