OMG now FIL is concerned about Ds tinfoil hat and thinks she has a problem. I swear, my D is so funny and some people have no sense of humor. I guarantee he is going to be emailing me articles for the next 6 months on kids and schizophrenia. While he is emailing H articles on divorce. Really, he has been doing that.
The mixture of normal crazy kid stuff, fun kid stuff, stressed out kids, H's issues, him not loving me, and the in laws dysfunction- I cannot believe this is my life. Its laughing one second, wanting to file for D the next, being in shock the next, being heart broken through it all, this is just too much. I swear, I am the absolute strongest person I know. This is ridiculous. I am surrounded by so much, it is downright mind blowing. If this was a sitcom nobody would watch it because it would seem way too far fetched. Not to mention some crazy friend drama. Which is probably what is keeping me sane, that and this board, good distractions.
How can I touch H again, knowing he is practically sitting in his mother's lap all weekend and whining about how his kids are mean to him????? What is going on? I am literally disgusted by him now. My boys are 9 and 11 and they have outgrown this already. Maybe he just needs to work through this?
I'd be mad too. I'm mad on your behalf just hearing from the treatment you're getting. I've been increasingly concerned with your sitch, as I don't see the way things are as even minimally healthy for you.
On to the particulars of this weekend: This is his family, and you are hosting. He needs to be told to pull his d*mned weight, or pay for take out.
I'm glad you aren't reacting, as it wouldn't help. I always hate to suggest this when I only hear one side, but it is hard to ignore that he is at a minimum emotionally abusive to you and your D. He is not taking care of even a minimum of the shared household chores. He is making everyone crazy. Perhaps it is time to ask him for a formal separation until he gets his substance problems, his anger issues, and his abusive behavior addressed. You can't carry the entire burden. And, you do not deserve the treatment you are getting from him.
While you're looking for books, consider Bepko & Krestan, Too Good for Her Own Good. I think it will speak to you, and help you see some of the unhealthy dynamics you are allowing to continue that are hurting you and the kids.
Maybe schedule yourself a massage on Tuesday. Give you something to look forward to for going above and beyond any reasonable call of duty this weekend.
I hope Vanilla will stop by and add her thoughts. I suspect they will be very insightful.
Hang in there. They'll be gone soon.
Me: 50 W:43 S6, S3 M: 12 yrs. T: 17 M is bad & Not happy Bomb Mar '14 S 5 Feb '15 D Bomb 13 Apr '15 (but "no hurry") DB Coach May '15 Wants proceed on D Aug '15 Starting 1-on-1 negotiations Sept '15
OMG now FIL is concerned about Ds tinfoil hat and thinks she has a problem. I swear, my D is so funny and some people have no sense of humor. I guarantee he is going to be emailing me articles for the next 6 months on kids and schizophrenia. While he is emailing H articles on divorce. Really, he has been doing that.
The mixture of normal crazy kid stuff, fun kid stuff, stressed out kids, H's issues, him not loving me, and the in laws dysfunction- I cannot believe this is my life. Its laughing one second, wanting to file for D the next, being in shock the next, being heart broken through it all, this is just too much. I swear, I am the absolute strongest person I know. This is ridiculous. I am surrounded by so much, it is downright mind blowing. If this was a sitcom nobody would watch it because it would seem way too far fetched. Not to mention some crazy friend drama. Which is probably what is keeping me sane, that and this board, good distractions.
How can I touch H again, knowing he is practically sitting in his mother's lap all weekend and whining about how his kids are mean to him????? What is going on? I am literally disgusted by him now. My boys are 9 and 11 and they have outgrown this already. Maybe he just needs to work through this?
Breathe P. Breathe. We'll help you sort it out later. Just get through this.
And, I think as hard as this weekend has been on you, you are going to look back and see it as something that helps you see some things you may have been not wanting to face, and making choices that put you and your kids on a path to health and happiness. We'll be there.
Oh, and go make yourself one of those tinfoil hats and join your D in some fun. Let them think what they want & say what they want. Show some solidarity with her and give 'em a bit of spirit back.
