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Originally Posted By: CaliGuy
wanting that hoe teenage rush that OM and the A supplied ...


Love the Freudian slip their Cali. wink


Me: 50 W:43
S6, S3
M: 12 yrs. T: 17
M is bad & Not happy Bomb Mar '14
S 5 Feb '15
D Bomb 13 Apr '15 (but "no hurry")
DB Coach May '15
Wants proceed on D Aug '15
Starting 1-on-1 negotiations Sept '15
asitis #2582501 06/26/15 10:21 PM
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Originally Posted By: asitis
Originally Posted By: CaliGuy
wanting that hoe teenage rush that OM and the A supplied ...


Love the Freudian slip their Cali. wink


Its even funnier now ... lol


M: 48
W: 47
M16 T26-S8
BD Sept13



HeavyD #2582504 06/26/15 10:34 PM
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Heavy - sorry you are in such a crappy place today!!
Originally Posted By: HeavyD
She still doesn't "get" what she has done and most likely never will. No remorse no empathy and she is angry that I am upset. She said I wear my anger like I own it and want to be a martyr. "Poor j - she was dumped, her wife had an affair, she was cheated - poor me

This is EXACTLY what I am seeing here too. W has mocked me with these words too. Get over it - right? - so unfair - I feel your pain.

and I am accused of being too all or nothing when speaking of divorce and settlement. She wants to hold out for 3 years, or somehow fake it for the kids, or "bird nest" yet I can see none of that being healthy for the kids or me.

Can't live life like a tv drama.

You are in my thoughts Heavy


Me-45 W-44
S21, S18, D15
T-27, M-21
BD Jan 2014
PA revealed March 2014
In-house separation - April 2015
I filed - Aug 2015
She moved out Oct 2015
HeavyD #2582507 06/26/15 11:00 PM
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My MLC wife had lots of delusions of family continuing after a D. You know, the we can still do things like Christmas together, we'll still be family, blah blah blah. I think it is part of the not wanting to face up to ones responsibilities and the consequences of ones actions that seems to run so deep in MLCs. Now, there is nothing about being a family. None of those family days she talked about as an important part of the S. No talk of what the impact or life will be like for the kids or us from having a life of shlepping them back and forth between us and having to negotiate things with someone with whom we have no loving relationship to bolster the work. Just I want to run, without a clue that she can only run by abandoning the kids and moving out of the area. It will be hard work either way, although the hard work of rebuilding leads to something positive for everyone (hopefully).

Keep doing what you are doing: listen, validate. She needs to face the costs of her choices, not you. She will likely rant and rave and blame you for that pain (seems to be in the MLC rule book). Hopefully, some day before too much damage has been done, she'll face up and grow back up. Tough waiting though.

Hang in there Heavy!


Me: 50 W:43
S6, S3
M: 12 yrs. T: 17
M is bad & Not happy Bomb Mar '14
S 5 Feb '15
D Bomb 13 Apr '15 (but "no hurry")
DB Coach May '15
Wants proceed on D Aug '15
Starting 1-on-1 negotiations Sept '15
asitis #2582532 06/27/15 02:21 AM
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Today we went as a "family" to a school event. It was hard. I tried to be upbeat but I don't think I succeded. W brought her friend to act as a buffer, to make it more comfortable for her. So family time wasn't really family time.

We still talked more about how we should interact with each other and she is still angry. We talked about what family time we should have, she wants more. Everything I suggest she counters with "I said that months ago and now when you say it I'm supposed to jump" coupled with the classic "You call all the shots" line.

I listened and said "yes I guess you are right, but you have to understand that this is hard for me and new and we have all new ground rules now, I have to get used to this." She rolled her eyes and made disparing noises. I called her on that and said "I am trying to have an honest conversation with you and I feel disrespected when you roll your eyes and make those noises."

She says I shoot her down when she suggests family activities.

She states that I don't smile and she's tired of making excuses for me.

She stated that this is very hard on her.

She stated that she didn't leave the home but that I forced her out.

She stated that I won't own up to the problems leading up to the Affair.

I ended by saying well today we have talked a lot, made some progress with communication, maybe we can build on this. She did not respond to that.

We keep talking in circles about the SAME things, and making no progress. She keeps stating the same statements like a robot and I just STFU and listen. I even said "I am listening, I hear you."

I now know that I will not get an apology, she does not get the magnitude of her actions, the devestation that has been reaped upon our kids.

And her affair continues.... my S9 informed me of how they talk every night.

She is still in LaLa land, she makes no sense and I am tired of all of this. Lawyers said this will be an easy case. It should go to court next week. Great.

Last edited by HeavyD; 06/27/15 02:27 AM.

Was made a better person by DB'ers
HeavyD #2582566 06/27/15 06:12 AM
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Don't take it so hard, esp. since A is ongoing.

So there are some clues in your last post. Your W doesn't feel you heard her or respected her opinion when she offered it. This may or may not be true, but it is obviously how she feels.

