Divorce is just a piece of paper......

[DFE]

D was finalized 6 months ago but it seems it was just a piece of paper. Will these feelings ever go away. I can't seem to break away from this relationship. Neither one of us can. He has done a better job than I have but what keeps us tied together like this?

I have been on this forum for many years. My XH and I went through a lot. Moving in and out trying to make it work. Having time to think about it I know where he would come back and I was shut down. I wish I had done more. Even after our divorce he came back saying if you and I are going to put this back together we have to work together and be friends. My anger pushed him away. I knew about the other woman and he didn't know I knew.

We hadn't spoken in 3 months but the other day I broke my silence. I discovered something that I had to email him about. Something to do with her. He finally acknowledged that he knows her and that it's not what I think. This woman has been a good friend to him. He ran into her and her boyfriend at a bar one night when we first split up and she was someone he could talk to that didn't know any of the parties involved. They have become good friends but he says it's not what I think. He has offered to talk to me about it in person.

He also says that the misses me and our family daily. He just couldn't stay and be miserable any longer. He often thinks about what we could do to get back together but he doesn't see a way. Our relationship was broken.

He has once again offered to be my friend. He says he wants to say the hell with me but can't get himself to do it. Although we haven't spoke he says I am still the most important person in the world to him. He has left everything he has to me and if he was on his death bed I would be the one he would want there with him.

I don't know what to do. I love him deeply and don't want to push him away again. This woman he is with if she isn't a friend is just a distraction I feel. Nothing serious. I have pushed him away so much and all he needed was companionship and a friend. Do I try to be his friend again? If I do it would be to ease things for my kids. They are happier when we communicate but can I do this without somewhere in my head thinking it may lead to us getting back together? Am I setting myself up for disappointment?

I don't know if I am in love with him any longer either. He has caused me and our kids a lot of hurt and I am angry but something keeps me tied to him. He is my family and in my heart. I can't imagine dating anyone else or introducing anyone to my kids. I need advice. I've seen many success stories here and would love feedback from the vets. I'm sure a lot of you are thinking geez woman it's been 10 years drop it. I want to drop it. I want to move on. Something in my heart won't let me.

[DFE]

D was finalized 6 months ago but it seems it was just a piece of paper. Will these feelings ever go away. I can't seem to break away from this relationship. Neither one of us can. He has done a better job than I have but what keeps us tied together like this?

I have been on this forum for many years. My XH and I went through a lot. Moving in and out trying to make it work. Having time to think about it I know where he would come back and I was shut down. I wish I had done more. Even after our divorce he came back saying if you and I are going to put this back together we have to work together and be friends. My anger pushed him away. I knew about the other woman and he didn't know I knew.

We hadn't spoken in 3 months but the other day I broke my silence. I discovered something that I had to email him about. Something to do with her. He finally acknowledged that he knows her and that it's not what I think. This woman has been a good friend to him. He ran into her and her boyfriend at a bar one night when we first split up and she was someone he could talk to that didn't know any of the parties involved. They have become good friends but he says it's not what I think. He has offered to talk to me about it in person.

He also says that the misses me and our family daily. He just couldn't stay and be miserable any longer. He often thinks about what we could do to get back together but he doesn't see a way. Our relationship was broken.

He has once again offered to be my friend. He says he wants to say the hell with me but can't get himself to do it. Although we haven't spoke he says I am still the most important person in the world to him. He has left everything he has to me and if he was on his death bed I would be the one he would want there with him.

I don't know what to do. I love him deeply and don't want to push him away again. This woman he is with if she isn't a friend is just a distraction I feel. Nothing serious. I have pushed him away so much and all he needed was companionship and a friend. Do I try to be his friend again? If I do it would be to ease things for my kids. They are happier when we communicate but can I do this without somewhere in my head thinking it may lead to us getting back together? Am I setting myself up for disappointment?

I don't know if I am in love with him any longer either. He has caused me and our kids a lot of hurt and I am angry but something keeps me tied to him. He is my family and in my heart. I can't imagine dating anyone else or introducing anyone to my kids. I need advice. I've seen many success stories here and would love feedback from the vets. I'm sure a lot of you are thinking geez woman it's been 10 years drop it. I want to drop it. I want to move on. Something in my heart won't let me.

[Cadet]

He just couldn't stay and be miserable any longer.
He often thinks about what we could do to get back together but he doesn't see a way.
Our relationship was broken.

So is he still miserable or did getting divorced magically cure him?

My guess he is still miserable and you didnt break him and can not FIX him.

Best to let him go and FIX himself cause you can't nake a new relationship from two broken people.

JMHO

[DFE]

Thanks Cadet.

You are correct. He is still miserable but says he thinks it's getting better. I am broken as well and have a lot of work to do on me. If he were to want to even come back right now I couldn't take it as I know it would fail again miserably. I just don't know if I try to be his friend or just go no contact. I know all he has wanted from me has been a connection but I have been shut down and unable to give him one.

