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So what about when piecing is humming along but you're so disappointed in what this person could do to you and the R, and it's like you see these sides of your S that you never saw before.

I feel like H has no character. How can I live with someone who thinks lying and cheating is okay? I see it in little things, shortcuts he wants to take in dealings with others, little dishonest things he wants to do (I veto it). I'm so sad... What happened?


M 16 yrs, WH62, P54
3 adult blended kids
EA 11/13, BD1 6/14
PA fall 14, BD2 2/15
Piecing 2015, BD3 12/15
Separated 4/16
WH moved OW in 5/16
Divorced 6/15/17
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A positive observation on interaction: Several weeks ago, I asked H to give me a hug and say goodnight every evening (he goes to bed very early for work). I guess it could be classified as a goal?

He complied, but to begin with it was awkward, and he didn't do it every night.

Now, he does it every night on his own initiative, and it feels much warmer and sincere. I think this is an example of how the feeling is created from the action. Fake it till you make it. smile


M 16 yrs, WH62, P54
3 adult blended kids
EA 11/13, BD1 6/14
PA fall 14, BD2 2/15
Piecing 2015, BD3 12/15
Separated 4/16
WH moved OW in 5/16
Divorced 6/15/17
Joined: Jul 2015
Posts: 230
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Originally Posted By: Painter
So what about when piecing is humming along but you're so disappointed in what this person could do to you and the R, and it's like you see these sides of your S that you never saw before.

I feel like H has no character. How can I live with someone who thinks lying and cheating is okay? I see it in little things, shortcuts he wants to take in dealings with others, little dishonest things he wants to do (I veto it). I'm so sad... What happened?


I think this is a trap that is easy to get into but works again DBing. I think this is how my H cheated on me... what enabled him to do it w/o feeling too bad- thinking that I always had contempt for him, thinking I was done w/ him & even cheating on him, thinking that I disliked him. So I think it is far more helpful to think of them as damaged ppl who make bad choices when they are not in their healthy mind/healthy thinking. Also, remembering that what they do is on them.... it has no reflection on who you are as a person.

Originally Posted By: Painter
A positive observation on interaction: Several weeks ago, I asked H to give me a hug and say goodnight every evening (he goes to bed very early for work). I guess it could be classified as a goal?

He complied, but to begin with it was awkward, and he didn't do it every night.

Now, he does it every night on his own initiative, and it feels much warmer and sincere. I think this is an example of how the feeling is created from the action. Fake it till you make it. smile


Yes, fake it til you make it is a good thing when things feel awkward. It can push you through the tough times and into good times if you can stick with it. Good work! smile


T: 14 M: 12
D: 9 S: 6
BD: 2/18/15 (H affair)
Working on marriage: 3/12/15-6/11/15
Broken Trust (my error): 6/11/15
H ring off: 7/6/15; Comm w/ OW confirmed 7/13/15
H wants to work on fixing things: 7/21/15
Joined: Aug 2015
Posts: 1,716
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Hi, Painter! Just read through this thread. We have a couple of things in common; an H who says he's staying because D will cost too much (mine uses the word blackmail,) an A (his) to forgive, and an H who seems not 100% committed to making repairs.

I question my sanity all the time. Why am I putting up with this? Our children #1, my personal belief that I'm married whether a court agrees or not, ...I'm pretty sure I love him, but his behavior makes me wonder why.

Reading through your thread helped a lot! I'll be keeping up from now on.

Have a great day!


Me: 48 H: 50 - Married 21 - 3-S: 29,19,19 2-D: 27,26
BD: 08/2015 - D filed & OW disc: 09/2015

"Surrender to What Is, Let Go of What Was, Have Faith in What Will Be." -S Ricotti
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Ancaire, I hope you come out of this on the other side.

H and I had a calm and amicable conversation today where we agreed that we both feel this is not going well. There's no fighting or animosity, but he feels pressured and I feel unloved, so none of us are happy or satisfied. I'm sad, he's tired. He feels MC is just another form of pressure, so he doesn't want to go anymore (we haven't been for a couple of months).

He said he wants to be alone - not sure how that will happen, that's up to him if he wants to leave.

I wouldn't mind if he left.


M 16 yrs, WH62, P54
3 adult blended kids
EA 11/13, BD1 6/14
PA fall 14, BD2 2/15
Piecing 2015, BD3 12/15
Separated 4/16
WH moved OW in 5/16
Divorced 6/15/17
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