No excuses were read into this on this end. I will point out one very big warning that I hope will never need to be acted on. He has anger issues - fairly bad anger issues from what you've said. During times of M break down we see a dramatic rise in physical and sexual violence against the S (almost always against the W, but there are a few exceptions & they are serious, but the reality is that this is almost always male violence against women). We see this from men who have never been physically violent before. Therefore, you need to take this possibility very seriously. Heed the warning signs & if you feel unsafe or threatened, your first priority is to get yourself out of that situation and to a safe place. You can then evaluate it more clearly, but don't dismiss it by saying he never did before, he's not like that. I really hope he isn't, and most men don't go here thankfully. But we don't count on statistics here, what matters is each individual case.
You should also be journalling these incidents that happen to you and your S.
I don't want to make too much of that, but it needed to be said.
Now, it sounds like you need the help of a neutral party w/ some emotional training not to help your M, but to help negotiate the S. It is beyond the two of you at this stage to sit down & come up w/ something that is workable by yourselves. Does this sound correct?
Maybe you look into that. Then tell him that you need to talk and not to blame him for anything, but you need his help. Then you say I don't care whose fault something is or go over past mistakes either of us made, but I need to find solutions to us being able to negotiate an equitable division of labor on parenting, scheduling, and other practical matters. The current ad hoc approach isn't working for me.
Can we sit down, and focus just on working on our arrangement going forward together? Do you think that would work?
See how you are making it solutions-focused? See how you are making it about you and not him? See how you are asking for his help and asking for his opinion (showing respect even if you don't feel all that much)? That may help.
If he blows up or refuses, then you have the trump card of. OK, then I guess we're going to have to do this the hard way that I was hoping to avoid. The way I see it, we have a few options: (1) go to MC for help not on the R but on working out our S arrangement; (2) going to a mediator to do the same; (3) or if you refuse, go through Ls. There is a fourth option, and that is what I originally asked for which is to sit down together and look for solutions. I'm serious that this needs to be addressed, so it is going to be one of those four things. You are in control of that choice. Think about it & I want an answer by X (48 hours?).
Too confrontational? I don't think so. He really is not behaving rationally. He is in MLC & you are S. He is being irresponsible and he is not being a partner. He has been dictating the terms, and (1) he is not your parent; and (2) he is not the one acting like a responsible adult who deserves to be driving the decisions even if this were acceptable to you. Now, he may chose to be too difficult to continue co-parenting w/, but it isn't a good sitch right now anyway for you or your S the way you've portrayed it. It also may sober him up a bit to reality.
And keep my warning in mind in case he escalates the anger at this.
If you are unsure, start a thread on the MLC forum & ask for people to stop in and look at this sitch here. In other words, I think you are at a big enough crossroads here that I'd advise you to not just take my advice on this.
Last edited by asitis; 08/14/1505:03 PM. Reason: grammar
Me: 50 W:43 S6, S3 M: 12 yrs. T: 17 M is bad & Not happy Bomb Mar '14 S 5 Feb '15 D Bomb 13 Apr '15 (but "no hurry") DB Coach May '15 Wants proceed on D Aug '15 Starting 1-on-1 negotiations Sept '15
Thank you. I think you are right. At this point I would just like to get the D I am not sure if I want S to be around H a lot right now because his anger is so unpredictable and S knows this too and doesn't want to have any sleep overs with dad and I feel that right now I can't make him because of dad's anger and I wouldn't be doing my job.
I do support visitation and spending time with his dad as much as S wants too.
