The book of Lou - Chapter 4

[job]

Lou,
I know we always tend to say "let them come to us", but in your case, maybe it's time to start communicating w/him just a wee bit more. He seems to need that contact from you at the moment.

Also, I would drop him a line and again ask about the holiday. You need to know so that you can make your ticket reservations. It's not being pushy, it's been practical for you at this time.

Sometimes we have to try different things to see what works. In your case, maybe it's time to start doing some 180's to see how he responds. Time to try something new.

BTW, I'm sorry you feel like a lodger in your own home. I can understand your desire to move and also the job issue. When it becomes too much and you come home tired and beat and do not enjoy the time you spend on your job, then it's time to start looking.

Good luck!

[Sotto]

Hi Lou, I'm glad to see an update from you; I've been wondering how you were getting along. I agree with Job that I don't see the harm in reaching out and keeping in touch that little bit more - and just gauging the response. You can always do a gradual thing and pull back a little if your H doesn't come back to you. He's given you that feedback, so it seems reasonable to adjust your approach I think. I take the push comment to mean that he would like to hear from you a little more....not to push things along as such - but just be 'there' and 'in touch' on a light basis a little more often. To me, push means trying to move things along to the next stage, which I would avoid right now.

Interesting that he didn't come back to you on the trip though. I wonder if he perhaps feels a little overwhelmed with that one? I agree though - you have plans to make and if you can ask with no expectations and then make your plans - that all seems fine to me.

Sorry things have been challenging at work and home. So, what are your plans for January....do you plan to move back to the area where H is? I can see the merit in not being a plane ride away if you are slowly trying to reconnect. I guess my note of caution is that he is still digging within himself to deal with things (which is great) and is saying he doesn't have much to offer romantically right now. And I think fair enough on his part to be that honest.

If you do plan to move and it suits you to move - might it be best to do it under your own steam and plan to live independently but closer - and see how that goes? ie; making plans for a life for you in the area and hoping that you and he may also reconnect further? It strikes me that you are at an early pre-piecing stage, where you have started to reconnect, but all still quite tentative, with him sounding pretty fragile - albeit willing in time....timid squirrel.

Just my thoughts anyway Lou....and of course I am no vet - just dealing with the twists and turns of life as best I can.

Take care and good luck with your plans xx

[HaWho]

Hi LouR - Good to hear from you. Sorry things are rough at work.

It sounds like your husband is trying to communicate his needs, which is a healthy thing!

You show tremendous kindness and patience towards him.

Thinking of you and sending you positive karma.

[bttrfly]

I'm glad you've updated as I've been wondering what's up in your world and how you are doing.

So, my thoughts are that he has asked you to contact him more frequently, so it's ok to do the 180 from what you've been doing and start contacting him more frequently.

Re: the trip - I have no idea if this is right or wrong, but I wonder if you couldn't call him on the phone rather than text/email? The reason I say have an actual conversation is that it is SO easy to misinterpret texts/emails. You get more info on phone and even more on skype or facetime. Maybe text him and ask if he is open to a phone call or skype session to discuss the travel dates? Any DB Vets think that's a bad idea?

I'm sorry everything is messy. I know the feeling well. It's very uncomfortable, and I would wish you peace somewhere in your life, dear Lou. I'm glad you've made the decision to leave the job. Update the resume now while you're there - start a list at work of what you do and add a little more to it while you are there at the end of every day - kind of like a journal of what you did that day. That way you'll remember everything when you do the actual updating on your off time. Make sense?

I'm sorry your home isn't feeling like yours any longer try to carve out some personal time for yourself.

Hang in the Lou - you're in my thoughts and prayers xoxoxo

[LouR]

Thanks for your responses.

bttrfly - h does not like to phone/skype at this time as texting gives him time to formulate his replies. This crisis has really affected his head and he cant think as fast and as clear as he used to. He find sit hard to put things in to words, so texting/emailing gives him the time to work it out.

