You're very welcome, it made me feel good to post and to dedicate the prayer to you and your situation. (I also prayed you'd get plenty of the blue duct tape...ah, just kidding.)
In regards to my case, yes, I am starting to feel like there may be a chance of my W changing her mind. Just one week ago, I did not think that. As Cadet mentions when you join "No expectations." I really don't have any but I feel like there is at least some hope. I find having a positive mental attitude (PMA) helps in so many ways. If you can picture a good outcome, odds are that you will do and act accordingly. Make any sense?
You may want to go to my current thread, which is Part 6. I tried to summarize in the first post our situation and how well Wonka put it into focus. It would be a lot for you to read to start from the very beginning. Hey, if you have time, go for it.
The main things that helped me was GAL, working on making myself a "better Bob" and this wonderful DB family.
I'm here for you!
*Hugs*
Bob
Me:55 yrs/W:51 yrs (has MS) M:14 yrs T:15 yrs No children together--3 each from previous marriages Wife Moved Out: 10/19/14 Wife Filed for Divorce: 10/20/14 Divorce Final: 10/21/15
To add to what Bob said...there is ALWAYS hope, even in the darkest of times. It's just sometimes hard to see it.
Right on, Matt, that's the spirit!
Bob
Me:55 yrs/W:51 yrs (has MS) M:14 yrs T:15 yrs No children together--3 each from previous marriages Wife Moved Out: 10/19/14 Wife Filed for Divorce: 10/20/14 Divorce Final: 10/21/15
Hello Cadet & Wonka aka: MY new angels that R killing meeeee...
so, S.O.S.... since the suggestion of me using duct tape over my mouth to keep it shut, I have successfully done that since our last power fight (between W & me, last friday night). Also I have gotten a little breathing room by following Wonka's advise on being friendly. So I have been both, very very friendly AND also I have not gone and "poke the bear" whatsoever. This (in my opinion) is working. I went to bed on friday night to wake up to W asking me if I was "trying to hack her cell phone" or if "i did?". Me: "I don't even know how to do that, NOR i have the time, why"" W: "because I have gotten a few texts from you backed up by some phone calls from YOUR number, but then when I answer the call is lost". Me: "that's weird, but the answer to your question is no". She left me alone for the night - she seemed pretty "high" went asking me this. Next day saturday morning; W: "do you have a minute for a call" (she texted me that) - I accepted. So, in a nut shell she wanted to clarify what was that all about the questions regarding the hacking of her cell. She explained again, and said that because I have all her personal info, she was concerned that I could screw her really bad...I responded I would never do that to her, (TRUE) she is probably one of the only persons in my life that has helped me, and that I would never do that to someone dear to me as she is. She again (attacked me) she said you know you need to move out, I don't know why you haven't, you tell me you are but then you don't...blah blah. I said: "look, financially I cannot do it right now, no.2: I've been looking for places every day, I am "on it", however the issue at this point is my dogs". It has been probably NEAR impossible to find a place for them at a price I can pay". Please understand that I AM working on it, and my nose is right above water here...W said: "That's NOT MY problem"... (I had to get very strong at that moment because God know how I hate that phrase!!!!) sighhhh...she is like: You are NOT respecting my decision of NOT being together neither my requests of YOU moving out! - you know this relationship is like that one you had with that crazy woman, is playing out the same!. (again had to find the strength to keep calm). I just told her I did not want to fight and it was IMPOSSIBLE for me to move out on this particular moment, and to TRUST I am extending myself to no limit to do so, and I am working and I have a real good paying job etc. She said (again) well, you have told me that before, I am tired of it...nothing happens". And I said: "Please if you want US to be able to coomunicate, do not tell me what I have done for one year"...(which is just flapping my gums, and not being able to get back on my feet financially). I said I AM DOING THIS. Please just leave it as that. I believe in me, and when you tell me what I you have been telling me for months, it makes me very disillusioned of everything & I need MY strenght right now, all what I can get. And keep away from fighting with you. I don't want to, I am just taking one day at a time, and moving forward so I make things happen. I was crying at that point, and she thanked me that I told her how kinda tell me things and how we "could" communicate better. Saturday we texted friendly to irrelevant things, then at night she texted me she was leaving to Palm Springs for the night with her friends, I said "OK" Sunday night & Monday night things were fine. Today: (I am off) - went to do somethings for myself, massage, chiropractor session, eye brows, bla blah - and I went to deposit $700 dollars to W's bank account as a contribution to the mortgage or rent. And because it has been 14 months ever since I HAVE not supported to this household, I finally got to feel good about it. And felt such a relieve to know I am NOT the dead bet person I may look. (which I am not at all). I get an immediate text from W: "did you deposit $?" "why"? "you need to save to move"! "I never stated you needed to pay rent"!. last text: "I want to sit down and speak with you, if we need a mediator to keep the conversation calm, then we will". ------- I HAVE NOT responded to her TEXT, Cadet & Wonka......I am frighten to even say a word. What I said to her is that I am doing both: save $ and paying some rent", and that I have made my plan and is in process", I asked her to stop. then she sent me the last text.
