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Originally Posted By: rambler
W seems to believe she is not meant to be monogamous for life


After that statement you're a much better man than I am. That statement would be the end for me. I'd move on without a second thought. I truly hope it's some temporary insanity on her part and not how she really feels.



The future is as bright as you demand it be.
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an update. it's been awhile since I posted.
After WW confessed As on 9/4/15 we attended MC for nearly 5 months. during this time she went back and forth about whether or not she wanted to rebuild, but largely did not show any major efforts. She would show efforts for a brief time and then get derailed. I finally realized that MC would be ineffective if she was uncertain about her goal and unwilling to implement what we had been learning. I followed the advice in Tim Tedder's article: Winning Back Your Wayward Spouse and gave her a letter similar to the example he provides in the article, and stated I'd no longer be attending MC as it was ineffective if she refused to implement or have a common goal. I'm now in a 'letting go' phase and will wait another month. At that point it will be 6 months from Dday. If she is still indecisive, I will ask her to move out. I have not exposed her As to any of her family and I have been forgiving and patient, but a decision needs to be made and only she can make it. It's been a really tough 5 months. I somehow found the strength to forgive her from the beginning, be positive, and even comfort her during periods of her grieving the loss of her AP (which was extremely difficult for me to do, but I did). She has gone NC w AP but I know she's not completely over it and therefore cannot legitimately focus on rebuilding marriage or helping me heal from the trauma. She is going to individual therapy and doing some things to focus on her own personal improvements, so that is positive. Now that I'm letting go and lovingly detached, she claims this is causing further distance. She's almost putting the responsibility on me to be loving and attentive so she feels she can lean in to a closer connection with me. I've been doing that now for well over a year, since before she confessed, with basically no change. Therefore I'm going 180 and will see what happens. Right now there's very little talk or communication going on. I told her my heart is open to her once she figures out what she wants and can be single-minded in the steps to get there. Until then, I must be more attentive to things that help me move forward in a healthy way.

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Originally Posted By: rambler
I'm now in a 'letting go' phase and will wait another month.

She has gone NC w AP but I know she's not completely over it and therefore cannot legitimately focus on rebuilding marriage or helping me heal from the trauma.

I dont understand the reasoning for setting this one month time limit. How can you "let go" and at the same time be trying to control the timing? What if it takes her 45 more days to "get over it"? or 60? Is it worth ending things early because she might be on a different time scale?

Im not saying having her move out is a bad idea necessarily. But I dont understand why you are setting a date based on an arbitrary time since BD.

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Azzork let's be clear it's a 6 month time limit, not a 1 month. It will have been 6 months since confession. I have given grace for this long with an expectation not for full repair, but rather a decision on whether or not WW wants to repair & grow the marriage, or whether she would rather not given her infidelities.

And let's also be clear that deadlines are not set in stone, and can be changed at any time. If I begin to see progress in her gaining certainty of a decision, I can always decide to wait longer.

Asking her to move out is not 'ending things early' in my opinion. I understand she might be on a different time scale, however my health is also important.

Many experts in the field suggest having a certain date in mind (again see the article linked in my prior post), which can always be subject to change, by which you would like to have a mutual agreement on whether or not you are going to make effort to reconcile and grow, or not. I forgave her day 1 and have been clear in my goal to restore and grow the M. She has continuously waffled.

I believe, for my personal situation, if there is still ambivalence on the part of the WW after 6 months since BD, a different approach is required. In my case, that approach will be physical separation with an open door when she's ready to make a decision.

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Originally Posted By: rambler
if there is still ambivalence on the part of the WW after 6 months since BD, a different approach is required.

What is so special about the "6 months" timeline? What do you think you will gain by enforcing a physical separation in one month vs. doing it today?

My point is that I believe that your boundaries should be based on her actions towards you, not based on an arbitrary unit of time. You say that she has been waffling continuously for the past 5 months; why would think that there would be something different this month?

I think that by setting this time limit, you are setting yourself up for failure. But, Im not an expert. Thats just my opinion.

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i have not told her about this time limit, it's simply something i've said to myself. If her actions toward me do not show a commitment to repairing the marriage, then I certainly can't expect to repair it on my own. Experts say to let the dust settle for 'a time' and then reassess.

that said, i'm open to advice. could you be more specific about boundaries based on her actions towards me? what specifically would you suggest in such a situation?

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Originally Posted By: rambler
i have not told her about this time limit, it's simply something i've said to myself. If her actions toward me do not show a commitment to repairing the marriage, then I certainly can't expect to repair it on my own. Experts say to let the dust settle for 'a time' and then reassess.

that said, i'm open to advice. could you be more specific about boundaries based on her actions towards me? what specifically would you suggest in such a situation?


Hello Rambler,

I'm glad that time limit has been for yourself and not something you have imposed on her. Since it is for yourself, no harm in extending it, right?

Patience is critical in your situation. You asked about boundaries and wanting specific suggestions. What has your DB Coach said regarding this?

Please call me at 303-444-7004 if you would like to schedule a session with your DB Coach.

Cristy
Resource Coordinator
The Divorce Busting Center
303-444-7004


A Divorce Busting Coach can help you save your marriage, even when your spouse wants out.

Email virginia@divorcebusting.com or 303-444-7004 for more information or to get started right away.
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