And she's seeing someone. So OP confirmed, although I already had a inkling. I felt numb...like every breath left my body. Here she was calmly saying I'm seeing someone...yet when she needed help...she asked me?.. Why not go to new Beau and use his WM...?
Why would she take that drama to OM? You think he wants to be around her problems and both kids? OM just wants to be around for fun times - not real life.
Originally Posted By: SPD72
After a bout of tears and 3 or 5 stellas..I felt anger and resolve..anger at myself for letting myself down and thinking I wold be a lighthouse and show my W...you can count on me...all for what..in the vain hope that she returns.. Nope..all I got was ..can you watch the kids Sunday night ..I'm going to a party..
Theres a difference between being a lighthouse and showing her that she can count on you. Read the lighthouse story again. The lighthouse doesn't go out and rescue the ships, it sits, patiently shining. You can still shine without rolling over and letting her take advantage of you.
Originally Posted By: SPD72
Resolve...because I really need to be honest with myself and figure out my motives for saving this marriage..is it because it's all I've known for the last decade of my life..?..and the unknown is scary?.. do I genuinely love her ?..what is love?
Do I want to stay with her after the hurtful things she's said..but more importantly after she's spilt our secrets and decided to be with another man? Alas here is where falter because am I being a hypocrite? ...I want her to forgive my faults and give me a second chance but am unwilling to forgive her faults?
Is my pride stopping me from doing the right thing..?..what is the right thing? She wants to leave....life would be wonderful now there is a built in babysitting service....I feel used..dirty and cheap...however I brought it on myself..my ego couldn't let me say no...I'll show her how take charge I am...darn rambling now...in the dark morning hours..I stretch out my hand..she's not there..throughout all the arguments my one constant was she was there... No longer..not for a long time..
Is it time to continue this journey on my own ??
These are really questions you don't need to worry about right now. You need to rebuild you before you need to worry about your M. She's not interested in R right now, so why worry about whether you want to?
Sandi2 Thank you for the responses and advice...when I read them they make sense..the problem for me is in the moment...I have to work on my response timing and button.....I need to make better choices..sometimes I think I do well and sometimes those buttons get stuck in the on position...
So after Fridays blow up, where she thought it was inappropriate to be doing laundry at my house, she left after informing me that she was seeing someone but it wasn't serious(yeah sure). I took my kids to dinner and dropped them home.
Then I made a series of blunders. Everything seems normal on the surface, so its easy to let my guard down and i know i shouldnt. She texted me if she can come over before work to check the laundry, I said as I was on my way to get my car serviced. as I took it in early, I thought I would be out in an hour or so. turned out not to be the case.
FU1: I called W to ask if she could come get me ...I only got as far as can I ask you a favor..her: what? like I was putting her out..I said never mind and hung up. she texted me back and said I fly off the handle too quickly( maybe I do)..i said you came across rude...but never mind I'm good now..walked about a mile to nearest park and sat there for an hour reading and thinking..i am a big dummy...I would give my off my back to this woman...stopped the negative talk and enjoyed the scenery.
she texted me 2 hrs later..asking about an email for D10s party (it was later that day). long story short we had ok conversation about my car and how long it would take and cost..i got home at 135pm ..she texts me are you home..(she works 2 mins from my apt) can you bring D10 outfit over ...I take it over..she asks me to sit in her office and talk for while(someone came in she didn’t want to talk to)..we talk about her work..she comments youre counting down the mintes until you have to leave me huh (in hindsight, it was a test which I failed miserably) I responded I have never wanted to leave you (cue the groans from sandi2) she gave a smirk as in I still got you..i took it then as yeah a smile ,, a break through ..NOT!!
D10s birthday party....I arrived early to help set up(25 girls )...she was pleasant..i was happy happy joy joy..SIL and I were cordial (she gave me a hug)..then MIL and SFIL turn up..it was like a switch was thrown W moved away from me..and for the rest of party didn't interact with me except at the end to pay the bill(we agreed to split the party costs 50/50) MIL and SFIL passed me in the hall an play area a few times...not a word, completely ignored..and to e fair I ignored them as well. At this point I am not in the mood for ridiculous games. best to say nothing to either.
