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#2581575 06/24/15 04:44 PM
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imchris Offline OP
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My husband left me 5 weeks ago. In retrospect I notice that he has not been engaging in the family for about two years despite my nagging (wrong thing) and pleading (wrong thing). He was way more interested in whatever was going on with his smart phone and social media. Anyway the BD was him telling me about an affair he had two years ago. I told him we could work thru it and then he insisted we could not because I would never forgive him and throw it in his face and he HAD to leave. So on Monday May 18th he packed an overnight bag and headed to a hotel. He still came back to the house every day to see the kids, eat and do laundry (cake eating). He took me on a date the following weekend and after he dropped me off two of my friends saw him in a bar with another women and confronted him. He left the bar (without the woman) and told me it was "nothing". The following week when I came home from work I found him outside talking on his work phone and he would not tell me whom he was talking too so I set boundaries. I had a lawyer to draw up a financial separation agreement and I changed the locks and set up a visitation schedule. A week later (we have a joint cell phone account) I got a notice of overages this has never happened in the 14 years we had a joint account. I looked and there were many calls to two different numbers so I called him out on it. He said I was spying so I called the cell phone company and separated our accounts. I finally have gotten wise and started the 180 - I'm not perfect but I do notice the less I text/call the more he texts/calls me. Sometimes he sounds like himself and other times he just keeps texting and calling to berate me. Telling me that I forgot to tell the kids about Father's Day (though they were with him the night before and all that day and I sent a card from the kids and framed photos of them), that I MADE him have to rent a house (he had already left when I set the boundary) that I'm controlling, that the kids and I must sit around at night and laugh at him (?)etc. Whenever he does this I just validate "I'm sorry you feel that way" and sometimes add "you and I both know that is not the truth". I know I am in for a long and wild ride but right now even 5 weeks in I don't know if I can do this. The man he is today is not by husband. I don't know this man. I don't love this man. I love the man I have spent the last 16 years with and I can barely even see him. He definitely has some child trauma issues he needs resolved. He saw a counselor 3X and is done (leading me to believe of course that he made no attempt to honestly resolve his issues). I am still seeing a counselor. He does not want to go to joint counseling at this point. I am working on detaching - and think I am doing ok. Next I have to drop the rope. Kids are doing very well - if I'm honest the atmosphere in the house is much improved since is departure. No more tension.

M 40 H 41
S 11 (high functioning autistic)
D 7
M 13
T 16
BD 5/16/15

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Welcome to this board.

The first thing you should do is be sure to read the Divorce Remedy book by MWD,
Divorce Busting is also an excellent book.
http://www.mcssl.com/store/mwdtc2014/
http://divorcebusting.com/sample_book_chapters.htm

Keep this to yourself. DO NOT share this book or this site at all with your spouse. It is your playbook and not to be shared with the "opposing" team.

It is important to clear the search/browsing history from your computer on a daily basis to prevent the possibility for your WAS to stumble on the DB site and discover your posts here on DB. Erasing the search history will protect your posts and you as well.

Sorry you are here but you will meet some wonderful people here and get some great advice.

You may be on moderation now, post in small frequent replies and stay on this thread until you reach 100 posts (for your thread, you can also post on other peoples threads to give support)

I have read a good deal of books on the subject and can give you some suggestions when you are ready.

Take the parts of this advice that you need and don't worry if I have repeated something that you have already done.

I will give you a bunch of homework assignments to read.

This POST is under reconstruction and we will be working on this as time goes by, this is the most current version.


I would start with the going dark link.
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=50956#Post50956

Abbreviations
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2553153#Post2553153

Detachment thread
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2537289#Post2537289

Resources thread(last post only)
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2560187#Post2560187

Stages of the LBS
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=1964990&page=1

Validation
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=191764#Post191764

Doormat Tactics
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubb...444#Post1942444

Standing vs leaving
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=1966340&page=1

Pursuit and Distance
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2483574#Post2483574

Musings from AmyC
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2253741#Post2253741

MLC Signs
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2177869#Post2177869

The Final Stages Withdrawal to Acceptance
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2074403&page=1

Now you have all the tools to read. Let us know how your doing and if you have any questions.

I suggest that you read the entire thread in the resources.
You can also pick out some people and read their whole story.

Depression is the key to the whole thing and it is always present!

Believe none of what he/she says and 50% of what he/she does.

I would not ask him/her anything unless you can have no expectations.
Sometimes asking them questions will be thought of as pressure.
You do not want to do anything that can be thought of by your H/W as controlling or pressure.

Lets not worry about him/her. Lets work on you!
Start your homework assignments.
Something to DO while you are on moderation.
GAL.
Eat, sleep, exercise and take a deep breath.
In general take care of your self first.

Detach the single most important thing to DO.


Your H/W has given you a gift
THE GIFT OF TIME
use it wisely

Knowledge is Power - Sir Francis Bacon


Me-70, D37,S36
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imchris Offline OP
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Thanks for your response, Cadet. I'm going to get working on my homework. He called yesterday and was super sweet. Then when he dropped off the kids after visitation he told me we could not work this out because I unfriended him on FB? What? He takes no responsibility for any of the bad things he has done and finds reason after reason to be blame me.*sigh* I just need to work on myself......

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Hi Imchris,

Welcome. I'm sorry you are here, but you are in a great place. The people on here are amazing.

Right now your focus needs to be on taking care of you and your children. It will feel strange and wrong, but as time goes on, you will feel better the more you detach. This is not an easy road, but you have a wonderful support group here.

It does sound like your H is in MLC, read as much as you can find about it, it really helps. It is like an alien takes over and your H is no longer there. It's rough. Hang in there and prepare yourself for a long haul.


Me 48 H 46 S 11
M 2004
BD 8/13
H moved out 2/15
-live in the present, enjoy the beauty around and within you, explore your new future-
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Hello imchris,

First, let me say how sorry I am for the situation you are in.

You are getting good advice regarding focusing on taking care of yourself and your children.

It would be extremely helpful to know what your next move should be. Please call me to discuss our program at 303-444-7004.


Cristy
Resource Coordinator
The Divorce Busting Center
303-444-7004


A Divorce Busting Coach can help you save your marriage, even when your spouse wants out.

Email virginia@divorcebusting.com or 303-444-7004 for more information or to get started right away.
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Hi imchris

I am so sorry that you find yourself here but welcome, you are amongst friends.

Originally Posted By: imchris
I know I am in for a long and wild ride but right now even 5 weeks in I don't know if I can do this.


I really feel your pain, it brings back memories of when my h first left. You can do this, you will be ok, you are stronger than you think. This journey that YOU are now on will test you to your limits and then just when you don't think you have anything left you will find some reserve hidden away.

Read everything you can - Cadet has given you some great links to start you off. Journal, vent and ask for advise here, everyone is here to help you through this.

Be kind to yourself and look after you and your kids, you are the important ones now. Keep posting and asking questions -

((hugs))

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imchris, welcome! Please know you are not alone with the craziness you are experiencing and you definitely are not the cause of it. Focus on yourself and go enjoy. You are both on a journey. Sounds like you are doing a great job of setting boundaries and ensuring you are protected financially.


H: 48 Me: 47
Married: 19 yrs T: 20 yrs
2 teen-Ds and S
H-MLC (started 2012) and H-Unemployed (11/2014)
D-Bomb: 2/2015
H left country but hasn't moved out: 7/2015
I filed: 7/2015


Moderated by  Cadet, DnJ, job, Michele Weiner-Davis 

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