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Couldn't sleep so I went running. Before I knew it I hit seven miles. The sun came up and I thanked God for helping me get to 10 days sober.

She 'tagged' me in an Instagram post late last night. It's not something she posted but rather a funny picture that she tagged me in so I'd see it- anybody here on Instagram will know what I'm talking about.

It's not talking per se...but it is contact. I think I'm going to mirror her just a little w/o overdoing it- a quick comment or something.


Separated and DB dropped 02/09/15

*I love you people.
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Hey Real, just read through your posts.

Let me start by saying you've done a few things very well for DB:

-Stopping pursuit
-Working on yourself, abstaining from alcohol
-Avoiding driving your car off a cliff

Some good cornerstones to build off of smile

Seriously, I am SO glad you're still with us. I just joke about everything painful. Around here I rarely struggle for material.

The place I'm about to describe isn't reached overnight- it's a process not a decision- but I want to give you a glimpse.

If my WAW said she wanted R, I'd kind of be like..."Really? Why do you feel that way now? What about all of those 'incompatible' issues? Why do you think it would be any different?"

Then, maybe if her answers showed that she had grown, viewed things differently, and she was serious...maybe then we could have a two way conversation about what that might take or look like, and we could decide if that made sense to walk that path and see where it led.

Why? It's not that I wouldn't want a healthy M. But her simply tossing out the fact that she wants the M to work...that's not enough to change your behavior over. Think about what they'd say in AA if you said, WHILE YOU WERE DRUNK, "I'm thinking about quitting"... Great. Sober the heck up, show up for a meeting, tell your story, and make it convincing. But until you're sober we have nothing to talk about!

So please quit hanging on her every action waiting for her to be ready to recommit to M. It only hurts your heart and takes your eyes off your growth.

I'm glad your NC. It will allow you to start to stabilize. Take it easy, it's a long road, so relax and keep posting.


Me:38 XW:38
T:11 years M:8 years
Kids: S14, D11, D7
BD/Move out day: 6/17/14, D final Dec 15
Joined: Dec 2014
Posts: 1,686
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Originally Posted By: Zues126
So please quit hanging on her every action waiting for her to be ready to recommit to M. It only hurts your heart and takes your eyes off your growth.

I'm glad your NC. It will allow you to start to stabilize. Take it easy, it's a long road, so relax and keep posting.
Hi RealMe,

First, I want to commend you on the tremendous amount of support and love you are showing on this forum. I am so proud of you.

Zues made many good points in his last post, especially what I quoted above. It's given me a bit of a different perspective on my situation.

As Zues suggested, take it easy. And keep it going....10 days...11 days...12 days...I KNOW you can make it.

Your friend.

Bob


Me:55 yrs/W:51 yrs (has MS)
M:14 yrs
T:15 yrs
No children together--3 each from previous marriages
Wife Moved Out: 10/19/14
Wife Filed for Divorce: 10/20/14
Divorce Final: 10/21/15
Joined: Mar 2015
Posts: 61
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Originally Posted By: Zues126
Think about what they'd say in AA if you said, WHILE YOU WERE DRUNK, "I'm thinking about quitting"... Great. Sober the heck up, show up for a meeting, tell your story, and make it convincing. But until you're sober we have nothing to talk about!

So please quit hanging on her every action waiting for her to be ready to recommit to M. It only hurts your heart and takes your eyes off your growth.


Thats....really good advice, and I thank you for it.

I'm in that spot....where I don't question what I should do every day. I'm not pursuing, we're not in contact, I'm not snooping or going by the house to see what vehicles are there, and almost every moment I'm not w my kids I'm staying busy w something.

The problem is internal. The dull ache. The suspicion of an A. The despair. The loss. The fear. What my psyche is going through. I know the goal is to get rid of all of those things but I just haven't yet. I need to look at the next 3 feet knowing the putt I'm trying to make is 30 feet.

11 Days Sober (Alcohol and Emotions)


Separated and DB dropped 02/09/15

*I love you people.
Joined: Jun 2014
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Truly this is the hardest point of your life. But if you continue to make correct choices eventually a magical thing will happen and you will feel differently in the future.

What stinks is that you won't feel differently today. In fact, that's why sobriety and DB is so tough. When you are in this much pain, all you want to do is ANYTHING to change the way you feel. And by being sober and responsible, you will feel TERRIBLE for a LONG TIME.

That stinks.

There is a parallel I want you to consider though...the WAS leaves because a M for similar reasons. They believe that the M could never be better, and the OM/OW is there to make them feel good right now. They think that's there only chance at happiness.

And you know what? In the short term they're right. In fact, if we were to base our decisions on what made us feel the best for the next 12-24 months, going for a rebound relationship would make a LOT of sense. I mean, even if you started piecing the first year or two would be hard, hard work. All the difficulties of the M would have to be dealt with, then SOMEDAY the positive feelings would bloom. Meanwhile with OM/OW it is the opposite. They get the chemical rush, the jitters, the romance, the arousal, all RIGHT NOW. And that will last 6-24 months. Then they will have to deal with the harsh reality, that they never learned to deal with their problems, that their life may be reduced to a series of 3-5 year relationships that end with betrayal and heartache because they weren't willing to do the work.

We want to scream at the WAS that "let's just grit it out, it will get better!"

Well, you're in the same spot. You also have a choice between alcohol, OW, and other medication...or the DB road. No, it isn't easy. Frankly it's just as tough as fixing your M would be. But it's necessary, or like the WAS that is doomed unless they change their outlook at some point and do the work, so you too would be doomed if you don't do the work on yourself.

My mantra has always been to act with the character you wish she had. So if you wish she had the character to deal with the hard reality, you must lead by example or you can't ask her to do the same. For the M to work BOTH parties will have to. But you can't make you doing your work conditional upon her doing hers. No. Lead by example. Maybe someday she'll be inspired and follow suit. Unfortunately there are no guarantees. But I can guarantee that if you don't, she won't, and not only is your M dead, but you have grim prospects as well.

And while DBing won't make you feel good immediately...you can take some solace and comfort in knowing that you took one step towards escaping the pain you've been in for too long.

Wishing you strength, and good job on another day. Praying for you.


Me:38 XW:38
T:11 years M:8 years
Kids: S14, D11, D7
BD/Move out day: 6/17/14, D final Dec 15
Joined: Feb 2015
Posts: 1,902
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RealMe,

Its been nearly a week since you posted, please let us know whats going on. Are you ok?


Accept what is, let go of what was, and have faith in what will be
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Still think about you from time to time, hope everything worked out.


Accept what is, let go of what was, and have faith in what will be
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