WAS or what (2)

[roist]

Thanks Mowgli.

I'm afraid I have more than enough insight into what I am facing. If we count the time I worried about M and did nothing due to depression and now a full year of struggling to stand for what I believe, it is getting long and that is taking it's tole.

W does not seem any closer to leaving but not closer to me either. We hear all about this being a Marathon and not a sprint. I get that. We also hear after months of effort that we are only at the beginning of our situation.I would like some of the vets to chip in and tell me their reading of my situation.

The dynamics are changing in that I am pulling away from W. I think that I am doing so without being cold. I am starting to not want to be aroundW. It just isn't fun being with someone like this. My half of the dynamics are changing, but W is pretty consistent with how she is. Without mind reading too much I think she just doesn't want to be with me and that is nit likely to change. Maybe that is me just accepting things or giving up hope but I find it hard to see anything changing this.

I am still of two minds about anniversary next week. A big part of me says do nothing for it. It was not a year worth celebrating and she is not in our M. Another part would like to do something small. I know I should do what I want but just need to decide that.

Just over a week until I fly home for a week.That will be good.

Apart from work, when I am doing stuff esp with others I don't thiink about this situation, or almost not at all. So GAL does help.

I have had some meetings to inform myself on my options should I decide to stop my business.Happy with how they went. I'll decide after my trip on whatis best going forward but current thinking is to get a permenent job is best option.Ii'll probably outline more on this anothertime but this is a huge step. But it shows that I am truly assessing all aspects of my life to find best way forward.

Thanks for reading

[Zephyr]

Will always read.

I too hope that fresh input will come, it could help having a new perspective.

I will be able to respond more later...am running behind getting ready for work.

[roist]

Posting recently on another thread about when I was depressed,i remembered that I am really grateful to my W. Ironic as our R is surely a big part of why I was depressed. She helped me realise that I had a family that needed me too (at the time I was home abroad a good bit due yo my dad dying). At the time I saw her as being unsupportive and I believed that she and kids didn't give a damn about me. Long story short I got home and really realised my boys do need their dad.

I am grateful that my W as this started to lift my fogand a bit after I sought help for my depression. Otherwise I was on a very dark but short path.

Despite her not really supporting me during my times of need, I cannot help but acknowledge I had (have-ish) a lot to be grateful for. This does not eliminate what I am going through now, but helps me find the strength to carry on longer.

I decided to buy the small anniversary gift. Not to so feels spiteful and more reacting than acting. How she treats me is not going to determine how I act. She is mean , I'll be mean.... is not how I will act.

If people interpret this as doormat action, let me know. I don't have any expectations in return. I have mentioned this a few times because I was not sure what I wanted to do. Not giving it seems appropriate as we seem further apart and is more in line with the rules here.


Other than that not much to say. I am sorting out dome of my other stresses.I am thinking hard about either developing business or finding a job. Would be hard to work for someone else after being own boss, but the right job in right company could do me the world of good. Plus meet new people and would be in better place in regards to getting a loan if needed. I will need to improve concentration at work though as no other boss will be as understanding as the current one!

I am meeting most of my goals. Biggest one I have not moved on yet is joining a club. I have good reasons for dragging my heals on that but it is still an important one to take care of when I get back. It'll get me out of the house and meeting people.

I have started reading a pMA book too. I am doing well not going moody and grumpy but feel I could be more cheery around house.

I spend time with sons, a lot of which is really just spending time with then, but on a daily basis there are some genuine fun interactions where they smile and grin and it is 100% for me.


In the first six months of this I seemed to have made small progress in interactions with W. The last few months interactions seem less. Not cold but shallow. I will think about what was workingand what isn't but I find it hard to pinpoint anything working.

Sometimes I wish my W would just say she doesn't love me or doesn't want to be with me. After 20 years together I deserve more than just her checking out. Yrs she deserved better at times too, but still I don't understand this. I am not going to try and figure this out nor get too angry at her nit st least telling me. I'm now focused on doing what I need to do for me.

I have changed during all of this and I think W will be in for a big surprise if she does drop that bomb. I am not as weak and dependent as she probably thinks.

Michele has said recently that it is not weak to put up with less than optimal treatment from S. I now agree but feel maybe my W sees it as being weak to accept so little without saying anything.
Enough I mindreading and talking about uncontrollables.

A question for the vets now that I am I believe ready for the answer. Limbo such as mine without a realBD, what is the best strategy for a LBS to break such limbo? Is it to GAL and move forward letting S see this and realize in their own time that LBS is no longer left behind but actually ahead.Or is a stronger sign/action better? Ye can answer in general based on other situations over the years, or more specifically about mine. I am not asking to be told what to do but an opinion on what ye have seen working.

[Zephyr]

Roiste, you have taken a lot of courage to keep up fighting doe your marriage. It is more than commendable, it is in my mind a heroic action for what your heart has gone through.

