M ... I'll try to get in and post .... You know how long winded I am ... While I was on vacation corporate did a scan on the computers and logged a few people's "excessive Internet" time , granted I wasn't here but I do post often from work so I figure it's best not to get caught .... So it's just checking and reading from the phone currently, at home it's tough to get any time on the laptop to post, don't want W finding out about DB
long story short the trip went well, towards the end things got a bit tense ...leveled off a bit now after we talked last night. It's strange ... Not sure if others at this point have been through this but along with the "new" changes I've noticed in her she will bounce back a bit, go from the old her to the new her... Seems she is still a bit off ... At times I think she still wants to be free and single but has a stronger pull to be a mom and wife again .... Feels like she is struggling to find the balance
I'll try to post a bit more ... Just hate doing so from the phone ... All in all the trip was amazing, there were a couple really good connection type moments .... We drove almost 2000 miles total, she would often have to go to the bathroom and insist I go along as she joked it would be easy to leave her out in the boonies ... I hope to do a full write up soon
Hope all is well with everyone ... Sorry I have not been as active
Cali, I'm glad the vacation went well. As for her bouncing back and forth from old self to new self...that's very normal until they are fully integrated. She's still got a few months of feeling comfortable in her own skin to go. Please be patient a while longer (that is, if you can hold on for a bit). I'm sending you a brand spanking new patience shovel to help out.
Keep those expectations very low and try not to analyze her every move or comment. She's still growing up.
Take care of yourself.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
I'm glad things went well for you. You deserve it!
M: 38 W: 37 T: 20 M: 19 Kids: Stepson?20, S19, S16, D12 BD: 02/19/2015 (She moved out) PA Confirmed: 02/22/2015 (She is now living with OM) Dazed and confused: 09/13/2015
So figured I would try to update since it has been forever and a day. I cannot log on from work anylonger but maybe I have found an alternative way to atleast post ... sneaky sneaky.
The Trip:
As I may have metioned a few times, my W never has dealt with stress very well, along with that she is a type 'A' so stress and control are 2 things that have been old M issues, along with the medical issues she brings at times things can become somewhat challenging. So to avoid this I made a very concerted effort to eliminate alot of these things during the trip. I drove pretty much the entire time .... not a big deal as I actually enjoy that part. I did not allow her to carry any of the luggage to the rooms to avoid her messing up her neck which has been an issue over the past several months. I consistently made stops along the way .. food, bathroom, walking just to get us out of the car and moving around (Huge 180 for me ... I am a get in and get there type of traveler). All this really seemed to help quite a bit for the 10 days we were gone. We headed out, hit the typical LA traffic but once we got past that mess I was playing around with the radio and found an 80's station ... W was bouncing around, re-living the old times .... talking about her youth and things she would do ... she was genuinely happy. The first 3-4 days went pretty well... especially for me personally. I was in a good place, at peace .. PMA was up ... everything was going smooth. Was about the third night I joked with W we should conserve water and shower together (Being in the same room with S made any hanky panky kinda tough) it was more a light hearted flirt but she actually winked and said sure. Was nice... I did find myself washing her, and actually thought of it like I was washing the OM off her .. even caught myself by surprise with that thought ... we just played around a bit but it was nice being somewhat 'intimate'. Lots of sight seeing followed, 2 days/nights in SF, did a bay tour, Chinatown, Lombard Street, all that stuff. Left there and headed north to the Redwoods. First day was amazing, did the drive through tree, I made it a point to read W's body language on the drive and could tell when she wanted to get out and set up her camera ... I would take S and we would explore a bit ... he LOVED it. A few nights there .. W asked if I wanted to shower with her .. so we played around a little bit but there was a little accident .. however I kind of spun, thoughts of OM, insecurities and frustration and I had a tough time shaking it. W however was different about this ... there was a tenderness aobut her, as we got ready for dinner she pulled me aside tole me 'ILYVM' and I told her I just needed a bit to calm down .... I would meet her down at the car when she was ready. She came down ... this was kind of different, she did her hair up like she used to when we were dating, told me she wanted to try something different... that night at dinner, alot of attention from her. We