At the end of the party, I helped W pack the car with the gifts and leftover food. she has tears in her eyes...I ask hey you ok...her: this is so strange (this is first time kids have a party and its not a family gathering after. its now SFIL MIL w kids and Ws best friend from college who is married with 4 young kids)I agreed it was strange..asked my kids their favorite thing of the day (our ritual) and said have a great night and walked to my car. Later that night she texted that D10 had a great time and we said goodnight first time in months
She texts at 3am..i cant sleep(shes apparently not been sleeping well since she left in april..guilt?,..fear?...)..…I respond at 7am that’s not good..back and forth and then I said hopefully it will get better s00n me ..At 4pm she texts me im taking kids to the pool, do you want to come?...yes I do…Saturday left me on a high..idiot boy that I am.
I meet them at the pool, kids are on slide. I have a pleasant conversation ask about her day, we both worked..she asked about my day..she took pictures of kids first day at school and D10s actual birthday celebration dinner and gifts t home..said she me dupes ..i thank her and said I going to see the kids. I was choked up that here was my family enjoying a birthday all smiles everyone beaming and I wasn’t there..but oh you get to see the pictures..hip hip hoo%$^^&& ray..
Not to make excuses, but that’s when looking back I can see the death spiral begin..emotions are a weird thing. Im with the kids poolside and she wanders over..sits next to me..starts talking about taking the kids to a fair..i said oh I was going to take them…she says well its almost over and I might take them tonight or tomorrow…OK HERE COMES FU2:
I say..really? I thought you had plans tonight…(she had asked me to watch kids overnight as she had a party to go to…I sorry cant help you). She laments MIL and SFIL are giving her a hard time about watching the kids. Then I said oh that [censored] (whilst thinking how often are you out that they are giving you a hard time)…she continues yeah I have plans tomorrow too, im going to dinner.. so can I drop them off early….(here it is folks..).i ask who are you going to dinner with (oh no he didn’t?...yup folks the mist is descending)…like good cop bad cop..her demeanor, voice and face changes..whats it to you anyway..who I have plans with..
I recognize the battlefield,..so I got up from bench ..said youre right never mind..and jumped in the pool with D10. Cooling my head, I ran over the rules of engagement. Repeated mantra after mantra..threw in a couple woosawsss..and namastes for good measure.
Was in the water for 15 -20 mins…W starts walking back to our stuff..D10 comes up to me and says mommy says we are leaving but she doesn’t know what hes(me) doing. I said to the kids mommy wants to leave et your things together. On the way over we pass each other and I stop her and say again..i didn’t mean to upset im sorry I asked you anything in a pleasant manner trying to defuse situation. She says well can I drop them off early, nothing else..so I said no you cant its labor day and I have things planned I wont be home until later. She gets mad storms off to parking lot with S8..D10 walks back with me.
I get to her car, getting D10 in..she comes around..and says harshly I need to get my laundry. Yes yes she left piles of laundry at my apt..the clean stuff dried and folded…(yes I did it,..yes im an idiot). Load in washer to be dried ..load in dryer drying. She gets there…fuming…you said you would et them..its your day..i have plans..i don’t see why I have to sit around waiting for you…I said nothing let her vent…she doesn’t thank me for anything…and here is where I put my foot down…she takes the clean laundry down to her car..comes back and says huffily..anything else..and you cant do as you please ..you want the kids 50/50 well see about that..
I snapped…and said you can take the rest of your laundry too as I agree its inappropriate for you to be doing youre laundry here seeing as you want nothing to do with me..Sheesh..Medusa had nothing on this chick…she went ballistic..how much she hates me..cant wait to get away from me..she should hae left me 8 years ago..she regrets staying ..yadda yadda..her life wll be so much happier when the divorce is final and im out of her life..so I toked the fire (I know…whats my end goal)..i said that’s fine but in the meantime I wont be your babysitter so you can go get la**.
She left with dirty laundry..half dried laundry..wet laundry..yelling im a sorry excuse for a man..thank god dhe left me when she did and gor herself a real man…sigh I know..half of what she says etc etc..
