What has prompted her to call you a liar and shady? Did you snoop when you were at the house? If you snooped on FB, there is a way for her to see who is checking her page (so I have been advised). Here's the thing, is what she's saying Memorex or the real deal?
If you've not lied or done anything shady, then I suspect she's angry about something and is projecting what she is planning to do or has done in the past. You can't take on her load of issues. You can only own your half of issues.
As for hating you, that's right now...however, when she needs something from you, she'll get her act together and change her tune w/her behavior. She'll either get over it or burst a blood vessel. Let her stand there and stomp her feet like a 2 yr old wanting attention...it's not your problem to fix for her.
How can you regain her trust...quit the snooping and continue as you have been. Keep consistent w/your dbing techniques and do not allow what she says to knock you off your path. Try not to react to the things she's spewing. Sometimes it is done to catch you off guard and have you come back at her. The easiest thing to say is "I'm sorry you feel that way" and then either hang up the phone, end the text message or walk away.
Stay the course. Actions speak louder than words.
P.S. You need to start a new thread! Thought I'd tell you before Cadet comes a calling. LOL!
We had some talks throughout the day just clarifying where we are at. That I want a chance. That she is going to think about it. That there's no one else and it's a dead issue.
When I got to my house at 4 to be with kids I approached her just to make sure we were on the same page. As the conversation progressed I had told her that I didn't want to do anything to push her away through this process.
She lost her temper and told me to stop going through her things (which I have been doing). She basically blew up. Yelling at me. Telling me that I'm a liar. That I'm shady. That as each day goes by the chances of her giving us another chance become less and less. That I'm the one who betrayed her "51 weeks ago".
Guys, I'm drowning here. And fast. The reason I think I've been barking up the wrong tree is because I've been so focused on the wrong thing.
Well, I honestly can't blame her for not trusting you if you've been going through her things. I certainly wouldn't have liked that either. Leave her things alone! You can't earn her trust doing such things. She deserves her privacy as much as you do. Whack! Whack! That's my ruler hitting the blackboard to draw your attention to a behavior you need to change.
I want you to read and re-read what I'm about to post...stop having discussions w/her about the relationship and where it's at right now and if you are on the same page. The more you do this, the more you are pressuring her and she will file just to get you off her back. You are justifying to her why she needs to divorce you each and every time you talk to her about the relationship, as well as snooping. Don't give her any more justifications to think about divorcing you.
Get back to the db basics. You want to come across as a strong, independent and confident man. From what you posted, to her, you are looking like a needy and whiny man who will go to any lengths to spy on her. Learn to respect her privacy and give her the space and time she needs.
Again, cease the conversations about the relationship, where you are at right now in the relationship and on the same page. Stop giving her justifications for what she's doing or for wanting a divorce.
To earn her trust, you'll need to cease the spying and leave her things alone when you at the house. Again, actions speak louder than words. NO MORE CONVERSATIONS ABOUT THE RELATIONSHIP!
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
Not to pile on, but consistency is KING here. You can't DB for 5 days at a time. This process will take months. You can't totally change things every 3-5 days or it totally undermines the progress you've made.
DBing has to become a way of life for you. The changes you make are for you and not to win your wife back. Those changes must become a permanent part of your life.
To help you, put a rubber band on your wrist. When you get the urge to do something such as snooping or having discussions about the relationship, snap that band and let that sting bring you back to reality...that reality is staying the course, i.e., dbing!
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
What has prompted her to call you a liar and shady? Did you snoop when you were at the house? If you snooped on FB, there is a way for her to see who is checking her page (so I have been advised). Here's the thing, is what she's saying Memorex or the real deal?
If you've not lied or done anything shady, then I suspect she's angry about something and is projecting what she is planning to do or has done in the past. You can't take on her load of issues. You can only own your half of issues.
As for hating you, that's right now...however, when she needs something from you, she'll get her act together and change her tune w/her behavior. She'll either get over it or burst a blood vessel. Let her stand there and stomp her feet like a 2 yr old wanting attention...it's not your problem to fix for her.
How can you regain her trust...quit the snooping and continue as you have been. Keep consistent w/your dbing techniques and do not allow what she says to knock you off your path. Try not to react to the things she's spewing. Sometimes it is done to catch you off guard and have you come back at her. The easiest thing to say is "I'm sorry you feel that way" and then either hang up the phone, end the text message or walk away.
Stay the course. Actions speak louder than words.
P.S. You need to start a new thread! Thought I'd tell you before Cadet comes a calling. LOL!
Thanks Job. Yes she caught me snooping. And yes, as I've disclosed on this board from the get go I was unfaithful a year ago in a brief EA. I'll start a new thread.
Its like touching a hot skillet huh? You know its hot .. you know its gonna hurt .. but you do it anyways.
You are to much into her head ... to much about her .. the things you are doing she does not buy ... its a trick to get her back into a miserable marriage and with your nonstop pressure and temp checking 'to see if you are on the same page' its not making you attractive .. you are appearing needy and weak and as a guy ... yeah .. stop that.
I wonder if your approaching her, asking constantly is more about your own insecurities ... and dude .. I get that .. its a real ego deflater to 1 have your W leave you .. and 2 constantly thinking if this 'friend' is OM or a friend ... my guess, maybe he is friend zoned, but they way you keep sabotaging yourself he might start appearing to be someone she can rely on ... and that's how it starts .... so your fear is actually fueling this OM truck that is motoring down the road.
"51 weeks" Back in May13 I sent a TM to my W that was meant for a friend ... was nothing really but W was certain it was an EA, I dropped all contact ... like you ... paid my price .. but W never got over it, like we have learned here sometimes we need anger to fuel us past certain points ... well my W used that anger to fuel into a A with OM, tit for tat ... I brought a knife and she had a nuke, They call them exit affairs ... the WAW figures the A is the only way out and jumps at it. You are at a critical spot if your W has not yet gone EA/PA .... because if and when she does ... get ready for a much longer ride than you have ever wanted.
So take the advice ... and Stop the temp check ... I would not even talk about any R related matters for 90 days. DB your tail off and then see where you are.