So I asked him about me visiting next weekend - he said he had thought about it and yes he would love to see me, but could we meet elsewhere because its come out that where he now lives could be compounding his guilt issue when with me - the therory is that he has created 18months of negative history so having me come to the place where he made it triggers the guilt feelings.

All was going ok, but then he started to backtrack and it all became too difficult - it turns out that he booked a trip away to meet up with his old work buds, he now cant afford to come away and meet me to, plus s21 is away next weekend so cant look after the dogs, plus it would be the 2nd weekend in a row he would have been asked to do it. Then h got the guilt on himself as I had asked him weeks ago before his trip with the boys came up, and he feels he has let me down, plus feels that I should be his priority, more guilt. Then it was guilt about disappointing me. Then we got to him not looking forward to his boys trip any longer - to which I replied, that I am sure once he is with them all he will have a great time.

I did come up with another option of us finding a place nearer to him and taking the dogs with us - but looking at flights for me, renting a cottage and fuel to get there, the cost for one night is a much as a week away abroad now, as we left it too late so prices gone up.

If I cant visit him or entertain the idea of moving to the same place so we can at least see each other more often, then until he gets to a place in himself where he can shut the door on his history and start a new life as a new man in a new place then I cant see how this is going to work out. Another hurdle to overcome ....which if we really want it to, we will.

I agree job, things need to have a change up - he said his therapist told him that he got into a relationship to avoid having to deal with his issues, so it was never going to work as he was in denial. He understands now that this was not another "failed" relationship per say, it was one that would have never worked out. H said that whilst he is doing what is best for him, he is also doing what he feels is best for me, he does not want him to live an altered life to please someone else as it does not work as we have found out.

He also said that his therapist agrees that he does not need to talk about this with anyone else outside them, as his feelings and thoughts may all be transient, so it may be a needless conversation that only causes confusion and pain for all parties. Until he knows what is staying and what is going and what he is prepared to live with, then he would like us not to discuss his current issues. Once he knows what and who he is then he will talk to me about it.

I feel that I need to put him to background again, just carry on as best I can, not putting the pressure on a having a r with him. He knows what I want and where I stand, so I have done all I can for now. He is going to discuss my current situation with his therapist, so that he can advise me of whether I should include or disclude him for any near future plans I am making (job change, move etc).

So looks like we wont get to meet up, but thats ok, I was really disappointed at first and felt like yes I was not a priority for him, especially as I asked him well before the boys did, but I realise that it is a part of his life he would also like to encourage and a happy h is a better h for me. I have not put the guilt on about it, I hope that he had a good time so it gives him a boost. It will be next weekend when he knows he should have been spending it with me that will give him a down time I expect.

He could come up to me in the next few weeks, he could see s18 and then spend a day with me, he suggested it as an option - I have left this one alone as I have not told him our weekend is not going to happen yet - speaking to him tomorrow. Will see if he suggests it again.

This really is going to be a long road, I suppose I did not get my head around this properly. The not being able to visit him let along move nearer has been a kicker for me.

[Sotto]

Hi Lou, I'm sorry the visit didn't work out, and that plans for moving may also change. I can understand your disappointment, but I also think you handled things really well.

I do see many positives with your sitch. It sounds as though the therapy for your H is helpful and he is genuinely gaining new insight from that. From my perspective, it will be so good for him to work through all of this. And I think that would probably be more difficult with trying to rebuild your R into the mix.

That said, he ultimately sounds committed to doing this - albeit not on the timescales you might have started hoping for. It is important to remember that he is still in crisis. And whilst it sounds to me as though the replay stage has ended - what follows needs to be some serious introspection to understand why he 'ran' in the first place.

For now, I would keep looking after Lou as your number one priority and keep the comms channels open with H. Accept and be glad for what you have now and enjoy the things you have in life today. In the longer term, you and H may both feel ready for some serious rebuilding, but he has some work to do on himself first and I'm glad he realises this.

