That what I'm really scared about having hope and being let down again! I'm happy for my kids as they are having more contact with him than when he was living with us. I'm very sad that I'm not part of this! My dad stayed with my mum after he had an affair, my MIL stayed with her H after he had two affairs (that I know of, apparently it could be more), me when I found out he went back to her I kicked him out!
I'm starting to regret my decision but the month after the initial discover I was in hell, seeing him everyday in the house was slowly eating me alive and having negative effect on me. Him out of the house I could feel peace within me!
Weird is how I'd describe myself! Would love to get my hand on the book you are reading Julie :-). Thanks for your support, I thought I was getting better!
OK, direct question time Rouky. Did your H ever say to you that you don't listen to him, or notice some of the things he's done for you?
H did say that I didn't listen to him, and I agree with him to some extent. He talked about us having a holiday. I said yes to it, and also pointing out that we couldn't afford it. He also made me feel bad for wanting to see my family. At one point I felt he was asking me to decide between my family and him. His family is very disfunctional, and he admitted he was jealous of my family. If he had said something like: I understand that you need to see your family, but would you mind shorting your stay, so we can go away. It'd have been fine, but telling me in an agressive way, you always go to your family, never has gone down well for me.
I admit I didn't say thank you enough, and I'm doing that now. Nevertheless I never wanted to have a huge extension to my house, I never wanted to not see him. He'd never help with the kids' clubs or looking after them, so in a way there wasn't really much for me to thanks him for. He never told me thank you for what I did/ still do for the kids! I got taken for granted.
The reason I asked the question was because he has said and done things recently such as spending more time with the kids and saying he'd look after the kids if you needed to be with your father. If he didn't care, he wouldn't have done any of this, he'd shrug and say "it's your problem".
Men don't have as many words as women (that's not a dig, it's a reality born out of our distant ancestors) and so tend to demonstrate rather than verbalise how they feel. Bear this in mind when interacting with him. I also asked a very short question and got a long answer, so if you doubt whether women have more words than men, you've answered your own question. Again I'm not picking on your, our distant forefathers are responsible.
Originally Posted By: Avanti
The reason for asking is I can see a man who feels guilty operating here. Some of the things you've mentioned and almost dismissed as irrelevant or minor, are the kind of things I'd do to try and rebuild a bridge.
Would you like to elaborate a bit more? What makes you think that he fells guilty? From where I stand, he doesn't seem to show one once of remorse or guilt!
Could it be because you are expecting words,when he demonstrates through actions, albit subtle one? Are you familiar with the book "the 5 languages of love" by Gary Chapman? If not it might be worth a read.
Originally Posted By: Avanti
Marriages rarely fall apart as a result of one event, they fail because of a number of grudges building up on top of one another until the load is too great for one of the partners and so they take action, consciously or unconsciously and usually of the wrong sort.
I totally agree with you in our case it was a built up of things, but my needs as well as his were denied. Since we are separated I have more time to myself ( he never gave me that as when I had something planned for me and I'd give him plenty of notice he'd say I couldn't go as he had some work to do!). I wanted to go out with him, I was the only one all the time to book a babysitter! Now I know why he wouldn't want me to go with him!
He might have been stopping you from going on your own because he was scared you'd find someone else. The only way you'll ever find out is if you get the chance to ask him (now is not the time).
wrt you always having to arrange the babysitter when you both went out, was that because you knew who to call and he didn't? Don't we have particular tasks within an R that become ours because we are most adept at them? Did you ever ask him to arrange the babysitter or simply expect him to do it once in a while?
After I found out about his affair, I started to address his griefs, but it deeply hurt when he told me that he had noticed my changes and he tought we could save our M, but straight after saying that he said his IC, and one of his siblings told him not to come back to me!
IC's and relations can be dangerous things, he was simply looking for someone to confirm what he already thought he should do, they didn't change his mind or would have had a minimal impact if he wasn't teetering on the brink of a decision.
