Your last question was "do I believe him?" I said you know the answer. Then I made one comment I hope stuck with you- you're hoping he changes so you don't have to.
But you do have to change. You control more than you know. You control everything that matters: You. Do you control your H, or whether he'll want to be with you in the future? No, and from THAT lens feel helpless. But you control how you respond, and from THAT lens you'll feel powerful.
One source of fear is trying to control things we can't control. Whenever you feel that way ask yourself, what are my options from here? How do I think I should respond? Then try to focus on THAT. When you focus more on things you CAN control you'll feel empowered instead of terrified.
As to how your WAH acts, you have the power to respond how you want. If you were walking down the street and a crazy man ran up to you and started screaming at you about how you stole his pet ostrich, would you let him upset you? I mean, he's crazy. You'd walk away and move on. You're CHOOSING to continue to put tremendous weight into the words and actions of a WAS in an open A. Why? I'll say it one more time, because you think IF ONLY HE WOULD CHANGE THEN IT WOULD BE OK.
Maybe it helps for a reality check. Even if he DID change, and become a perfect H, and recommit...you'd STILL have problems in your M and would feel horrible and potentially suicidal much of the time, because...here it comes...a man can't save you from yourself.
So instead of looking at this as a problem of him leaving you, and if he'd just come back it would be all better...time to look at it as a problem of you neglecting yourself, and trying really hard to control those around you to take care of you instead, accepting unacceptable levels of abuse if only they would fill the hole inside of you, and panicking at the thought that you will be left to do that on your own.
While I hate D's and A's as much as anyone on here, this is your GOLDEN opportunity to look in the mirror and decide that you can no longer put your own emotional caretaking in another person's hands. Listen, I get it, it's a romantic idea that love means you take care of me and I take care of you...but you've got 30 years of proof that it doesn't work. Do you need 30 more years or are you a believer? You're as addicted to his taking care of you as he is to his PA. Who's going to break this cycle if you don't?
Love still exists, it exists from a mutual choice from two people that can care for themselves that choice to love each other. I know that's scary too, you think no one would ever choose to love you because you're broken and unlovable and so you are clinging to this loser because you think he's such a degenerate he'll NEED to love you because no one else will love him back...you went to the bottom and found someone you thought was 'safe' because he'd never leave...
So now that you know that, this can be the point in your life where you decide to step up to the challenge of taking care of yourself. That means firing him as a person in charge of your well being, and coping with his BS by refocusing on what you can control...your reactions. So specifically- what are you doing to improve your self care? What are you doing to become financially and emotionally independent?
I'd recommend writing this out on a notecard and referring back regularly:
Only I am responsible for my emotional wellbeing I can't control my H, but I am in total control of myself The problem isn't my M breaking up, my problem is I am too dependent on my M With this in mind, I feel my best response is to _____
Then do it!
PS- you asked about threads to read. I had and probably still have some CD issues. If you read through my first few threads you'll see I had a lot of insight along these lines. In fact, that's why I hesitate to post too much with you...you were so enthusiastic about my 'help' that I was afraid I'd fall into some rescuer cycle and start needing you to need my help so I'd feel important. Yeah, I'm a little snake bit still. I'm in your corner, but want you to be strong on your own.
Take care, and keep giving your best. You're on the right road for sure.
Me:38 XW:38 T:11 years M:8 years Kids: S14, D11, D7 BD/Move out day: 6/17/14, D final Dec 15
HI Zeus! You are right I do know the answer! No I should not believe him. They are never honest at this time! Its just so hard because he is so consistent.
I never really considered the lens thing but after reading it I applied it. I have bounced between sad he has yet to make plans to hang out with me like he said he would this week to im ok with it because I should have 0 expectations. So here have been the bouncing thoughts. Sad/hurt that he does not make time for me to I have control of this because I can sit at home a mope about it and cancel my plans to I can go out with my friend for dinner and shopping come home and go to bed or I can go out to the garage and spend time with him while he gets what he needs done also. I can not make him hang out with me, make plans, or sit and watch tv I can only control me and my choices. So I went out with my friend came home got on here and then I will go outside with him for half an hour and PMA and pretend it does not bother me.
I am also liking the 0 expectations. I usually have high expectations and of course he never meets them. So all day today I have reminded myself no expectations. So when he made dinner last night, cleaned up the house, and did laundry last night I had 0 expectations of anything getting done so i could kindly text him this morning telling him thank you for all the things you did instead of being mad he left me a list of stuff to buy and told me to hang out laundry. I was happy for the things he did do because it was above my 0 line. Also when I got home from store with everything I reminded myself of the 0 expectations for helping carry stuff in and I was much less upset he of course did as expected! 0!!! Now hopefully I can continue with these thoughts. I call that success day number 3!
I have to break the cycle one baby step at a time. When it was worded I have spent 30 years realizing what does not work do I still want to do it my answer was NO! I do not want to continue this pattern but again I am scared. I will conquer that fear though. I can not continue living like this. IF it can not be a healthy relationship I do not need it! I need to keep reminding myself of that!
Self care: I am going out at least one time a week. I am going to start doing game night once a week with the girls and movie night another. I want to be a better mom and enjoy more time with the kids. I have also bought myself a few things. I will not likely be attending IC this month due to a cost of 140.00 a session because I declined insurance at work and am hoping to get government health care as I could not afford health insurance through work! fingers crossed!
Emotional independence: Still struggling but I think today helped me prove I do not NEED him to be happy I had a great time out with my friend.
Financial Independence: I am working 20 extra hours this week. It [censored] but we will see how much extra I make! I am planning to put anything extra made on top of what I budget into savings.
You and everyone else's advice on here has been very helpful. I do not want you to fall back into that role either. I do of course get insight from what you write and you seem to have some great ideas. I do hope you continue following me and giving me advice but If it becomes to much for you I will understand also. I do not want to be the cause of your backslide. I have gotten much good information from everyone who has posted on here. I also want to be strong on my own. It has been very helpful just throwing ideas out and getting feedback. I will keep that in mind and make sure I do not refer to the "helpful" word. I will make sure I am not hindering you also! No need for that. I will take time as I get time to read your thread but I get kids back tomorrow so busy busy busy! Ha I also have TONS of laundry to fold due to my lack of doing it all week ! I shall keep pushing forward!
4, let me ask you a harsh question. Why are you chasing a guy that's cheated on you at least 6 times in 13 years? You are worth way more than that. Your daughter is worth more than that.
I am in no way saying, don't try and salvage this R, that's not my choice to make. But I am saying examine why you think you need to live that way, why is this the relationship you have chosen. Chances of H changing are slim, and you aren't in charge of whether he does or doesn't. But you can be in charge of you. Zues has already given you the basics, take back your power. Be in charge of your own emotional well being. Make a plan for your financial well being. Detach. GAL. Become a strong independent woman, for yourself, for your daughter. And then examine where he fits into your life. If you decide to continue to live that way, at least you'll be making a choice from a place of power and not fear.
! I shall keep pushing forward!