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BEC,
I'm glad to see that you are spending time w/your children and things looked fairly good today w/your interactions except for a couple of things, which I know you are now aware of...but let's go back and revisit them for just a bit...okay?

1. If the kids ask you to come along and your wife doesn't appear to be all gung ho about it, allow her to deal w/the fall out. She's the one that's put you and your children in this situation and she should be the one to listen to all of the full court press. You will need to learn to say that you can't come along w/them today and leave it at that. You don't need to make any excuses...that's your wife's position to do so.

2. Don't ask her any more about those little check ins. Leave it be. She will let you know when she wants to have them. It's a control game w/her and it keeps you on edge. Show her that you don't give a fig about them and the only way to do that is not to ask about them.

3. When you say something is fine...drop it. One time reassurance is enough. Let it go!

4. She's undecided as to what she wants to do because right now, she's got it made. She's not going to rock her boat when she's got her cake and can eat it too. If she filed for a divorce, she very well may have to move out that house since she will no longer be married to you and yes, she would need to start paying rent and getting a paying job. Trust me, when I say she has it made...she does! Why change anything? As long as she can string you along w/the hopes of getting back together, it gives her more time to do whatever she wants to do. The minute the divorce is filed, that is when her world will rock.

5. No more talks about getting back together. Gosh! How many times do we have to tell you this? She knows you want to get back together and she knows that you aren't going any where fast. It is called pressure and pursuit and man does she have you right where she wants you....begging. Stop it! Stand up straight, head turned forward and start acting like a strong man who can take care of himself and yes, make some decisions about his life. Be strong, stay positive and turn your situation over to the man upstairs.

Keep the focus on you, your life, your job and your kids.


Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to.
The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
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BEClem Offline OP
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Originally Posted By: job
BEC,


4. She's undecided as to what she wants to do because right now, she's got it made. She's not going to rock her boat when she's got her cake and can eat it too. If she filed for a divorce, she very well may have to move out that house since she will no longer be married to you and yes, she would need to start paying rent and getting a paying job. Trust me, when I say she has it made...she does! Why change anything? As long as she can string you along w/the hopes of getting back together, it gives her more time to do whatever she wants to do. The minute the divorce is filed, that is when her world will rock.



Job. Great to hear from you smile I missed you (as I have everyone else). I am, especially in the last few weeks, starting to slowly get myself under more control. Showing signs of detachment, not quite feeling it yet, with less backslides than ever. Not allowing the emotions I am feeling drive me toward actions of pursuit.

The above quote from you is something that I have been thinking ALOT about. This ties in with some of the things Cali has said as well today. Especially the "oldie but goodie" post he shared where the LBS finally had enough and took back control.

She takes her time "thinking about things", doesn't work, lives in our house, goes and does her thing and I pay for everything while I just live with my parents. Now she may actually be undecided. Or she may be stringing me along. Or a combination of both. Her conscious intentions may actually be that she is trying to sort things out. But she is absolutely in a position of comfort and control.

I've given thought to two things that relate to what you said. The first is money and the second is living arrangements.

Money: My W has always been the one who has "handled the finances". Well this has continued these last 8 months as if it is status quo while our situation is anything but status quo. I've given some thought to shaking that up and having her give all the bills to me. I will pay them and will handle holding onto excess for future savings.

Living Arrangements: My parents are losing their house and are moving into a much smaller condo next month. This is a pressing issue because realistically, they no longer are going to have the space for me and I have burdened them quite enough. I am getting to a point where I believe it may be time for me to go home.

These are thoughts specific to what you mentioned above. Whether consciously or unconsciously she is continuing to live a life fully supported by me without showing one shred of respect or empathy toward me. Now there is something fundamentally wrong about that.

Are these two things, money and living arrangements, areas that I should start considering making a move on?

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But.....is that a power grab? Not giving her the space?

This is all very confusing LOL

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BEClem Offline OP
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Let me clarify the "confusion" statement.

First. I really am (finally) starting to understand and implement some ACTUAL DBing tactics. Detaching, not pursuing, not allowing emotions to control actions, not texting or calling etc.

My confusion lies in some seemingly conflicting viewpoints:

One stance is that W is thinking things through. She genuinely Needs space and time etc.

The other stance is "why would she change". She is "cake eating" and her world needs to be shaken up.

That is why I am asking specifically about finances and living arrangements. Working on me (which I am finally doing for real) in order to be mentally healthy FOR ME and my kids so that no matter what happens I will be fine is a given with either of the above tactics.

But which tactic do I work toward? Do I just continue on and assume she is being genuine? Letting her think things through?

Or am I being manipulated by a woman who has no incentive to look inward because she is living the best of both worlds? She doesn't have to deal with me because I'm not around. So she has the convenience of saying "see I am so much happier without BE" and "BE was the problem not me at all" while BE just continues to cower in the corner, inconvenience others (my parents) and just hand over every dime he makes?