Take care my friend - you are doing really, really well xx

[job]

Lou,
I totally agree w/what Sotto posted. You have to remember that he's not on the same timescale that you are. His clock is very, very slow and it took years for him to go into crisis and it will take a while for him to come out the other end. Therapy is helping him and I hope he remains committed to working on himself.

For now, keep the focus on you and what you need to do to find a new place and a new job.

Take care!

[mleigh4]

Great post Sotto. I agree with it all.

The therapy your H is getting sounds terrific and I like that he is sharing it with you. I too am sorry it's all not moving quickly enough, we sure see that time and time again!

It sounds like you are on the right track and are doing well. Hang in there, I see so much positive in your sitch and hope that your H is working well through his issues.

[LouR]

Thank you so much Sotto, job and Mleigh. reading your messages was the boost I needed today

I spoke with h this evening - trying to condense an 1 1/2hr phone call into a post is not going to happen so will give you the key parts.

We have decided that spending so much money on what is ultimately a 30hr visit is silly. He very much wants to see me again but would rather wait until we can have more time together. We discussed when my next time off will be and its been decided he will come to me for 4 days - Arriving Christmas Eve so we will be spending Christmas together. He will drive up and bring the dogs, s18 will be here with his g/friend, so I will ask s21 if he wants to come up to.I had to mention its the sofa or my bedroom and he said my bedroom if that's ok, but how were we going to explain to s18 (our boys don't know about me and h being anymore than separated parents that weirdly talk alot!!) I said s18 wont think anything of it, in fact it prob would not surprise him at all, he thinks our relationship is "the most bizarre split on the planet"

He said it will also give him a few more weeks in therapy so hopefully will be a bit further ahead in himself.

We talked my future plans and came up with something that fits with us both, which gives him the space he needs and me the direction I need.

So the plan as it stands (which is always subject to change on this journey !!) is that I will try stick my job out until mid feb. I have a girls holiday planned for the end of Feb. Then I will go to the UK for a couple of months, I feel I need to draw a line under the UK and know that I am living in NZ because I want to, not because h is here or my kids are here - but because I choose to be here for myself and to be with them. (to give background, I came to NZ because h got offered a job and we thought why not, I was not that keen to leave my newly started job and friends, but it meant a lot to h and I always have followed him to wherever he went, this have been an issue for me without really knowing it was. I now need to close this door to move forwards with h). I will then return to NZ and move to the South Island to where a dear g/friend lives, its about 5hr drive from h, which means logistics for seeing each other will be easier, this will hopefully get more regular until we are ready to make it more permanent. H is hoping (and this is not set in stone, I know this, I won't be holding him to it, this process will take as long as it takes) that by the time his rental lease is up in Sept next year he would like to be at the point of us starting afresh somewhere new, together. Its not the time frame that surprised me, its the fact he has thought about all this - just goes to show that we have no idea what they think about !!

He opened up a bit more about what he has been thinking about and what he wants to change within himself, he said he does not want to discuss some things with me yet as he may not need to, which is fine by me. I told him there are things I don't wish to discuss with him yet either, but may do one day, or their importance may disappear, he said he feels the same way.

H had a really good weekend which I am so happy about. He said he did talk to one of the boys that he knows has reconciled with his partner after a break and told them he and I are trying to work things out - in fact, get this , he had told him a few months ago when they met up for another jolly weekend .....so they talked about it and h asked his friend for his advice on how to make it work, his friend told him that is the best thing he ever did, his relationship is much better and stronger now, but it takes a lot of communication and hard work, they have tough times still but its worth it. Great for h to hear.

Today has been a good day. I went to the pub with my g/friend, was sober driver on this occasion, but still a nice way to spend an afternoon. Spoke to h early evening and then went to my g/friends for dinner.

I don't want to waste my holidays so I have will have to think of a few nice things to do. 5 days to go .....

Thanks for reading. Onwards and Forwards I go