WHAT do I do???? - I hope you read this post soon soon...
Hello Guys: I think I posted my last post on the wrong threat...IDK please help... I am better now but I wrote this on the 2nd of June...and obviously I posted somewhere in DB in another planet cuz I cannot find anyon pitching in.... Maybe no one is interested.. Here is my post: Hello Cadet & Wonka aka: MY new angels that R killing meeeee...
so, S.O.S.... since the suggestion of me using duct tape over my mouth to keep it shut, I have successfully done that since our last power fight (between W & me, last friday night). Also I have gotten a little breathing room by following Wonka's advise on being friendly. So I have been both, very very friendly AND also I have not gone and "poke the bear" whatsoever. This (in my opinion) is working. I went to bed on friday night to wake up to W asking me if I was "trying to hack her cell phone" or if "i did?". Me: "I don't even know how to do that, NOR i have the time, why"" W: "because I have gotten a few texts from you backed up by some phone calls from YOUR number, but then when I answer the call is lost". Me: "that's weird, but the answer to your question is no". She left me alone for the night - she seemed pretty "high" went asking me this. Next day saturday morning; W: "do you have a minute for a call" (she texted me that) - I accepted. So, in a nut shell she wanted to clarify what was that all about the questions regarding the hacking of her cell. She explained again, and said that because I have all her personal info, she was concerned that I could screw her really bad...I responded I would never do that to her, (TRUE) she is probably one of the only persons in my life that has helped me, and that I would never do that to someone dear to me as she is. She again (attacked me) she said you know you need to move out, I don't know why you haven't, you tell me you are but then you don't...blah blah. I said: "look, financially I cannot do it right now, no.2: I've been looking for places every day, I am "on it", however the issue at this point is my dogs". It has been probably NEAR impossible to find a place for them at a price I can pay". Please understand that I AM working on it, and my nose is right above water here...W said: "That's NOT MY problem"... (I had to get very strong at that moment because God know how I hate that phrase!!!!) sighhhh...she is like: You are NOT respecting my decision of NOT being together neither my requests of YOU moving out! - you know this relationship is like that one you had with that crazy woman, is playing out the same!. (again had to find the strength to keep calm). I just told her I did not want to fight and it was IMPOSSIBLE for me to move out on this particular moment, and to TRUST I am extending myself to no limit to do so, and I am working and I have a real good paying job etc. She said (again) well, you have told me that before, I am tired of it...nothing happens". And I said: "Please if you want US to be able to coomunicate, do not tell me what I have done for one year"...(which is just flapping my gums, and not being able to get back on my feet financially). I said I AM DOING THIS. Please just leave it as that. I believe in me, and when you tell me what I you have been telling me for months, it makes me very disillusioned of everything & I need MY strenght right now, all what I can get. And keep away from fighting with you. I don't want to, I am just taking one day at a time, and moving forward so I make things happen. I was crying at that point, and she thanked me that I told her how kinda tell me things and how we "could" communicate better. Saturday we texted friendly to irrelevant things, then at night she texted me she was leaving to Palm Springs for the night with her friends, I said "OK" Sunday night & Monday night things were fine. Today: (I am off) - went to do somethings for myself, massage, chiropractor session, eye brows, bla blah - and I went to deposit $700 dollars to W's bank account as a contribution to the mortgage or rent. And because it has been 14 months ever since I HAVE not supported to this household, I finally got to feel good about it. And felt such a relieve to know I am NOT the dead bet person I may look. (which I am not at all). I get an immediate text from W: "did you deposit $?" "why"? "you need to save to move"! "I never stated you needed to pay rent"!. last text: "I want to sit down and speak with you, if we need a mediator to keep the conversation calm, then we will". ------- I HAVE NOT responded to her TEXT, Cadet & Wonka......I am frighten to even say a word. What I said to her is that I am doing both: save $ and paying some rent", and that I have made my plan and is in process", I asked her to stop. then she sent me the last text.
