She then mentioned that H still loved me and there was a part of me that heard that and then another part of me asked if he still loves me, why put us through this?
I'm not sure whether I'd express this to MIL, because she seems to be an advocate. But where I come from love is a verb, not a feeling. Feelings follow behavior. So whether or not he has loving feelings, he's acting in unloving ways, and eventually he won't feel lovingly towards you anymore. But if he wants to act lovingly, and you do the same, those feelings might grow.
Sorry, I'm at the point where I find 'love' distasteful when described as a good measure of whether to stay married or not is absurd to me.
All you can do, however, is to continue to behave lovingly yourself. Clearly what this looks like has changed in reflection of his decisions, and firm boundaries are needed. And its loving to detach, GAL, and respect his wishes. Just the way I had to lovingly file D. As long as it's out of beliefs, character, and conscious effort to channel positivity rather than fear, resentment, reaction, or path of least resistance you're on the right track. And you absolutely are. Keep going.
PS- I'm going to my S's elementary school graduation and might end up seated at a table with STBX. In the past when we do joint events we've sat separately, tomorrow it sounds like we'll be in the vicinity. Only now, almost a year later, can I be near her- not even comfortably, but less uncomfortably. So don't sweat that you have some negative reactions. Work on it, but it definitely takes time.
Me:38 XW:38 T:11 years M:8 years Kids: S14, D11, D7 BD/Move out day: 6/17/14, D final Dec 15
But where I come from love is a verb, not a feeling. Feelings follow behavior. So whether or not he has loving feelings, he's acting in unloving ways, and eventually he won't feel lovingly towards you anymore. But if he wants to act lovingly, and you do the same, those feelings might grow.
Sorry, I'm at the point where I find 'love' distasteful when described as a good measure of whether to stay married or not is absurd to me.
Zues I agree love is about behaviour but I also believe that if there is still deep affection/care for a person then I believe that you should try 110% for reconciliation.
I had another conversation with MIL this morning. She said she was reflecting on what I said about knowing/understanding what went wrong with my M. She mentioned if I do move forward and have a new partner it will be a different mix of ingredients in the relationship. MIL said that H has told her I am a good mother to our DDs, encouraging and supporting and that I shouldn't beat myself up because there is not alot to change. I replied to MIL that it takes two for a M to breakdown and I need to understand how my behaviours/actions led to this sitch, so that the same mistake will not happen whether it be with H in 12 months time or not.
MIL understood what I meant about my need for self reflection because after all that is what she did with her first marriage to H's dad. MIL so hopes for a reconciliation but I told MIL that I still loved H and at the moment I can't be friends because I want something more.
Last edited by EMO1234; 06/04/1501:33 PM.
Me: 39 yrs H:45 yrs M:14 years T:18 years D:10 D:6 BD: 13/04/15 S: in progress
I had a positive interaction with H last night said good night to H without feeling the stress knot. However, this afternoon at my DDs athletics carnival I just felt total stress knot in my stomach and felt uncomfortable just being near him. I wasn't impolite when he asked questions but kept my distance, I moved around talking to other parents and kept myself busy recording our DDs races. I could have asked him about his promotion at work but he could also ask how I have been going...
Me: 39 yrs H:45 yrs M:14 years T:18 years D:10 D:6 BD: 13/04/15 S: in progress
But where I come from love is a verb, not a feeling. Feelings follow behavior. So whether or not he has loving feelings, he's acting in unloving ways, and eventually he won't feel lovingly towards you anymore. But if he wants to act lovingly, and you do the same, those feelings might grow.
Sorry, I'm at the point where I find 'love' distasteful when described as a good measure of whether to stay married or not is absurd to me.
Zues I agree love is about behaviour but I also believe that if there is still deep affection/care for a person then I believe that you should try 110% for reconciliation.
Hey Emo. I agree. I just happen to believe all parties should try 110% for reconciliation whether or not they still feel loving. Feelings can return, so my point was if the feelings aren't there that's not a good reason to give up.
Glad you're doing well. Your feelings of distaste take time to change too.
I mentioned I was seated by STBX yesterday for my S's elementary school graduation. You know what? I wasn't sick to my stomach like I used to be. I think it has taken close to the full year to get there, but I'm there. She got me a danish from the free breakfast buffet. I took it surprised, and she actually said "I'm sorry" for getting it for me like she did something wrong. Sometimes when we don't know what to say weird things come out. Or maybe that's a habit from M, when in doubt she would default to apologizing for something. Anyway, I ate it Then she mentioned she'd seen an old friend of mine at the bar the night before. I find it distasteful that she hangs out at bars and is going through serial rebounds (especially prior to D and exposing my children to the flavor of the week), but it didn't bother me. I responded with a parallel trivial update about someone she used to know and then enjoyed the ceremony. So basically, nothing happened, but it's new that nothing really got to me. LONG journey. Keep going EMO.
Me:38 XW:38 T:11 years M:8 years Kids: S14, D11, D7 BD/Move out day: 6/17/14, D final Dec 15
A great day today. I have my DDs for the week albeit that my eldest will be at a school for two nights. But the most exciting news is that I got a job! While its not my dream job, its a stepping stone for something bigger and better and will make settlement quicker and easier for me. Soo happy, feeling blessed that God above is looking after me.
Me: 39 yrs H:45 yrs M:14 years T:18 years D:10 D:6 BD: 13/04/15 S: in progress
I read this article "If You Really Love Someone, You’ll Never Stop Fighting To Make It Work" and within it is a sentence "If you aren’t willing to fight for it (love), then I’m sorry… but that person deserves better" This sentence resonated to me as it fits my sitch to a tee. H has lost that fight and there is a part of me that says, yeah I do deserve someone who will standby to work things out when it gets tough and to see it through no matter what..
Me: 39 yrs H:45 yrs M:14 years T:18 years D:10 D:6 BD: 13/04/15 S: in progress
Then she mentioned she'd seen an old friend of mine at the bar the night before. I find it distasteful that she hangs out at bars and is going through serial rebounds (especially prior to D and exposing my children to the flavor of the week), but it didn't bother me. I responded with a parallel trivial update about someone she used to know and then enjoyed the ceremony. So basically, nothing happened, but it's new that nothing really got to me. LONG journey. Keep going EMO.