I've been working on myself and am still working on myself. I just think that whether or not we ever get back together the healthiest thing for our kids would be for us to be friends and co-parent together. But I don't want him to be cake eating either. I think he wants a relationship but scared and doesn't see how the switch can magically flip and he can be in love with me again.

[dwh15]

Wow, 10 years? That's a very long time to hold that torch. I don't see an issue with being friends, but sounds like it's going to be hard for you to JUST be friends if you still have romantic feelings. Does he realize that he has issues and needs help? Is he willing to try going to an IC to help sort out his problems? I think that unless he acknowledges his own stuff and offers to take steps to fix it, you're probably better off w/o him. Otherwise, you're jumping back into the same old R you had before, and setting yourself up for even more heartbreak.

[Cadet]

He is still miserable but says he thinks it's getting better.

I am broken as well and have a lot of work to do on me.

I call BS on him that it is getting better.
What work has he done?

You have only been divorce for 6 months and now he is magically better?

I think you need some boundaries and need to see ACTIONS from him to prove that he is fixing himself.
Besides you may need some space to work on yourself!

I guess my point is if you were just meeting him today for the first time and had no kids together what would be your requirements?
Don't waive those just because of some other feelings.

You need to build a new relationship and what have you learned here about doing that?

[DFE]

I see what you are saying Cadet but I would think life has to be better for him now. He isn't tied down to a wife and kids. Sees his kids when it's convenient and the rest of the time he gets to focus on himself. He has ZERO financial responsibilities except for his own expenses and lots of cash from our divorce settlement. I would think life is great for him.

I agree we both have a lot of work to do. I am still very angry at him and I think he is angry at me. I just know by being angry at each other we will never get anywhere. AND it [censored] the energy out of me.

If I were to meet him today and not have kids with him or history I don't think I would date him let alone marry him. He isn't the man I met 21 years ago. The problem is he is the father of my children and someone I spent more than half of my life with so it changes things.

What boundaries do you suggest I set? Do we try being friends or just contact each other when it pertains to the kids? Ever since I emailed him the other day it has opened up the lines of communication again and he is now emailing and texting me about stuff again. Not sure how I feel about that........

[asitis]

Maybe it seems better to him now. I like some of the time I get to myself quite frankly. I know my W is enjoying getting her space. Does that mean we're happy?

What is the parenting arrangement? If he is able to just see the kids when he wants, then are you getting the time & space you need to grow and develop? If not, then that is something that you probably should address.

You have made changes to correct your faults. Has that worked? We all have done that. But what have you done for yourself? What kind of life is going to make DFE happy if he never does come back? What will make you interesting and attractive? Not as a W. He doesn't want that. That is clear. You've been trying to lure him w/ the better W lure. Sorry, that hasn't seemed to work for a long time. Has it?

You need to focus on being the person you are capable of being. A person that learns how to be happy regardless of an R. A person who is doing interesting things; things that give her life & spark. This has to be for you, not for your M, or it won't really work. You'll still be doing it for him, as if he can bring you happiness if you just get him back. Then what? Would this really make you happy? Really? If you haven't changed to make yourself happy why would you feel that this time he'll stick around?

The side benefit of learning to make yourself happy regardless of him, is that you just may grow back into that woman who attracts him back. We don't fall in love with an H or a W. We fall in love with a person. In this case he fell in love w/ a woman. You. That's the lure. Not W, but being a happy, interesting, attractive woman. Again, that is only the side benefit. It can't be the reason you do this. It has to be a genuine growth of you.

Sorry if I'm seeming a bit rough, but you seem resistant to hearing some of the good advice you've gotten. You seem to keep saying a variation on: "Thanks, but that's not what I want to hear, so try again but this time give me the key to unlock the puzzle." We can't. I know it is hard. I know it is painful. I know you really are scared to take your focus off him because you think he will slip further away. We all have had to work through that struggle. It will take time to do so. So, breathe. You are where you are and it's not like he can D you. So slow down and allow yourself to the time to digest the advice you're getting.

[DFE]

Asitis All Very good points. I like what you said and I totally agree. I still have a lot of work to do on me but like you said it hurts and the scared part of me starts to feel like I am drowning and try to hold onto anything I can.

I was on vacation last week and happened to meet a man from my area. He happens to be from my area and he slipped his number in my bag with a really sweet note. It reminded me of what it's like to be desired. So to answer your question the type of life that would make me happy would be to be with someone who wants to be with me. Who values me and cherishes me and sees me as the catch that I know I am.

You are right. My XH didn't want a wife. He wants that happy attractive woman and I want to be that woman again. I want to laugh and take life lightly. I am going to take your advice and breathe and relax and enjoy this period. I guess if we are meant to be we will be and I will have fun getting back to me.

Thanks I keep coming back on this forum because I just really need to hear this stuff sometimes to get me back to where my head needs to be.

This dating game though is so different than I remember it being. I text the guy last night and he never text me back. Apparently I should have waited for a few days before giving him my contact information. We will see what comes out of that but it felt so good to be liked and looked at as a woman. I'm feeling excited and it was so much easier to see my ex this morning.