Hi 4 - Sunny is right. Many cheaters ML with LBS....because they can! Not because they want to reconcile. Actually they want to have both. They don't want to have to decide - A or B. They want to keep a foot in each camp. That will continue if you let it. But it's up to you if you want to draw a line under it. No-one is forcing you to stay as the third point on a triangle. And if a triangle remains in place, things may take longer to resolve.
Please stick with codependent no more. Whilst there may be something of a focus on alcohol, the patterns are relevant in a range of scenarios. I think it comes down to this basic principle of remaining bound to someone, even if it is having a destructive impact on you....and in your situation I think it will be helpful to explore that. I hope you will be able to drop the 'need to win him back' approach and delve behind it - what makes me want to 'win' this R back when in many ways it hasn't been good for me.
Also, with the help stuff - just take it slow and steady. Don't get overwhelmed with too much information. Explore something, post how it relates to your situation, get some feedback. Read some more stuff, post some more etc.....baby steps forward.
Keep on moving forward 4 - it's tough, but you are doing really well xx
T 13 M 7 Me 48 H 46 SS 15 BD 7.14 PA D final 5.16 (H filed)
We receive & we lose, and must try to achieve gratitude & embrace with whole hearts whatever of life that remains after the losses - Dubus
Hi sunny I Am sticking with it! I have to workbook too! Should I just read those chapters assigned or read through then Do the work book?! I will try my best to not become overwhelmed
Well responded to his text 3 hours later convo went like this H: can you pick me up a few gaskets from parts store H 3 hours later nevermind got one thanks anyways! M: I would have gotten them H:got one no big deal M: sorry I was busy (not true at all)
Got home quiet as a mouse taking a nap then races! He always says I can't treat him bad and think everything is ok the next day so he can't treat me bad and think it's all ok!
I was surprised Thursday night I got home after he was already asleep didn't figure he would say anything about it as he continues to make it clear we r just friends he doesn't care blah blah! Seems he does a little he asked what time I got HOME!? I simply gave a vague time 11 or so I didn't pay much attention! Mystery???
4...I want you to reread this thread from start to finish, then give me an estimate of what % is involving WAH.
I know that you have to vent about this somewhere, and there are times when you need guidance on how to be your best self in tricky spots. Several posters however are challenging you to post things about just YOU.
For example...what you have learned about yourself from the CD no more book. What you're afraid of that leads you to controlling anger. Cycles that you've found yourself in and why, things you're doing to reshape your thoughts and behavior.
Time for a new thread. I'm not saying you can't mention H's name, but if you do as I've suggested and reread your thread you might see what we're talking about and spend more time looking no further than the tip of your nose.
Me:38 XW:38 T:11 years M:8 years Kids: S14, D11, D7 BD/Move out day: 6/17/14, D final Dec 15
4my, you need not do anything, that is creating resistance in you. Make a choice to change instead. In your posts replace the word 'need' with 'choose'. It is very Empowering as a word, the change sounds trivial but it really will help. I would like you to replace the word need in post above with chose to and repost it. And feel the difference in strength.
My lovely WH is using a tactic called Triangulation, this is when a third party is involved creating a Triangle of relationships. It's a tactic used by some cheaters who set OP and their S against each other. (And in other ways). This dynamites the R between the two other parties and WH steps back, enjoying the ego boost.
It clearly works for your WH as he repeats the behaviour. If you stop cake eating then WH will still need the dynamic and likely find OW2 to continue. This makes him feel important and gives him ego strokes. Sex is a temporary fix to make WH feel something, anything, to fill his empty soul. The trouble is it's like a bucket with a hole, poring more water in isn't going to stop the leak.
If you are getting something from the sex great, don't beat yourself up. But it isn't a committed R as it is.
There are a number of parallels to Liitle1 sitch, she is struggling in a similar way to detach. If you read her threads you may read some similarities. It may help to read another's struggles.
Please ensure you get your sexual health checked when I discovered my WH was a cheater with OWs, I did so very recently and its important.
V
Last edited by Vanilla; 08/09/1511:32 AM.
Freedom is just another word for nothing left to loose. V 64, WAW
I choose to be a good example for them teach them they don't have to deal with the BS!
I choose to teach myself I deserve better than this!
I choose to teach him I can be a better person the women he once fell deeply in love with! It's going to be an easy road because I choose to find support.
I choose to be a person that was strong easy going and happy now I choose no longer to be controlling hurtful and sad, in fact I will be free, mindful and at peace.
Time to turn it around!
Sounds good on paper now I choose to take action! --------------------------------
I didn't want to disturb your new thread, so I chose to ................
V
Last edited by Vanilla; 08/09/1511:50 AM.
Freedom is just another word for nothing left to loose. V 64, WAW
