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drpqb29 #2602804 08/30/15 12:45 PM
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Im sorry you are going through this it is test of your will your strenghts and every aspect of your feelings and emotions. Keep reading and trying to work what your learning into the situations that arise.

I would suggest validating his feelings that you were late stating you understand how that must have felt for him a reassure youll do better next time. Without using the word im sorry.

Actions speak louder than words so try to do what you can in replace of needing to be sorry. I can relate to what he saying here as ive said that to H before. My thought at the time was DONT need to be sorry about something and DO whatever it is that needs to be done correctly so you dont need to be sorry for it. Does that make sense? I see this more for repeated types of incidents not for singular occassions.

Another piece of advice im sure you've read.. put your game face on and shelve the attitude and emotions away to put your best foot forward when ever you see him. You can always break down later when by yourself.

I understand that by you being with him is difficult for you but he is saying he' s lonley. I see it as he could be looking to spend that time with someone else but he is reaching to you... just my thought. The other point of it though and im not clear by your post is he only seeking you out when the kids are involved or do you go out like a date just the two of you?

If he is seeking out togetherness with kids thats differnt in my opinion he wants help like a babysitter and no I wouldnt do that very often. He needs to see what its going to be like to have to do child rearing on his own. See what life without you there will really be like. An occassional family time if your going to do something really fun then yeah maybe.

If your invited and its just the two of you then I think I would muster up all my courage to go and be with him. Be fun light hearted and NO R talking. Dress to the nines and act as if you are the happiest most confidant woman in the world and smile ... fake it till you make it. And be the first to say I need to go now but this has been great , thank you.. leave him thinking youve got somewhere to be. Leave him wanting more.. advice here that ive been given on this forum ..

Good luck to you.. we are all pulling for you smile


Married 1991
D 23 GD 3
D 21
S 20
M 49
S 48
1st bomb 2008
2nd bomb 4/2015 same person
I fear those big words which make us so unhappy.
lonelee #2602810 08/30/15 01:12 PM
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In further thinking about your friends comment. I think you need to start this relationship over anyway and so why not start that with being friends. I know its not what you ultimately want but its the beginning of building a new better foundation. You dont want the same relationship you had anyway. You need a fresh start to build a new and improved relationship. smile


Married 1991
D 23 GD 3
D 21
S 20
M 49
S 48
1st bomb 2008
2nd bomb 4/2015 same person
I fear those big words which make us so unhappy.
drpqb29 #2602816 08/30/15 01:25 PM
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Originally Posted By: drpqb29
The court date is Nov 5. I am feeling anxiety about this. He wants to do it pro se, but I feel I need someone to look at the stuff. I found a mediator, now we need to contact with her.
. I'm by no means a lawyer. But I don't see any harm in you getting legal advice, whether through a mediator or your own L. You need to make sure to protect yourself.

That said, I wouldn't worry about the date. Being "divorced" doesn't change anything but the way you file your taxes. Won't change anything about the way you interact.

Originally Posted By: drpqb29
Because If the upcoming date, I found a great local resource for marriages in crisis and that does couple mentoring. They would do 8/10 sessions. I was hoping that H would give it a shot because what does he have to lose. We are already heading in that direction as well. We could work on mediation and mentoring until Nov 5. That was my thought process.

When I brought it up, H said that we are in different spots right now and that he doesn't understand why I keep doing this. I am making this all about me. I had ten years to figure out my issues for this marriage. I should be able to use my psychology degree for my issues (or something to that effect). He ask if this was about Sunday (when he invited me to dinner). I said no, it is about the last couple of weeks of being confused by his actions. I ask why he was inviting me to do things with him. He said he is alone with the kids most days and works from home, he is lonely. Sorry he was relying on me as a friend.

Unfortunately, this isn't surprising. I'm sure he sees this as you trying to work on your M. Just back off for now, I think.

Originally Posted By: drpqb29
As I am here crying like a fool, I said I can't be your friend right now. all that you do gives me hope and thinks you are feeling differently. I did say I want to be his wife not his friend. He said he knows.

That is basically how we ended the conversation.

I feel I have screwed up royally. I have read some of the boundaries thread. Is this a boundary issue?

Screw up? Yeah. So what? Learn from it and come back stronger. No problem with what you said at the end if you mean it. Just back off the pursuit, I think.

You got this!

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