WHAT do I do???? - I hope you read this post soon soon...
I think this latest convo with W is an improvement from your previous fights...yes? You did a real good job in handling this. Well done.
Now on to the last text from W:
Originally Posted By: MoniA
last text: "I want to sit down and speak with you, if we need a mediator to keep the conversation calm, then we will".
Breathe. You can go into the discussion with W with an open mind and listen to what she has to say. Pull out the Validation Cheat Sheet and study it between now until you two meet in person.
Now...as to how you can respond to W, you can say it concisely:
Sure, we can do that.
You need to be prepared for the "I am done trying" speech from W. Don't fight it. Acknowledge it and tell her that you do understand her wish.
This new approach with W, meaning better communications drinking STFU Smoothie, is the way to go. Again, well done on biting your tongue.
OK - well since I wrote (and posted that last blog I think in the wrong threat), a few things have changed. I feel so overwhelmed with 24/7 thoughts of W, what to do, what to say, stay or leave, I feel jealous, confused, upset, sad, then happy bc I feel hopeful, then angry. so forth and so on. I am sure (I think) this is normal? - and then I think, it has been 8 months since we have been broken up, (of course living in the same house but in different beds). I have to really FIND and start reaching out to the information on line as of how to "handle" all these thoughts. ...and I would like you to know that I will, I am taking baby steps, and physically I am kinda exhausted right now. Anyways. The "talk" W wanted to have with me was never mentioned again after she sent it on tuesday, and I did not respond either, nor via text or in person. Yesterday I asked her where she was overnight and she said up in a hotel for work, she said "i told you about it", and came to find out I got the dates for this "work" thing mixed up. Then she calls right back and she asked me "did you hack my FB account" - I was floored, but kept calm. I responded "no" and she said: "I will find out, if you did", I said "ok", Anyways - this hacking of her things has been happening alot lately, and I HAVE nothing to do with it. SO I have nothing to fear. Then, We saw each other quick one morning and we just said "hi/bye" and I left to work. Every day of the week she got home either at midnight or she never came home (i.e: thursday & friday, last night), she comes home before I get there and then she leaves. Once for work, the others IDK. Last night she texted she was staying out for the night at "friends". (and for my life I couldn't feel but alone, and sad), I said thank you for letting me know, and that whatever to not disclose her "friends" names. To be safe and GN (I know...probably not good). She never texted back. Which at the end I appreciated. Now this is the kicker. My really good friend told me of a place for $400 a month and that I can move rent free until July 1st, in where I and my 2 dogs will have a safe place to live. So, I have bitter sweet feelings about it, meaning I am excited and NOT. See coming June 17 is W & I 8th years anniversary (it would have been, I mean). I bought her a little something that I am planning on giving her, is a candle and a little perfume she likes, even though I know I have to be very tactful with this, because I know she WILL freak at the slightest clue I want to resume our relationship. Is this I good idea? I am asking myself, So then, I have converted "the little something" into a farewell gift with a "thank you for everything" note. And PLEASE walk me through this process, I have time today to read AFTER i get rid off this migraine that is killing me BUT I will read some stuff to help me. I definitely want this place, in the horizon the idea of having my own space without the drama and games seems extremely refreshing and calming? - and I am thinking IT WILL help W and me miss each other, I wish she WILL miss me MUCH more that I will of course, but I would never find out, unless she tells me. So, at this point I am mostly sure I want to do this move, and completely detach from W because it has been a struggle for me in every single sector, finding a place I can afford, that I can have my dogs safe, and then I kinda was looking wishing I didn't find something good because I still have hopes I can get her back while I am still living together. I wanted to tell her at some point that I had made a promise to myself that the very last fight we had (on Thursday 10 days ago) was the LAST argument, fight, yelling match I HAD with her. And tell her I wanted to prove that I CAN ACTUALLY be kind and a lover not a fighter...LOL for at least 4 weeks, and then take it day by day (NO FIGHTING, about anything at all). I am still keeping my promise (to me), even tho I haven't told her about this. She probably won't want to hear it anyways. Thank you for the kudos, I am trying very very hard, please reply I am here, barely at work. But it's nice here, very peaceful, the principals are not home, and the deck is wet from all the ocean waves heating the stairway to the sand...so this will help me right?
