I had had enough of being that way so I started s treatment. But tbh I snapped when my W was inappropriately texting another guy. I realised what I always knew and that was I wanted her and my family. The depression stopped me acting but afterwards my desire to save my family and R was stronger than depression.
So in a manner of speaking my w DBed me. So I know it works.
R 25 years M 14 years S11 & S13 Working on it alone since Oct 2014 M in trouble a lot earlier (~2 years) Feb 2016. 1st R chat in a yr. Next R chat Aug'17 Still together
"I had had enough of being that way so I started s treatment."
Sounds too simple. Something must have happened.
"But tbh I snapped when my W was inappropriately texting another guy."
Ah there it is! Funny how people "change" once they see they might lose what they have.
"I realised what I always knew and that was I wanted her and my family. The depression stopped me acting but afterwards my desire to save my family and R was stronger than depression. "
That's more of a matter of you wanting what you couldn't have. Your W was not under your control any more so that spurred you to action.
M-43 W-40 2D - 9 and 5
Emotion, yet peace. Ignorance, yet knowledge. Passion, yet serenity. Chaos, yet harmony. Death, yet a new life.
"I had had enough of being that way so I started s treatment."
Sounds too simple. Something must have happened.
"But tbh I snapped when my W was inappropriately texting another guy."
Ah there it is! Funny how people "change" once they see they might lose what they have.
"I realised what I always knew and that was I wanted her and my family. The depression stopped me acting but afterwards my desire to save my family and R was stronger than depression. "
That's more of a matter of you wanting what you couldn't have. Your W was not under your control any more so that spurred you to action.
Would you mind elaborating on why you asked this Mr. Bond? A lot of us were spurred to action once our W's left. Truly not believing that leaving was an option for our M's.
Are you trying to instill in us that this is always a possibility? Or more interested in us coming to terms with real reason behind our sudden changes?
M 39 W 36 T5 M3 BD - 1/15 Separated - Same Day Served 9/15 D finalized 6/17
"Are you trying to instill in us that this is always a possibility?"
Yes. Think about it this way. If your spouse was the one who was acting like a jack@$$ and you asked them to change and they ignored you or you felt dismissed, how would you feel? You would ultimately come to the realization that your spouse isn't going to change and you will have to endure a LIFETIME of bad behavior. Could you live like that?
Now not all situations are like that. There are those lucky relationships where they actually listen and talk about the concerns. Of course those relationships aren't on this forum.
"Or more interested in us coming to terms with real reason behind our sudden changes?"
It's important to realize this because if your WAS decides to come back, the LBS cannot be complacent and then let things go back to the way things were. The changes made by the LBS have to be long term and not just a spur of the moment thing driven by fear.
M-43 W-40 2D - 9 and 5
Emotion, yet peace. Ignorance, yet knowledge. Passion, yet serenity. Chaos, yet harmony. Death, yet a new life.
I understand this completely (not to hijack your thread Roiste). When my W left I told her I would be sober for the rest of my life. She said she wanted to see how I was months later and I couldn't understand why she didn't "believe me".
It wasn't until 3 months later that I admitted to myself that I really had a problem and could never drink again. Not even a little bit.
Appreciate you responding.
M 39 W 36 T5 M3 BD - 1/15 Separated - Same Day Served 9/15 D finalized 6/17
No problem pigp, it is important to be sure that we understand the message that a wise vet has taken the time to give.
MrB, you are right of course. I started my treatment for depression for that I could enjoy my life and family. But I was jolted out of being under the depression by the realisation of what I was really losing my W, and the consequences that go with that namely effect on family and sons.
After that I did a lot of soul searching and thinking. I'll outline my actions about me as soon as I have more time. But as part of another program I analysed my fear and got past it mostly in that I don't fear being without my wife etc but I absolutely do want to have a good M with her. I am not super with expressing my sentiments (but that is drastically improving..... though not with wife yet) but I don't think fear is my main motivation now.
I would not have said I was spurred by my W no longer being under my control, but maybe you see that clearer than me. But yes my W no longer wanting to be with me was what woke me up.
And yes if my W does come back to me I have realised that it can never be like before. No complacency. I have read and learned a lot about how to treat W in a loving R and I hope one day to be able to do that with W. If not I have learned for a future R. I am working towards a better me forever.
I look forward to your views and guidance going forward esp when I have outlined more details on my actions/changes.
Thanks
R 25 years M 14 years S11 & S13 Working on it alone since Oct 2014 M in trouble a lot earlier (~2 years) Feb 2016. 1st R chat in a yr. Next R chat Aug'17 Still together
Thank you for being honest. It's not until you actually start seeing that you are 50% of the problem that you can truly change. Keeps you humble and honest.
M-43 W-40 2D - 9 and 5
Emotion, yet peace. Ignorance, yet knowledge. Passion, yet serenity. Chaos, yet harmony. Death, yet a new life.
I knew/know I have my part in why we are where we are. But it does no harm to be reminded. Plus it helps take focus off less constructive thinking.
R 25 years M 14 years S11 & S13 Working on it alone since Oct 2014 M in trouble a lot earlier (~2 years) Feb 2016. 1st R chat in a yr. Next R chat Aug'17 Still together