Semi rant semi vent…so I know I screwed the pooch as we embarked an a 30min text tirade…with the about 3 calls from her which I declined,..whereby she duly texted how im a coward..she never cared me I would never ever be a priority to her (one of my gripes in our marriage)..i responded that its funny her mom has a laundry room but yet the man she depises and cant wait to get away from is the man she turns to for help…
Anyway safe to say ..20mins after blood levels were reduced I felt like crap..first taste of Dbing seemingly working and I lost mental focus. This harder than I could ever have imagined. Like storming a fortified German bunker with a water pistol. I need to work on my mental fortitude, not get sidetracked or sucked in by a pretty face and a smile.
Im weary, bruised and bloodied, but I will keep fighting. On a separate track, reading many other threads on here..i have to ask..what is the purpose of DBing?..I understand life has no guarantees however im torn by what I see as mixed messages on here. Am I here to work on getting my spouse back or working on myself and if my spouse notices then great ..if not………………………….crickets..
I understand the nature of human psychology and you can change someones mind..or make someone love you…if the case is that im truly here to work on the it shouldn’t be called divorce busting as reconciliation seems to be a byproduct of the true purpose which is to find value happy and validation in self…
Maybe im getting jaded..maybe had too much vino..yesterdays fight has left me drained..despondent and utterly dejected. I don’t know how to keep the demons of doubt and self delusion from my door…I want my W back..i want my family back I want all the hopes and dreams that have been built up to come to fruition with this person, the mother of my children.
The sad thing is, realization is setting that no matter what I do, she is done! As much as I want to only believe 50% etc etc.. I know in my heart I wast always a good husband…I did things that hurt her(chatting online..sexting with exes). I never hit her or mentally abused her. I gave her the silent treatment many times, mainly because my grievances were dismissed ridiculed and disparaged.
I am not proud of my past behaviors, I am changing, I still react to the pushed buttons and I know I shouldn’t..rereading DR today. Labor day they are out with MIL and STFIL. I miss my family!!
On a separate track, reading many other threads on here..i have to ask..what is the purpose of DBing?..I understand life has no guarantees however im torn by what I see as mixed messages on here. Am I here to work on getting my spouse back or working on myself and if my spouse notices then great ..if not………………………….crickets..
The way I see it, no matter what happened, your wife is not going to come back to be in the exact same marriage that she was in before that led you to this place. She already knows she doesn't like that. So what can you do? First, identify the gaps in your life where you can make improvements. Then you make them. Unfortunately, you could get voted as supreme awesomest guy on Earth and it may not matter to her anymore. You have absolutely zero control over her.on the positive side, by going through those two steps, you come out of the tunnel and improved person.
Originally Posted By: SPD72
I understand the nature of human psychology and you can change someones mind..or make someone love you…if the case is that im truly here to work on the it shouldn’t be called divorce busting as reconciliation seems to be a byproduct of the true purpose which is to find value happy and validation in self…
I think this is tough to answer. Had I read this book and implemented the process two years ago, I probably wouldn't be here typing to you now. By the time most of us actually get here, the marriage is for all intents and purposes already over. I believe that the fact that ANY marriages are saved due to the practices of this site is incredible.
Originally Posted By: SPD72
The sad thing is, realization is setting that no matter what I do, she is done! As much as I want to only believe 50% etc etc.. I know in my heart I wast always a good husband…I did things that hurt her(chatting online..sexting with exes). I never hit her or mentally abused her. I gave her the silent treatment many times, mainly because my grievances were dismissed ridiculed and disparaged.
I am not proud of my past behaviors, I am changing, I still react to the pushed buttons and I know I shouldn’t..rereading DR today. Labor day they are out with MIL and STFIL. I miss my family!!
None of us were perfect. That's why we're here. And I'm certainly not going to judge on whether you were a good husband or not. My opinion doesn't matter. The only thing that matters is HER perception. Because that perception, to her, is reality. Who are you to judge how much she hurts because of some inappropriate text message she may have seen? Her feelings about that are valid and are hers - by minimizing them, you minimize her.
So I would instead focus on what you can LEARN from the past. Thing of the wrongs you committed. What was at the root of those actions? How can you do better next time?
I am learning -slowly- what pushes my buttons...life is circular..and IM trying to break that circle by doing a 180..