Do you present your solutions, or do you ask her opinion/thought? I ask because this has been one of my problems and I see signs of this in what you related in this post. If the answer is present solutions, listening is not enough.

My first suggestion is that you begin thinking about how you pose ideas. "Hey, I was had an idea. XXXX. What do you think about it?" vs. "I think we should do XXXX." Ask her opinion. Show you respect her and her thoughts.

The second is to show that you really did listen. Come back in a day or two with "I was thinking about what you said yesterday/two days ago... I see why you feel that way." Then tell her what that reflection on what she said produced (the hard part is that you actually have to consider what she said and not just listen). There are a whole lot of things that she told you in that conversation that you can be thinking about, so pick one or two and really approach them with curiosity.

Don't get too caught up in the spew. Yes, of course you caused her to make a choice to have an A. See how bad you were, you forced her. She had no say in the matter. It was just a moral imperative that she should have an A. A lot of this kind of disconnect from basic logic happens to protect oneself w/ A & MLC, etc. It is difficult to listen to and lots of STFU smoothies are consumed in the process, but it really is just something that is best handled via the duck/water approach (water off a duck's back).

Great that you didn't get drawn into reacting and that you validated. See if the above helps you take it another step.


Me: 50 W:43
S6, S3
M: 12 yrs. T: 17
M is bad & Not happy Bomb Mar '14
S 5 Feb '15
D Bomb 13 Apr '15 (but "no hurry")
DB Coach May '15
Wants proceed on D Aug '15
Starting 1-on-1 negotiations Sept '15
asitis #2582582 06/27/15 08:58 AM
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Yes, you are right about the not being heard refrain.

When we moved to California, we talked about it a lot and I asked if she would come on my interview with me, see what she thought about California. She agreed that we should go for it. Now she tells me she resents giving up her career to come with me. We talked about leaving Caliornia after 10 years, she said she was ready to leave. She wanted to be a house wife. I said we cold make that happen and I will work towards that if that's what you want. Are you sure? She said yes. Now it's I am forcing her to move.

When we were talking about having kids, I was just talking in general about it and she said let's do this, now. And I thought Wow - now! And we did. She regrets having our second child and feels trapped by her responsibilities. She said there are so may thngs I do that make her crazy, I just laughed and said I am sure that is so. She mentioned that when I buy the wrong toohpaste brand I am not doing it deliberatly,but my lack of attention to details is a real problem for her, this she gets angry and her anger builds and she resents being so angry.

I have said so many many times that I could improve my listening skills. I can do a better job, I have said so many many times in writing, in person and with our counsllor that I am 50% responsible for the mess we are in.

In the beginning I begged her for a chance, that I don't blame her, we all make mistakes and we can learn from them. Don't do this to our family. Don't throw away 20 years, lets get counselling. Nothing but anger and stonewalling from her. That was mostly in October. I have stopped with any of that talk.

Ever since she started the A she is a different person. She is turned into a very entitled person. Her needs superceed mine and both of our kids. Its all what is best for HER. She wants the passion and that is parmount to her. I said a marriage is based on a lot of things, and yes passion is one of them, but so are the practicalities of life, bills, jobs, kids, etc... She does not "get that". She says she couldnt help her feelngs for somebody else and I said yes. You are right to have any feelings you want It's your behavior based on your feelings that is the issue now. She is angry at me for being upset and does't want me to express my feelings in any way.

She just wants out, she wants her lover at any cost. She can have her. Her lover is no prize believe me but she makes her happy. My W says she is at peace, with not having to deal with my pressure and expectations. I said I am glad you are at peace.

I try to not react, just listen, nod and say I hear what you are saying, I am sorry you felt that way, that must have been awful, I really regret that we are in this situation. I didn't want this.

She is angry at me and admits she is very mean to me to get me to respond. She admitted to goading me in action. I have said I don't respond to threats and put downs, just talk to me respectfully like an adult and we can talk about whatever you want to talk about. I said I don't let people talk to me like that. She said I am probably learning a lesson about how much work she did for the family and now that she is gone, I must be know that. I said yes, I miss you and all of your contributions, but we are doing just fine.

Its up to lawyers now. I am willing to work with her and have told her that I don't want to "get her" but we have to follow the rule of law since we can't agree on financial aspects. She agreed to that. I said we could calm down, stop this process, really think about what it is we want for us and what is best for the kids and she refused.

She said that would just delay the inevitable, divorce is the best option and it will take the pressure off her. She won't have to deal with my expectations and I won't have to deal with hers. We can be two separate people who will remain best friends and raise the kids together as a family with two divorced parents. I just nodded and said I hear what you are saying. I have to cut her loose. I am afraid she has lost any rational thought process.

I did notice today that she has big dark circles under her eyes. That was sad to see. I will take a few things she said and follow up "You said the other day, and I was thinking about that....." and see how she responds to it.

I will be glad when this process is over. I don't want to be married to her and I am better stonger person because of DBing.


Was made a better person by DB'ers
HeavyD #2582590 06/27/15 12:17 PM
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