spent a few days up in the redwoods .. made some unexpected stops and found some cool thigns along the way ... on the way back, exhausted from the trip there was a bit of a backslide ... W and I got into it a little bit in the car and there were some of the old nasty fight type stuff tossed out at each other ... we did talk it out, even laughed but it was there ... that cloud of uncertanty I think .. for both of us, even some "I am not sure about this/us and where its all going" from us both. After that 'incident' I noticed W kind of went back to a mini MLC .. hard to explain but ... hiding the cell phone, she disconectted email and FB from the iPad (I could access her account from there) .... I fought the urge off for that week to snoop on her phone, and just decided to DB a bit. To add to things, her car was dead when we got back ... I fixed it but she does not trust driving it so I told her to use my car and I would ride the Harley to work and back ... this means she is dropping off and picking up S.. I actually miss my time with S on pick ups, and seems to add a bit of stress with W along with her sharing her 'cycle' is 'off' due to the new job and the other ladies evidently cycle at a different time. (I really would LOVE for someone to explain this phenomeneon to me one day of how a group can alter the 'cycle') Anyways.... I did my GALs ... spent alot of time with S and just continued to go about my days, I was nice and cordial to her without pursuing. Was about a week of that and she brought up how she did not like the distance she felt with me. We talked some ... again .. I continued to stay on my path. Seems like the past couple days she has snapped out of it ... sending me TM, and emails ... letting me know her schedule and where she is going to be. She volunteered for S's Class Parent, which I think will be good for her. I have been focused on doing alot around the house ... things that typically I did not do that would bother her .. small 180's if you will. This past Saturday we did not have a sitter for the last Retrouvaille Post session, I told W I would take S and run much needed errands ... figured she would do the same, but she surprised me and went to the Post Session without me ... I did not think she would do that, guess I am still not trusting this completely.
So that was pretty much the past couple weeks lumped into one. I had not gone to church for 2 weeks ... amazing how badly that affected me, going yesterday really felt like a battery re-charge and brought me back to center and at peace.
Hi Cali, I'm glad you guys had an overall good trip. Sure it sounds as though there were a couple of trickier moments. But actually, that was a big trip - particularly after a LT separation and so on. So, I think that's all pretty positive.
I'm not surprised your W retreated a little after that. It's all quite a bit to take on board, you know? But it sounds as though you are being honest about how you feel and giving her a little space and time to process things too.
The only thing that raised a concern with me was the changed behaviour with the IT. Has that reversed now my friend??
xx
T 13 M 7 Me 48 H 46 SS 15 BD 7.14 PA D final 5.16 (H filed)
We receive & we lose, and must try to achieve gratitude & embrace with whole hearts whatever of life that remains after the losses - Dubus
Yeah I felt the same, all in all the trip was great...and the little tiff was just that ... The memories made will flood that small blip out completely I think
As far as the IT goes... I'm assuming you meant the full transparency , I can still open her phone, I've chosen not to just because I've had enough time to accept OM is gone... Still NC since Apr 24 that along with me not wanting to spend any energy snooping and digging .... Besides she has not done anything to really make me think otherwise to this point
Hey stranger. Happy to read your update. I think the trip sounds like it went really well. I have been up North and it's absolutely beautiful. It is a trip I too want to take my son on. Did you camp? Did you hike Fern Canyon by any chance? That hike is imprinted on my brain forever, just beautiful.
It sounds to me like you are making progress. I am really happy to read your W went to the post session on her own. That's pretty cool I say!
I suppose during those tiffs, it must be hard to not think, this isn't going to work, but eventually you will need to accept a tiff as a tiff, not a done deal. I am sure it's just part of the process you are working through?
As far as our female cycles, you almost made me spit my wine out! Lucky for me, I have always been on a birth control with a set cycle, but I have been told that I mess up other women's cycles, so it must be real. Somehow, our hormones cause this to happen. Pretty crazy, huh? It's real fun being a woman sometimes
You sound good Cali. We missed you around here. I get the whole work thing, I can only post at home. So update us when you can and keep up the good work my friend!
Me 48 H 46 S 11 M 2004 BD 8/13 H moved out 2/15 -live in the present, enjoy the beauty around and within you, explore your new future-
