I feel like an emotional wreck and behaving like a teenager who is having a tantrum! I would have thought that after 6 months being apart he'd have shown some remorse, and apologise even if he doesn't want to come back!
I pushed him as I asked him to put me out of my misery and I texted him this weekend that I wanted him to file for divorce. So yes I brought it on myself and now will have to deal with consequences.
Work has been fine and very supportive, but their view is that as I have been cheated on I deserve better. One of them said I was clinging onto him for a security net. I think she is right.
There is one thing about my STBXH is that when he is pushed to the limit he gets angry and cuts everyone off! He did this for his dad last year (still not talking & no contact with him what's so ever). So I know he'll file for divorce. He is so vile with his ex-parner.
He said that what he does of his weekend is his business. He also told me he wasn't with her. His housemate on Saturday told me that he was away with someone, and that he is hardly ever there in the evening.
I only asked if he was away with someone and not the rest. I packed all the rest of his stuff and chucked it on his housemate lawn. So yes you could say that I completely lost it and done everything wrong.
Now feel foolish and stupid. I'm now realising that I'm a drama queen. I can't do things rationally. I react very rapidly to everything and who would want to come back to that. Each time I'm badly stressed and something had happens I cry. Can't control it! Not an adult behaviour for someone of 40!
Remember Rouky that your husband is the one who had the affair. Also he has shown no intention of breaking off the affair. I am not a psychologist but I think a little bit of anger toward him is pretty healthy. None of us are on our best behavior when we are under stress and I would guess that you are under a tremendous amount of it. I would also keep in mind that nothing that you did today caused your husbands poor behavior.
Take a deep breath and get back on task and try to focus on finding happiness within yourself and your children. You are fantastic and you can do this. Pulling for you and praying for peace.
M:53 W:47 M:15 years. S:18 S's: 30 & 28 from previous marriage. BD: 3/14 Divorced January 17.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
"Now feel foolish and stupid. I'm now realising that I'm a drama queen. I can't do things rationally. I react very rapidly to everything and who would want to come back to that. Each time I'm badly stressed and something had happens I cry. Can't control it! Not an adult behaviour for someone of 40!"
Hi Rouky, I understand your anger - truly I do. Equally you recognise that your response above wasn't what you wanted from yourself. It's true - I can't recall the part in BB/DR where MWD says - dump their posessions on the lawn
I also think there is some unhelpful self-talk going on above - I'm a drama queen. I can't do things rationally. Can't control it....You can reframe all of these things...What I did was dramatic. I can learn to control my impulses and learn to react in a more rational way.
From what you describe, you were in 'child state' when you dumped his stuff. Much of DBing is about getting ourselves into 'adult state' about our sitch and when interacting with our WAS's. Have you read Eric Berne, Games People Play? It sounds as though a key thing for you is learning to slow down and manage your emotions when something challenging happens.
Can you also see that when you are doing what you describe, you are 'poking the bear' - acting in some way (asking him to file for D, dumping his stuff) and seeking a reaction - good or bad. Then after you have done this, you regret and worry about it. But if you want to, it's a pattern you can change for sure.
By the way, I think the crying part is fine. It is natural to feel grief when your H is unfaithful. It's a devastating experience. And crying is a cleansing, healing activity. However, it is best if you can grieve away from your H at this point.
Best thing is to learn from your own regrets and move forwards as the person you want to be/become through this current period of challenge.
I'm sure you'll get there, but it does take time. Good luck to you, Sotto x
Last edited by Sotto; 09/09/1511:57 AM.
T 13 M 7 Me 48 H 46 SS 15 BD 7.14 PA D final 5.16 (H filed)
We receive & we lose, and must try to achieve gratitude & embrace with whole hearts whatever of life that remains after the losses - Dubus
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
