When he reaches out to you and does things w/you like a rational individual, you begin to let your guard down and forget that he's still evolving. Your h has a ways to go before he's completely out of the tunnel and feels comfortable in his own skin. He's going to have ups and downs and slip down the slippery slope quite a few times before it's over with. What do you do? Detach, keep your expectations at zero at all times. If he does something nice, let him know it, but don't expect him to be 100% all of the time...it's not going to happen for quite a while.
It's one step forward, two steps back until they are fully integrated and healed.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
I believe he is spinning and processing as well. I also think these times call for no expectations. H seems to be in and out, give him that space when he needs it and remember, it's not about you.
Unfortunately, things are on his terms right now....in a way...but don't need to be. What I mean is, live your life and make those plans. If he joins, great, if only for a bit, definitely an effort, if not, so be it. No expectations is key to doing things your way on your terms. Then the disappointments and frustrations fade. I can only say, it has worked well for me.
Me 48 H 46 S 11 M 2004 BD 8/13 H moved out 2/15 -live in the present, enjoy the beauty around and within you, explore your new future-
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Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
Sotto and Job-thank you. You are right. You nailed it. More detaching. I did it Frisay and Saturday but couldn't today.
Meanwhile one other issue I have is with MIL. She has some inkling that something is off. She was sniffing that something was wrong w/H as he fell off the planet with his FOI. She kept asking me and I kept saying everything is fine. But in May she confirmed something was off w/H by calling him and asking something and then calling me minutes later and receiving a different answer.
She confronts me saying she knows H is off and asks what is going on with him. I give a little info-that he is in a funk and working through it.
Her answer is horrifying. She tells me he was born angry and that I should pack my bags and leave him. I spent months reeling from that. She is the root of 99% of this. She has learned nothing. She owns none of it and her comment was an insult.
Had she said nothing or "I am so sorry you are going through this" I would have given her a pass. But I know the kinds of things she did and H was not born this way.
She dropped out of my solar system (another blow as she always checked in with me) and texted me once a month, maybe. Always: how are the kids? Me: Fine! How are you?
Never a question about H. This gave me more compassion for H.
Last week she texts that she has not talked to me in a while and asks me to call her sometime. And here is where the struggle is. She will ask how H is. And I want to tell her politely that H is working through childhood issues. I want to do this to cue her that H was not born angry. He was an emotional and physical target in his own own home while still in diapers.
I know this will not solve a thing. But by saying nothing I feel like I am agreeing that H was just born this way. To what end though? To punish an old woman for something she did 45 years ago? But then I feel I am not defending my H. I feel like I paint this guy as just struggling along for no reason and that's not fair or honest either.
Me 41, H 47, M 15 yrs, S11, S13 BD 1: 11/4/14 we work on it; really I pretzel myself BD 2: 3/31/15 H goes down to "dorm room" 8/15: H back to MBR 10/15: H back in dorm room 1/18: H files, now divorced
I know this will not solve a thing. But by saying nothing I feel like I am agreeing that H was just born this way. To what end though? To punish an old woman for something she did 45 years ago? But then I feel I am not defending my H. I feel like I paint this guy as just struggling along for no reason and that's not fair or honest either.
Family is always the hardest part, if you ask me
The key here is to learn how to deal with her in a positive manner. To stick by your H. Why? Who else will and it is what you signed up for. You are the perfect person to do it. And I think you'll find, way down the line, that sticking by him is the absolute best answer. And let's face it, he needs you to be in his corner even if he doesn't know it.
But as I mentioned, you'll need to do so in a positive, detached way. If she asks (you don't know for sure that she will - they'll surprise you with what they do or don't do) keep it simple and direct and maybe let her know that you and he have private things. (i.e. none of her business).
As for your anger and confusion - you do expect that right? It's not a surprise? I understand the feelings, but there's a bigger picture. I see compassion in your posts too. I think I see why and I agree with you (if that helps). But take job's advice to heart. That looks spot on to me. And try to remember that this is a point in time; nothing more than that. They won't stay the same forever, you can count on that.
As for you, when you look back - what is it you want to see about yourself? What kind of spouse do you want to be?
If it helps I know plenty of people who were in your shoes and were able to work through it. They don't talk about it years later, so many don't know that they went through it. Hang in there!
AJ
"Our lives begin to end the day we become silent about things that matter" MLK Put the glass down... "Yesterday I was clever so I wanted to change the world Today I am wise, so I am changing myself."
Please start a new thread. This one is going to lock very soon because you have over 100 postings/replies.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