Sometimes I succeed sometimes I don't ..but I always know when I have failed...right now I am probably 20-80..success to failure.. my goal is 80-20..
My labor day ended up being pleasant..went to see a movie -war room- alone..ran into B&N and bought 5LL for men....had lunch on the patio in the sunshine. ..took my kids to dinner and ice cream..
When I tool kids home, W sent out birthday cake with S8...I sent her a text thanking her...she texts back " thank yo u for telling the kids I had a date " "awesome" "youre such an ass" "just when I think okay it will be okay you go some thing else" Me: I didn't say that.. Her: well that's what they came home and told me.. They must have made it up Me: ok
I left it at that...I laughed and thought ..don't argue don't argue..this battle isn't worth fighting..I already said nope not me... The story was...W had plans for dinner (according to kids at a friends house) oh cool i said ..then my S8..mommy wanted to look pretty for dinner..maybe it's a date..I say where did you learn that ...they both shout jesse (Disney show ).. I laughed and said don't be silly ... They went on when are you going on a date ..?..I'm like I dunno why do you ask..and long story short they each talk over each other about kids at school with divorced parents and what they say etx etc
But it was too much to text W..and didn't think I should elaborate...need to start writing down my goals and read 5LL..
Just a couple of thoughts in blue below. In addition to "not arguing", the next step is to start validating. She expressed some concern to you, and you took the opposite opinion immediately and probably made her feel like you dont share this concern.
Originally Posted By: SPD72
When I tool kids home, W sent out birthday cake with S8...I sent her a text thanking her...she texts back " thank yo u for telling the kids I had a date " "awesome" "youre such an ass" "just when I think okay it will be okay you go some thing else" Me: I didn't say that.. Instead of getting defensive right away, could there be a better reply? Im wondering if instead of taking a completely opposite side from her, is thre something less confrontational? Maybe something like "Im not sure where they got that idea." Im not great at these kinds of conversations, but I think immediately setting yourself on opposite sides may not be to your advantage. Her: well that's what they came home and told me.. They must have made it up Me: ok why respond this way here? its hard to read what you mean, but it sounds like you are putting her concerns down as if they arent important. Im not sure a response is needed, but I think replying like this will make her feel like you think she is stupid for feeling this way.
I left it at that...I laughed and thought ..don't argue don't argue..this battle isn't worth fighting..I already said nope not me... The story was YOUR version of the story. Told to you second hand by your kids. Remember that every story has two sides. ...W had plans for dinner (according to kids at a friends house) oh cool i said ..then my S8..mommy wanted to look pretty for dinner..maybe it's a date..I say where did you learn that ...they both shout jesse (Disney show ).. I laughed and said don't be silly ... They went on when are you going on a date ..?..I'm like I dunno why do you ask..and long story short they each talk over each other about kids at school with divorced parents and what they say etx etc
But it was too much to text W..and didn't think I should elaborate...need to start writing down my goals and read 5LL..
Thanks for all the advice so far..it's been a real help..read up on your sitch..I'm praying for you.. (yeah I know..funny how the man upstairs gets that call when we're down)..
In the situation above would it be conducive to text her today and say something like.." on reflection my response to you last night might appear dismissive. .however that was not my intent...I don't know where the kids got that idea..I can only imagine how that would have made you feel" Or is it best to just let it go?
And I know I can't speak for her but isn't the kids telling her something also her version of the "story"?
Thank you for your thoughts, I certainly appreciate it.
Originally Posted By: SPD72
In the situation above would it be conducive to text her today and say something like.." on reflection my response to you last night might appear dismissive. .however that was not my intent...I don't know where the kids got that idea..I can only imagine how that would have made you feel" Or is it best to just let it go? I think neither. I think learn from this and apply it next time. Nothing you say now can change what happened before or how she feels about what happened before. But, you can change yourself for your next encounter.
And I know I can't speak for her but isn't the kids telling her something also her version of the "story"? Yes. Thats what Im saying. You have one side and she has one side. And they are BOTH correct, because to each person, what they perceive is what they believe.
Lets say Im colorblind. If you tell me a chair is blue and I tell you it's red, how is my version of this wrong to ME? To me, it looks red. No amount of convincing from you is going to change my mind that it's red.