Now fo4 your questions...I think I types something about gifts, small & heartfelt is just fine as long as you genuinely believe of will not move the needle. You are still in love with her. It is still your anniversary to a marriage you are still believing in.

My opinion on limbo, you already know. I think that limbo has taken its toll on you and I just like a bomb drop, but without the certainty.

Why can you not just move forward with your life despite her not saying that she needs a separation or divorce? Why can't you treat yourself like a superstar and still live in the same house. Why can't you get out and enjoy your life despite being in a marriage that your spouse is not actively meeting your needs.

Ultimately that is up to you what you want to do. Is sex the end all thing that you just no longer can do without? Is affectionate desire or caretaking something you cannot move foreword without...if so you should find out what can you do instead.

We have been holding onto that rope so tightly for ever. They feel it like a noose. Even if you aren't telling her what to do and trying not to control her, they still feel your holding on so tightly that it is effectively still control. It affects our behaviours and our moods.

What if you just let go and I mean, really really let go. Have you tried to imagine what that would look like? Roiste out having a good time and being happy without worrying about his marriage. I am not worried about you not meeting your obligations, I know you will continue to do that because of the man you are.

I am talking about no longer enabling her depression or whatever it is with your attention and your hyper-caring. She will need to figure this out on her own. At this point you've sat by her side and held her hand while you keep putting hope that she will come around. She hasnt been able to. They have been so constrained in thierbown heads and they feel that we are what is holding them back. Holding onto that rope is more of the same to them.

So many people say hope is a good thing...hope though does not give us the opportunity to see the future, it has clouded the possibility for any outcome besides a happy reconciliation and a wonderful marriage with your wife when she comes around. I do think that some hope is ok, but my gut tells me that your vision through hopefulness sees you two side by side forever. I am the same.

Let go. It is easier said than done. I know. I have been holding this rope for so long and so tightly because I believed this will pass, that my love and generosity and blah blah would make a difference. That no matter what I believed love will overcome. I am a dope. Just let go and start working towards your happiness and let's see what will happen.

I actually just meant to type a hi and I am supporting you but a purge ensued.
I hope that I am not coming off as a hypocritical because this where I am too. I am right where you are and I am still trying to figire out why I have been unablebto just start walking. I thought I had more than a few times, but I guess I was just lying to myself and have not truly me go. Why? do we need wife to actually leave for that to hqopen...I hope not.

Sending you my hope for a better future, you are worth it!!!

[roist]

I am starting to walk, won't be long before I jog. After that I will be running and running fast.

When I am out I no longer dwell on my situation but am in the moment.

I can move forward regardless of W dropping bomb. I have accepted that moving forward is the only option. Earlier I didn't see a way to really GAL without neglecting kids or helping with them.Now I need to really GAL so u have found a way.

Even when not out, I am busier at home.This gives us both space. I spend much less time on the couch in the evenings but I don't avoid it either.My W spends most evenings on couch. Plus she has dropped her one GAL activity because her friends who she used to go with no longer speak to her! Funnily I got to validate her feelings on this when she is practically doing same to me!

Thanks again Z. Good having you in my corner.
we have both been at this a while now though you longer.
we will be better happier men. Until then let's figure out what we can do about that rope.

[Zephyr]

Doesn't matter how long...just means its taking me longer to figure this crap out

[roist]

A few weeks ago W put on sideshow of our Marriage photos while her family were at the house. Yesterday she searched and took out the photo album itself to show the kids. She went through it talking about each photo while we were all together.

I'm not going to try and figure out her thinking but I find it strange. For the sideshow she was upbeat about the photos though after half an hour I caught a sad glimpse on her face. Yesterday she was in good form explaining everything to our sons.I participated but held back telling her how beautiful she was/is. I was relatively detached but our first married kiss got to me. I don't think I showed it. There was also something I regretted not doing on our wedding day,but I was not sure if it was the time to mention it so I didn't. I'm second guessing that.anyone any insights into why a WAW would twice in the last month show our wedding photos to people (even if yesterday was just our sons)? If Iwas checked out of my M as she definitely seems to be, I would never do that and if so only when alone. Both times she had to spend time finding them.

Our interactions were OK for the weekend but I was fairly busy with boys and other stuff, so relatively limited. I did mention I may look for a job as maybe it is for the best going; forward. I didn't state that our M situation was part of my reasoning. She wasn't cold about it but said it is up to me what I want to do. And it is.

Not much else to report except I really need this break away starting Wednesday. On Skype recently with another couple (w's friends,more than mine) I mentioned when I would be home. Her friend mentioned that I was flying out on our anniversary. I joked that it was the best present I could give her! We all laughed but in reality maybe there was no joke.

Got to go. All the best to anyone reading this.

[Cadet]

New thread

http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2617682#Post2617682