So which is the best path? What is most effective?

Does that make sense to everyone?

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Not sure they are mutually exclusive. My W definitely wants space, but she also hasn't woken up to all the little things that I have been doing as part of our being M, and the weaning process has been slow. In earlier times, when she was sending mixed messages, there was a lot of need space, but want you to comfort me and do some of the things you used to do, but then I'll blast you for one just to keep things interesting and assert my space.

Your confused and go back and forth on why bother & I stand by and will do whatever. Why can't our Ss?

On what to do, I'm not seeing much difference in approach. Drop pursuit, set boundaries, detach, GAL, come to agreement on shared responsibilities, and make changes you know you need to do in order to be the kind of person and potential partner to someone. If she really needs space, you give it to her. If she is cake eating, you back away and set boundaries to minimize this. Either way, distance and focus on you are in play.


Me: 50 W:43
S6, S3
M: 12 yrs. T: 17
M is bad & Not happy Bomb Mar '14
S 5 Feb '15
D Bomb 13 Apr '15 (but "no hurry")
DB Coach May '15
Wants proceed on D Aug '15
Starting 1-on-1 negotiations Sept '15
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BEClem Offline OP
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Asitis: I understand that the focus on ourselves doesn't change one bit: Stop pursuit, detach, GAL, self improvement etc. That is a given.

But, how does one determine if "I need space and time to think" is genuine or is cake eating?

I would think, and I could be wrong, that they are mutually exclusive in terms of setting boundaries.

If you have someone who is genuinely torn. Genuinely needs space. Then you wouldn't set boundaries concerning things like finances and living arrangements.

But if you have someone who is manipulating I would imagine that the dynamic changes a bit where boundaries of things like finances and living arrangements would come into play.

What do you think?

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I agree w/asitis on the detachment, setting boundaries, GALing and yes, even coming to an agreement on shared responsibilities. No matter the situation, you would still need to do these things in order to protect yourself and help you in dealing w/the situation.

I'm going to suggest once again, that you start cutting down on the things that you have been doing around the home when you are there to see the children. Why? How can she miss you if you are doing things around the home? How can she miss you if you are there a large majority of the time? It's time to start taking your children out during your time w/them.

Also, people can live under the same roof and give the spouse time and space to figure things out. This means, no pressure, no expectations, no controlling/manipulating and just living as roommates or friends. You ask no questions, just listen and observe. It's difficult to do, especially when the spouse is acting out like a teenager or is in monster mode. Can you handle that if you moved back home? Trust me, it's not easy to deal w/especially when you have children and you are left w/the responsibility 24/7 while the spouse is acting out. Would you be able to handle this?

Now about taking control over the finances...has she done something wrong? Has she not paid the bills on time? Why the change now? Are you hoping that by taking on this responsibility yourself will wake her up? I don't think it will. In fact, I think it will make her angry. This is a discussion that you should have w/her as one of those responsibilities that needs attention.

So, the advice that we all have given you in the past still remains the same, i.e., space, time, detachment, focus on you and your children, GALing and setting some boundaries.

BTW, you need to start a new thread. When Cadet returns, he will probably remind you of this as well.


Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to.
The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
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BEClem Offline OP
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Job,

I will start a new thread. Thanks for the reminder.

To touch on your points. I have already cut down on doing things at the house. My focus has shifted to the children and myself. I truly am starting to get it (finally). I am finally following the DB basics of space, time, detachment etc. And I understand that these are a given no matter what.

I agree that people can live under the same roof and still give space. Can I handle it? I believe I can but I also may not have a choice here shortly because my parents are losing their house and are moving into a much smaller space next month.

As far as the finances are concerned: This is why I get confused and is a good example of what seems like conflicting advice. You pointed out that you believe she is having her cake and eating it too. Well wouldn't me taking control of the finances, since I am the only one who works, be a way of setting a boundary on that? It is the same thing with moving back home. Not only is it getting to a point where I am most likely not going to have a choice, but if she is cake eating and using it as a control tactic than aren't these two things (moving back and taking control of the money that I make) the way to end or address the cake eating?

And yes, we fell way behind on rent this past winter. Luckily the house we rent belongs to my sister and we were not evicted and have gotten almost caught up. But my W did not pay even partial rent for 5 months during the winter. I am, and have been, out of professional work for four years and have been working jobs that I am overqualified for. But even though we have struggled financially throughout this time my W has not gone out and gotten a job and insists on continuing to be a stay at home mother even though our situation has dictated that both of us need to be working.

I'm just confused because it comes off as conflicting advice.

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BEClem Offline OP
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I'll go ahead now and start a new thread where we can continue the discussion.

http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2585930#Post2585930

Thanks everyone smile

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