Me: 50 W:43 S6, S3 M: 12 yrs. T: 17 M is bad & Not happy Bomb Mar '14 S 5 Feb '15 D Bomb 13 Apr '15 (but "no hurry") DB Coach May '15 Wants proceed on D Aug '15 Starting 1-on-1 negotiations Sept '15
I am going to read your posts again tomorrow, As. I am actually feeling good. I feel stronger and more convinced than ever that I am not and never was the problem. Of course I had my part in it, but I did not cause this. I need to do a lot of thinking. Will not stray from DB in the mean time. If H and I reconcile I need a lot more from him than I ever had before, and even more than I thought I did.
Not sure he can do it.
At the same time, I am committed to my marriage and my family. I feel more like I am in a dilemma now than a heartbreak.
Oh photoka my friend.. im so sorry you bear the brunt of all that is crazy and dysfunctional in your household. You are very strong! Im proud of the way your handling everything, the weekend will be over soon and things will hopefully settle back to a somewhat normal routine for you. Keep breathing and DB ing as it has helped you maintain a clear head though all this.
I agree treat yourself to a massage and a mani pedi too. You deserve some you time after all this .. anyway you can make H pay for it too? That would be even better! Big hugs to you .
Married 1991 D 23 GD 3 D 21 S 20 M 49 S 48 1st bomb 2008 2nd bomb 4/2015 same person I fear those big words which make us so unhappy.
photoka, I think you wrote something very profound about your situation in your last post.
"I feel more like I am in a dilemma now than a heartbreak."
With this insight you may want to reanalyze past events and adjust your strategy for managing your husbands issues.
There is always family stress from a struggling marriage and that is par for the course. However your husbands actions are adding more stress then there needs to be. Personal history and family dynamics are one thing and maybe hard to fix quick but drugs and booze are a bad combination. This choice should not be tolerated in regards to your husbands health, or you and your children's well being.
Apparently, the inlaws left last night and nobody told me. So this morning H is acting friendly and asked me what I want to do today, I said "I don't know, how late are your parents staying?" and he said they left last night. I said I didn't know, and he seemed surprised.
I said, "this is the problem for me, H, there is no communication." And he said "that isn't the problem. You should just be happy that they are gone". I said, My problem is lack of communication and closeness with you, it is not that I want the absence of them, its that I want the presence of YOU. For me that is the problem. " He said "I don't know what to say about this" and shook his head. And I said I needed to leave the room, because he was shaking his head and his voice was getting tense, I said "you are escalating this and I need to leave the room, because I don't want an emotional conversation, because then its going to come out in MC and you will say I flipped out. I need to be alone for a few minutes." And I left the room.
Right now, I just want to be away from him. And I really miss my old H. This is so hard. I need to pull myself together and have a good day for my kids, its their last day of summer vacation.
Good news is that the inlaws left. They are probably saying that I didn't say goodbye to them but Nobody tells me anything so what am I supposed to do? I am not a mind reader.
Good job recognizing you were better off leaving. And, don't worry too much what your H says in MC or your iLs say about you. Focus on what feels right to you.
It sounds like a win-win on the iLs leaving unannounced. Nobody had to pretend your were sorry the were going, giving insincere thanks and you're welcomes, come again, etc. They have more fuel for their endless game of criticize other. And, you got the pleasant surprise of a morning off without need to be their Cinderella.
Take the kids & go do something fun. Just the 3 of you. Blow off some steam.
Me: 50 W:43 S6, S3 M: 12 yrs. T: 17 M is bad & Not happy Bomb Mar '14 S 5 Feb '15 D Bomb 13 Apr '15 (but "no hurry") DB Coach May '15 Wants proceed on D Aug '15 Starting 1-on-1 negotiations Sept '15
I just took D and S9 to Target to get some last minute back to school supplies. Taking them all to the pool after lunch to meet up with some friends. Early bedtime tonight because back to school tomorrow.
H is being pleasant again. I have a lot to think about. Definitely a shift is going on in my head. I still love him. I still want to be Married. But not at any cost. I am not desperate and I am not the problem here.
Also not wearing my wedding ring today. I just don't feel like it. I am sure I will put it on later or tomorrow, I just feel a little defiant right now. Its not like H wears his anyway.
I have so much to think about, and H is working from home tomorrow. I am spending the day with a friend after I drop the kids at school.