There is so much I can take. I have my share in this and working really hard on changing what needs to be changed, not for him but for me (take better care of me, being more positive, went for a shorter time to see family, reduce stress amount), but he doesn't see any of this!
If it isn't for him why does he need to see it?
He is happy that he can pop around when he wants to see his kids, and still have his single life! Why would he want to come back when he gets the best of both world! It really hurts as I still love him and want him back not because I need to but I want to!
We've discussed this before and you made a decision to let him come round whenever, so accept it and move on. If you are regretting the decision review and make changes you feel comfortable with, nothing is set in stone.
Had a good night yesterday, meeting new people. Was out of my comfort zone, but I think it went ok. Got a bit stressed out as went to a pub, where he goes and wound meet her, and I kept looking over my shoulder! Next time I won't go to this pub as I don't feel ready yet!
Really pleased you enjoyed yourself and got a reward from stepping outside you comfort zone. Not going to the same pub they might frequent is wise, you are going out to enjoy yourself having to constantly check your surroundings for unwanted people does not make for a relaxing evening.
Last night H came earlier than usual to take kids out, was wondering if he was checking temp? I think saw him taking a glimpse at me to see what I was wearing but not too sure about that. Came back and thanked him for looking after the girls. He said fine and left!
Don't try to mind read, his watch maybe fast so he got there early. He's bound to have checked you out, don't let him see you looking to see if he is, it'll make him think you are needy.
Today he was again slightly early, but he didn't say anything apart from hi and left. I will thank him for not working this Sat, taking the kids out and wish him luck for his competition. He doesn't engage in conversation, never asked me how I am, so I'm not really too sure what to do. I'm not ready to enter a new relationship, but I also don't want to hang too much onto my feelings for him as I don't really see him coming back. TBH his pride won't let him admit he was wrong, and I know he'd rather still keep in his mind that he was right to look for happiness with someone else (while still married)!
He's not your H anymore, he's checked out so stop expecting him to behave like he did. Whether he and you are destined to be together in another R is uncertain, you don't know for sure so stop with the self fulfilling prophecy stuff.
- Nobody has ever learnt anything important from happiness and success; problems make us grow - Consult your plan, not your feelings - If you haven't set goals, how can you expect to achieve anything?
H dropped girls, told him that I was very appreciative that he spends time with the kids as I know it could be different and I was grateful that it wasn't different. I also wished him good luck for his competition.
This is good, keep it up
Originally Posted By: Rouky
When I started to thank him, he was facing me, then turned his back on me! He said he wanted to spend time with kids and he said thank you for wishing him good luck! Don't understand why he had his back turned on me, but I should have stopped talking to him, as now I feel it was rude on me!
When we men don't know how to feel or are uncomfortable with what's being said, we look away, especially when we are feeling guilty. Turning his back may have appeared rude, it might have been more to hide his face from you so you could not read how he was feeling. If he does it again, ask him if he's OK using a genuinely concerned tone. You might not get a response other than a grunt, but you will have changed your approach that might promote a different response from him.
Originally Posted By: Rouky
I might be wrong but my gut feeling is telling me that him spending time with the girls is a way to redeem himself from his behaviour with his first daughter! This a very good news for my kids as they are going to have a bond with their dad that unfortunately his 1st daughter never had, but on the other hand it feels like he now telling himself that was he has done isn't that bad as he still can have a relationship with his kids and clearly doesn't want me in the pictures! Ouch that hurts!
The first bit was a good read of him, the last bit you made up because of your feelings, stop it, you don't know what he really feels so don't make things up based on how you feel.
- Nobody has ever learnt anything important from happiness and success; problems make us grow - Consult your plan, not your feelings - If you haven't set goals, how can you expect to achieve anything?
- Nobody has ever learnt anything important from happiness and success; problems make us grow - Consult your plan, not your feelings - If you haven't set goals, how can you expect to achieve anything?
