New to this. Need support. Separated.

[PureHrt]

Other items I didn't mention in history post and should have, both times I packed H's stuff and told him to take it, both times I took his keys to the house and last time I saw a lawyer. I don't like conflict for conflict and I may wait longer but I try not to react in a temper.

[PureHrt]

Thanks for the detailed history. I think you're on the right track.

The thing with the OW is that since she isn't the cause, your H will just move on to someone else.

If anything, what would you say is something that you haven't tried? Do you think taking a harder stance on your boundaries would help?

You are right Mr. Bond re: harder stance on boundaries. My hesitation is because I know it means more detachment. I get the benefit but I struggle because I already miss him and this means even less interaction :\. Any tips for staying strong? Lol!

Do I state that I am aware that he has remained friends with OW and acknowledge his choice and then change my behaviours?

Thanks.

[PureHrt]

So H and I got a note from the school that child is struggling. Not concentrating and had an upset crying that Dad is still not home. Child has had focus and motivation issues in previous years but this year had been shaping up to be a turning point until H's departure. Child went through this 2 years ago had some IC. This time school C was asked to be brought in but child is hesitant to open up.

I was waiting to respond until I could chat with H. H pulled me aside that night at child's extracurricular to advise he had spoke to child and said understands but can't use it as an excuse not to do work.

Do not misunderstand, I agree with this point but child has refused to open up to H and is sincerely struggling with emotions and hurt and abandonment. I don't think this is the best way to handle. That said he is also child's parent. I expressed my perspective that child is not using it as an excuse. That as per several communications from me child is hurting, doesn't understand and is very angry at Dad. H feels it is hard but that child will just get over it even though he hasn't processed all of his abandonment and hurt from when his Dad left 39 years ago! I asked about getting together to discuss, maybe have another meeting with the school for strategies, child did NOT want to go to IC when I've asked several times to book an appnt. but I suggested family counselling for the purpose of helping child.

H did say he feels judged like it's all his fault. I expressed concern that several child only communications from me asking for input perspective etc were never responded to and they were not judgmental. I expressed that where child is concerned I wanted open communication both ways so that if I am handling something in a way that isn't working or H wants to discuss we can. I also indicated I wanted to ensure child's relationship with H as it is in child's best interest and would assist wherever possible. I did however say that the choice to move out was H's not mine and child knows that. It's not to judge it's to say that the ramifications of his decisions are his. H's emotional withdrawal over the years due to addiction was also not my decision. Child comments on computer and phone use by H while in his company to this day. I have suggested child ask H and communicate directly the concern. Child is scared of upsetting H and just asks me to tell him. H doesn't tell me if he does anything with the info child says he doesn't.

That said, child will not bring up anything negative with H as deep down I believe concerned H will chose not to see child (based on how H's father has been in both his life and in our child's life). I have reassured child and also told H of the concerns so that he could reassure. Child wants everything with Dad to go smooth. NO homework, no issues. Child however also points out it doesn't feel like H is a Dad anymore because it's more like an uncle

I want to help my child but I don't want to do same things I always have (DB!!!) as they haven't worked. Child and H still don't really open up to each other AND what I'm seeing on other posts is that H has to choose what to do with child and not rely on me. (I will however look at counselling for child and me even if H won't participate) This includes not coordinating H for child's events ie. reminders and contacting H's family to advise.

The good here is that I feel like I heard from my H very clearly that he feels judged (I have expressed previously I am not judging as I have my own mistakes to contend with and am not perfect) but that there is cause and effect and if he doesn't like the effects he's experiencing he must look at the cause..) and I want to know how, when someone just doesn't want any effect to their actions or to be held responsible and sees any of this as judgement I can act / respond in a non-judgmental manner without letter him of the hook for his behaviours?

Any input and advice is greatly appreciated.

One other note not related to interactions re: child. I am aware that H has not unfriended OW. (subsequent to our discussions - keep in mind OW is not actually a pa that I am aware of but is seeking to have pa with H and has started rumours and made sure they come to me. OW has an open history of adultery and causing issues in other relationships) I clearly expressed to H that staying friends with someone who is clearly trying to hurt me is not what I would have expected but is his choice. I indicated that if his choice was to remain friends with her it would however, impact how we related.(see previous post) When I simply said "I don't want to jump to conclusions but it appears that you have made your decision and I just wanted to confirm" H said he hadn't even thought about it as it had been a busy 4 days. (gave me an idea of how much my hurt impacted and more importantly that because I have not stuck to boundaries in past I believe he thought it was emotional and would pass) I acknowledged but indicated I didn't want to assume anything when decided on how I want to make my decisions.

IF he remains friends I am likely to go Dark with the exception of dealing with child and sale of house. I am also considering legal separation to further separate me from both H and OW but wonder if the latter won't provoke the situation.

Thoughts?

[PureHrt]

Hello???

[Cadet]

I guess my question is why are you trying to FIX this problem with your husband.

Work on trying to fix your child,
he is the one that needs help.

Unfortunately you are now a single parent.
What would you do if husband was in a coma?
Do the same thing, JMHO.

[Georgiabelle]

Pure,

I'm sorry you find yourself here and I'll be honest-I haven't read your threat. However, from this question, I agree with Cadet. I understand that you don't want your child to hurt (trust me-many of us completely relate to that feeling). However, your h's r with your child is his and vice versa. There is nothing for you to do IMHO.

In regards to OW, talking about that will not yield results that you are hoping for. Why not go dim regardless? You should limit chats to necessities at this juncture anyway.

Hang in there!

[Georgiabelle]

Pure,

I did go back and read this thread. I did want to point one thing out to you. Please don't feel like you need to compete with the OW. You can't nor should you try. And please don't put yourself down because yiu are over 40 (many of us here are). There will ALWAYS be someone younger, fitter, more successful, smarter, wealthier, etc in life.

I have battled self image issues pretty much from the time I was 6 yrs old (I was waaaaaaay ahead of my time). My h originally was with someone 25. I can honestly say without question I had better hair and teeth, but it has nothing to do with anyone. The OW he met on snapchat and got serious with 2 weeks after moving out is a college student. I'm sure she has better abs than I do, but I'm pretty sure I get just as much or more male attention than she does. And I'm not bragging nor could I ever be confused with the Sports Illustrated swimsuit cover model. However, I don't want to compete or be in college. There is no competition. I loved my h very much. Was I a great wife? I think I did the best I could at the time and I could have shown much more affection to my h.

Sorry to hijack but I frequently hear women say "I can't compete with a 25 yr old!" Why in h-e double hockey sticks would you want to? I've already been a college student. Loved it. Done with that. Focus on your good qualities and things you can do to make yourself better...for you !